Better News!

Finally, I heard back from my philosophy instructor about my grade! It should be updated by the end of the week. I was having panic attacks about it, y'all! PANIC ATTACKS!

I just need to keep looking for the new one. YES! I can breathe just a little bit easier now.

Fluff Post

Alright, so I feel like I ought to do an actual, decent update, but I'm not quite sure what to write about. Of course, as a result, I've opted to go ahead and just have mental vomit all over this explorer window. Sadly, I still have no idea what to write about, so it's going to be completely random.

Lately, I've been thinking about all the weird turns that my life has taken over the years. I've been thinking about all of the unexpected turns that my life has taken that I never saw coming. For example, I never thought I'd be married. Needless to say, it's kind of mind-blowing to think that I've been married for several years. I never thought that I'd be in college, so it's really strange for me to be embarking on my third year in higher education. I thought that my life would be so different. I thought I'd be alone and working and doing my own thing.

What else? My husband and I are watching Hal Sparks doing stand-up comedy. I must say, he's hilarious! He has wonderful, logical points about iced tea, medium cups, and being a non-smoker. I've always liked Hal Sparks, but I'm pretty sure that I love him even more now!

I'm trying to read more, but I've been terribly distracted lately. I'm trying to do some work, but I'm obviously too distracted for that too. I managed to write a poem that I was satisfied with for once, but that's about the only think of artistic value that I have created this far into the summer. Normally, I'd say that I'd like to do something more artistic, something that has some kind of redeeming quality or makes me seem or feel creative. But what would I do? I can't paint or draw. I'm not really a great writer. I'm not really a poet. I'm not good with my hands or much else. So what the hell kind of art or creativity is there for someone that can't actually do anything?! Someone give me some ideas! Jesus!

This is honestly been one of the least productive summers of my life. I haven't read. I've hardly worked. I don't really even have much to show for it. I don't have a regular sleep schedule, so I'm not really even getting all that much rest. The whole point of me taking this summer off was to get some rest and get myself re-set. I'm not even doing that, which makes me wonder why I even bothered. At least I could have gotten some school out of the way. Jeez!

Last Night

Things have been busy lately, but I thought I'd sneak in a quick update before I get started with working here. I'm in the middle of eating left-over veggies from last night (peas and carrots--like the peas, hate the carrots), so  I have a little bit of time to stall.

While I did actually sleep last night, I kept having strange dreams. I had a dream that I was pregnant, but that I didn't find out until I was like five months along--which, clearly, is past the point of no return on some decisions. I think it's lack of options that panics me about it. I've always said that I'd never choose an abortion for myself despite the feeling that all women ought to be able to choose it if they want, but not being able to choose it if I needed to makes me uneasy. I also dreamed about fighting with AW. Then, I dreamed about fighting with my husband. My subconscious was in the middle of a mad struggle last night!

If I'm not stressing about money, jobs, grades, and whatever else, I have to start stressing about what my brain is trying to tell me deep down?! What's this crap, body? What?! On the upside, I got some decent sleep for once, so that's nice.

Quick Update

Ok, so  I haven't been sleeping that well at night, so I'm not totally sure that this will be completely coherent. However, I felt the need to update! Of  course, my lack of sleep means that I'll be prone to outbursts of giggles at my own ridiculous writing, so watch out, y'all! It might get confusing up in this blog!

One thing that I do love though? Sleep deprivation makes me laugh at EVERYTHING. I'm pretty sure that half of the things I've lost my shit about these last few days haven't even been all that funny, but I still laughed loudly and for an extended time frame. I'm pretty sure that my family is ready to tranquilize me and lock me up in a room for about 48 hours until I normalize myself. (This is, after all, all my father's fault. He wants me to be awake at a decent hour. Okay, sure. So I stay up super late, and then I get up early. And then I just got on a schedule of doing that because I'm a college student, and that's what we do. See the trouble?)

I'm also pretty sure that I really need more Rock Band 2 in my life. We've been playing for the last couple of days, and I have been loving it. It's karaoke without the embarrassment of singing in front of people--because, let's face it, just because you can get 100% on hard on "Don't Stop Believing" doesn't mean you can actually sing like Journey, okay? Even I get that, and I'm not even coherent.

