Health and Wellness

I'm pleased to announce that my general health is much improved. I'm still suffering some coughing and a slight bouts of troubled breathing, but it doesn't feel like anyone's sitting on my chest anymore. This is what I would call a victory.

On the subject of life in general, I'm definitely ready to return to the dorms. I love my family for the most part, but they are starting to wear very thin on my nerves. Very thin, indeed. Apart from some minor family annoyances or skirmishes, my life has been very boring. The major joy of my last few days has been loading my CDs into iTunes. With this done, I am satisfied. That's really been the only excitement of my week.

I'd love to talk about the majority of the things that are on my mind lately, but I'm not really sure that they're entirely appropriate to blog about. Frankly, I'm totally amused by a situation that has gone down between me and someone that I thought was my friend who I have blogged about here before, AW. To say that I have not been injured would be a total lie, but to say that I'm hurt to the extent that he and others probably think I am is a total falsehood as well. More ore less, I'm actually kind of laughing about it. My reasons for that would require explanation and back-story, but I'm sure they're not what you're thinking.

I know it's awkward to mention a situation and not explain it, but it's a lot more personal than it seems. And, quite honestly, I don't know if AW reads this blog, and I don't want to write something that seems like it was intended to be scathing or hurtful. I don't want to be scathing or hurtful, but I know that's how my thoughts will come across, so it's probably best to not put them out there. More than that, this a blog for me. Not a blog for my responses to people who have irked me, hurt me, pissed me off, whatever. (Don't get me wrong, I know it becomes that from time to time, but it's not the actual intent.) Plus, I'm just not that upset about it. For a plethora of reasons. It's not as big a letdown as I think he thought it would be.

This is the part of the blog where you think to yourself, "Wow. Jessica might be growing up a little..." Hopefully, you are right.

I'd love to say that I have it in me to drop some great truth or say something deep and meaningful right now, but I don't. Not really. That said, I think I'm going to take my sense of moral superiority off to bed. Extra rest should help me kick the cough a little faster. I leave you with this little joy because it's oddly fitting.

Autumn's Chilled Arms

Much has happened since last I updated my poor, neglected blog. Leaves are turning, falling. Wind is picking up. The air has a chill now that comes with late October. I have forgone sleep for many hours. It's comfortable and familiar to my Midwestern heart. Autumn has always been my favorite season, but the cold of the air leaves a cold within me that I can't seem to kick until snows begin to fall. Oh, Autumn, you sassy wench! I love/hate you!

To begin with, AW's visit came and went. It was blissfully free of drama or event. I've never had so many people surrounding me at once. It was nice. I felt popular, well-liked. He was exceedingly quiet, which was not quite something that I expected. Yet, he gelled well with my friends. Charles, one of the basketball players that lives in my building, actually grew quite attached in the short time that they made each other's acquaintance. Endearing, no?

I've also managed a trip back to Indiana since last I wrote. JJ's cousin Matt was got married, and I was able to go to the wedding. It was a small, intimate ceremony. It was really lovely. We got to spend a little time with his family. Then, we went back to his father's house, where he's staying, and had some quality time to ourselves. There was no fighting or arguing. We simply enjoyed each other's company. It was comforting to sleep next to him again. I miss that physical intimacy. I was only able to be in town for a day, but it was still nice to be able to go.

I also went to a Halloween party and made a drunken spectacle of myself. I'm not proud, but I chalk it up to one of those normal college things. It's not like I'm getting smashed off my rocker each night and sleeping with strangers. I just got drunk once and said some idiotic things, sang too loudly, danced like a fool, and woke up hangover-free the next morning. All's well that ends well, I say.

There's not really too much else to say. I managed to get an A in my biochemistry class, which I wasn't sure was going to happen. Now we just have to see how I do in nutritional chemistry and pathophysiology.

One thing that I have found less than attractive about myself lately is how emotional I've been. I've been sullen, giddy, childish, indecisive, sad, jealous, and a host of other silly little things. I get offended so easily when it comes to certain individuals. Worst is what I am about to admit next...

I developed a ridiculous high school crush on one of the guys that hangs out with my group. I almost feel too humiliated to even admit it. As a friend so callously pointed out to me yesterday, he'll never see me the way that I see him. More than that, I'm a tangled mess of problems and people wanting wanting wanting from me. I don't have room for another. And those things are even before I mention the fact that I'm married and he's in a relationship (lest you be worried, I am not the type of woman who cheats or invites others into cheating, thank you). Sort of makes my stupid little crush seem like a moot and foolish point, doesn't it? I have a plan, though. First, delete phone number from phone, which I have already done once and plan to do a second time. Second, stop hanging out with this individual--not that he's not a great guy, but I really don't need the drama of extra stupid feelings. Third, never speak of this again. Please feel free to commence step three expediently.

I feel like I'm no longer sure what I want from my life. Nursing was a bust. I hated it. English or social work are good options, but I don't want to do all the bogus classes that I'm seeing my roommate taking right now for social work. I've always wanted to be a writer, but I really don't know if I can hack it. I don't think I'm that good. What to do? I'm still in the midst of wondering if this is me or autumn's cruel influence or both. I think sleep is much needed at this point.

The Ever-Impressive Inability to Rest

As I noted in my post a few days ago, I had a birthday the other day. It was uneventful, as has been my entire week. Yet, despite all this nothing doing, I'm still missing out on sleep and relaxation time. I'd really love to be able to say that it's super easy for me to drift off in this twin XL bed, but it's actually really terrible.

Here's the thing about college: I love the freedom and the independence. There was definitely something there that I needed. The downside is that it all comes at the price of having anything familiar. In essence, it's like being instantly single. There's no one to look after you or to take care of you. You don't get the luxury of cuddling up to someone in the night. There are hook-ups all around you, but you're not having them yourself. Though the independence is cathartic, everything else is sort of cold and lonely.

Don't get me wrong here, this doesn't stem from some teenage yearning to be liked or desired. I'm actually very well-liked here. In fact, this is the first time in my life that either people aren't talking about me or, for a record-breaking first time, I really, truly just don't give a shit. I just can't seem to enjoy it. If I'm not feeling the pressure of existence or freaking out about some stupid deadline, I'm not really feeling much of anything. Yet, somehow, I'm more or less comfortable here. Odd, no?

In other news, AW--the ever-famous Canadian--is coming to visit me on Monday. He'll be staying for a week. I have no idea what will happen or if we'll even enjoy each other's company. I have a feeling that I'm much more of an acquired taste than the lovely ladies that share my time lately have assumed. The closer that we get to this arrival, the less I think of this dynamic. Rather, I'm certain that things may go south in one way or another. In some ways, that makes it a good thing that I live in the dorms. I mean, sharing a building with a bunch of people who know and love me can't be all bad, especially if things are sinking faster. We shall see.

In the mean time, I'm going to attempt to shake off the bondage of insomnia and sleep for a while. You may have noticed that I am up very late, despite a need to awaken early. Why is this? I can't seem to get comfortable enough to rest. Every time I start to settle enough to sleep, the phone rings or I get a text message. It was hard enough to settle in the first time, harder still to manage it thrice. Needless to say, the fourth time wasn't working for me all that well, which is what spurred my update. Oh, Brain, when will you decide you're tortured me enough?

Day Eight: Favorite Internet Friend

AW,

You are without a doubt my favorite Internet friend--not that I really have all that many. I'm am still stunned that we have been e-friends for around seven years. This means that you've known me longer than a great percentage of some of my current friends.

While we have had our share of drama over the years (this might be the understatement of the year on my part