So, the big question, what will I be doing with myself today? Maybe a little chat. Maybe a little work. Mostly, I will be on a quest to find an old movie that I just mentioned to The Sassy Curmudgeon in a tweet. Why? Because it was so absurd that now I have to prove to myself that it actually existed. If I find that sweet live action troll movie, it's so on. I'll blog about it.

Past Shock!

So, I'm looking back at my old LiveJournal--yes, again! Don't you judge me!--and I'm really surprised at its contents! I was really, ridiculously honest about some things, some intensely personal things.

Like what, you ask? This, for example:

But do I love him? Or am I just getting hung up on the familiarity that I find when I'm around him?

... I could spend pages describing him. It's easy for me because I was so focused on him.

When he walks, he slouches and automatically scowls. When he smiles, it always looks forced unless he's laughing. He's at his most adorable when he bites his lip and he doesn't even notice that he's done it. He used to wear T2 cologne and every time some one at a mall walked by smelling like it, I'd want to burst into tears. His nails are messy and bitten and it drove me crazy because I always like things to be neat. He has more video games than any one else I know. He's wildly smart, best at math and anything analytical, not as good at emotion. He's a Virgo, born on what I think is August 27th, if memory serves...

 But then there are things that are completely missing or incredibly vague and strange! For example, I had a friend who I wrote about here, AW, who was mostly absent from my LJ. This is suspicious to me because we talked so often, and at the time of the early days of my LJ, we had drama. (He was talking to one of my friends, and it made me feel significantly less paid-attention-to, which was incredibly important to my attention-whoring self at the time.) I started my journal at the end of August, 2003. He's mentioned September and October, no more by November. Here's one of my strange passages Apparently, we were fighting about me being rude because I said I was bored during one of our conversations:

Then, the Canadian and I got in a fight last night. That was unpleasant and I refuse to apologise. I have explained why I won't and I'm not going to lie about being bored! I have to be honest when I'm bored. So, if it's offensive, I'm sure you'll get over it or you'll die because you're overly sensitive. Either way, I will not be bored!

And this one:

So, I think I have finally become desensitized to the point that I can say what I want to say. And that's fine. That's gonna be something I do later. When I get a hold of a certain Canadian I need to speak to.

There were a few other mentions, but they were all vague and strange like that one. I was so vague about some things and so ridiculously honest about others. Every crush I had was poured out  for the world to see! Almost none of my entries were friends only posts at first. Over time, they became that way, but for the longest time, they were open to just about anyone that I gave the URL to. How interesting!

 My journal was also full of teenage hilarity:

Jennifer and I had a rather nice conversation last night though. My noodles are ablaze! And, when I was telling a friend of mine about that in homeroom, she said, "Grandma noodle soup?? What!" So, I think that has to be our next phrase! ^_^

 It's just so strange to look back on my past! There was even a passage about my disappointment that JJ, my at-the-time boyfriend turned husband, didn't kiss me when our relationship was fledgling. We had some really cute conversations about our new relationship. Super cute, yucky love stuff. Who would have thought that we'd get married?!

Mostly, I just marvel at some of the things that I wrote. Some of those passages were so insightful, things that I wouldn't have thought of even now. Then, Some of them were just teenage fluff. It's also weird to think that, in one form or another, I've been blogging for almost seven years. That's longer than I've known my husband, y'all! Crazy shit? I think so.

Also, I forgot about this song. And it's awesome.

I Wanna Be Uncool

I had a decent day today. I did a whole lot of nothing--not going to lie here because it felt great. I got lucky last night too. I thought I might need to go out to the yard today to rake off some of the grass clippings from the mowing. However, we had a huge storm last night with like 70 mph winds, so they were all gone in the morning. Awesome!

I spent the day over-updating my Twitter feed, talking to friends (you know who you are), and watching 90's music videos. I watched a movie with JJ--the Boondock Saints II, which wasn't all that great, but it wasn't terrible either--and now I'm sifting through a ton of crap on the Internet because I'm bored. On the upside, I have created a freakin' sweet 90's play list (available on request, if anyone actually reads this), and I had an awesome conversation today.

We were supposed to meet up with James and Amie today, but JJ was feeling really ill, so we just hung in. It's probably better this way because I'm feeling ultra lazy.

So, anyways, after scouring YouTube, I have decided that this song is in need of sharing. Don't get all judge-y once you find out who it is either. Give it a chance.

I don't really know why I'm blogging. I don't really have anything blog-worthy to say right now. I just thought it was a note-worthy thing that I had a good day. I've been smiling. This is good!!

Sunburn and Knife Fights

Today, I went ahead with my yard work plan. I now remember why it is that I haven't volunteered to do yard work in over six years. It was brutally hot outside. I'm fairly certain my face is pretty sunburned. I can honestly say that I completely understand why prison systems force prisoners to do outdoor labor. It truly is punishment. And, for practicality's sake, let me add that it does make sense to have them being productive with farm labor and whatnot.

But that's really neither here nor there.

While I was mowing, I borrowed my husband's Zune so I could listen to some tunes. He recently added all of my CDs to his Zune so that we won't have to only listen to his metal music in the car. I happened upon a song that I used to be like totally in love with back in the day: "Granite Street Knife Fight."

Of course, because I'm keeping with my nostalgic theme as of late, it set me on a YouTube spree when I got inside (post-shower, of course). I had to look up all the old bands the I used to love: Element 101, the Aquabats, Ace Troubleshooter, Something Corporate, and so many others. Needless to say, it has perpetuated my nostalgia trip. I can't believe that there was a time that I wasn't listening to this music! I still feel like a teenager when I listen to it, laying on my bed staring at the white ceiling while I'm surrounded by the pink walls of my bedroom.

It's so strange to think back on my teenage years. I had so many emotions all the time--not that that's really changed much. I wanted to be a brilliant writer, though the truth is that I can't write my way out of a paper bag. I wanted to find a lover and be a singer and live on my own and make a statement about my own independence. I wanted to be something. What the crap happened?!

I feel like I need to go read some depressing books and spend a lot of time sleeping and alone. Is it possible to regress to your teenage years?

Diminished Return

You may have been wondering to yourself, "Self, why hasn't Jessica updated in like a week or so?"

Alright, I'm reasonable enough to acknowledge that that's just my ego talking...but it's a really nice idea. The answer is that JJ and I had to go out of town for a funeral last week. This week, to be frank, it's just been my utter laziness. JJ's family had a close friend who passed away, which his grandmother has been taking quite hard. We felt it would be appropriate for us to be in town, for JJ to pay his respects. He ended up serving as a pall bearer at her funeral, so it was a good thing that we came.

This week, it's been lacking motivation. After spending last week having fun with my old friends in the Bend, this week just seems like a drain and a waste. I've spent it poorly. I've been thinking of old friends and old places, doing old things like reading fanfics. Perhaps it was out of a sense of nostalgia that I resurrected the old LiveJournal--LJ for short.

Things just haven't been really going my way lately. The husband and I have fought. I've hardly accomplished a damned thing. I haven't heard back about my paper, which I did finally turn in. I haven't had a satisfactory response from several of the e-mails I've sent. I just feel like my life isn't on the ball. I feel like all I want to do is stay in bed and read or surf the web, which of course is the exact kind of unproductive crap that has me feeling this way in the first place. See where the trouble is? It's a vicious cycle!

In an effort to get myself out of the funk, I volunteered for yard work. Yard work of all things!! I hate being outside. I hate the sun. I hate bugs. I hate that I'll sweat. I pretty much hate the entire experience of yard work. This is going to be an exercise in futility. But who's going to tough it out like a big girl and do it anyways because she said she would? This girl. Wish me luck.

Sleep Cycles and Lost Patience

Lately, my sleep cycle has been totally reversed. I stay up until 8 AM. I sleep all day, then I really can't do anything but stay up again the next night. It's kind of a pain in the ass. In an effort to reverse this tedium, I'll be staying up all night tonight and all day.

Needless to say, this has been a tedious and boring endeavor. I have very little to occupy my attention because, let's face it, I'm a boring procrastinator. I've been surfing the web. I've updated my Twitter feed and Facebook status more than necessary. I've watched a totally stupid movie. Last, and most upsetting, I stumbled upon a friend's drunken webcast.

I should say that the reason I find this to be upsetting is two-fold. First, this friend is a little vulgar and, frankly, it's rather unbecoming. It makes me wonder if I'm so completely intolerable when I'm intoxicated (I fucking hope not!). Secondly, the idea of getting drunk in another person's honor or name or even for their entertainment just smacks of idiocy to me. I mean, what kind of people watch another person get blasted for their entertainment? Could they possibly care about you that much, lost friend? Also, any fool can get drunk to amuse someone else. Doing that is a waste of time, brain cells, and resources. We spend too much time trying to entertain others and not enough time being ourselves. (Some of you would argue that drinking oneself stupid is being true to oneself. To you I say, shut it. If that's how you're true to yourself, I shudder to think where you'll be in ten years when other people don't find drunkenness as funny anymore.) I guess I'm disappointed in this person, who you may have noticed is staying genderless and anonymous--there's a reason for that. I had higher hopes for you, dude.

I'm so bored that I'm going to get some food and actually work on my paper--shocking, I know.

Lazy Days of Summer

Alright, so color me lazy. Despite my being unemployed and unencumbered by burgeoning academic achievement (mostly), I have been neglectful of my blogging responsibilities! Alright, I'm a terrible netizen. If there were a scarlet letter for this, I would wear it in shame.

My husband and I have been up to doing what most couples (we assume) do: playing games, watching movies and DVDs, and having sex. We caught up completely on True Blood. For JJ, it was an introduction to the material so that we can watch season three together when HBO begins to air them on the 13th of June. For me, it was all a recap, but it was a pleasant re-visit to Bon Temps indeed. Today, we played Mortal Combat VS DC Universe, in which, I am pleased to report, I happened to be able to school my husband. (As I told him, he should be proud. Most gamers don't have girlfriends who can kick their asses, let alone wives) Even as we speak, my husband is perusing the web for finishing moves and cheats so that, next time, he can come out the victor. And the sex, well, that sort of speaks for itself, right?

I am, sadly, still shirking my duties when it comes to writing my philosophy paper. In my defense, I know what I want to say. I have some sources about what I want to say. I just need to sit down and put it together, logic it out. I'm looking forward to putting that together this weekend, actually. My desk is mostly cleared for me to do it. I'll make a pot of coffee and sit at the lovely laptop. If only I hadn't quit smoking, my image as a neurotic writer could be cemented for you.

On the positive side of things, I bought some scar gel to try to diminish the horrible scar on my hand from the accident. Happily, I can report that the color does seem to be changing. The downside, however, is that it itches like mad about a half an hour after I put the stuff on. Also, I'm supposed to apply it 3-4 times a day for up to six months. Yikes! I think it's the itching and the frequency that are causing me to subconsciously forget to put the stuff on like I'm supposed to. Needless to say, it's something to add to the list of things that I need to work on--as if that needed to get any longer.

In other news, after all the ridiculous reconnection crap with AW, he's not sure we should be friends now. It's funny how people can sort of flake out on you sometimes. Honestly, I'm still thinking about the whole thing, but it might be best if we just don't speak. I'm still pretty bitter and angry. And, frankly, I don't think it's too much to ask to have friends who are willing to stick by me during the tough stuff, even if that means that I make them mad or they make me mad. It's not unfair of me to not want to befriend someone who dropped me quicker than Oprah drops her diets. Plus, I keep wondering what would really come of it anyways. It's certainly an impasse. Part of me thinks people warrant second chances, and another part of me is kind of over it.

On the brighter side, things with JJ are going swimmingly. I feel like we've been more connected lately. Our relationship is stronger than ever, which pleases me. It seemed like we'd hit a bit of a rough patch there during our last semester. We spent a lot of time fighting and irritated with each other because of the stress. Now that we've had time to relax, it's gotten much better. I can see now why people take vacations. We just needed some time to be a couple--and the sex hasn't hurt much either. I feel like we're much more in sync. It's been really wonderful just being together. I don't know if we've gotten to be a better couple or we're just more secure in our marriage or what, but I'm grateful for whatever it is.

For now, I'm headed to bed. I have a bar-b-que for a friend who's leaving town tomorrow. I spent tonight baking cookies to bring with me. I'm pleased to report that the house smells delightful, the cookies look great, and the kitchen is quite clean. I even had time between batches to start watching Drag Me To Hell, lose my patience with it, and choose another movie. At least one of my evenings lately has been productive!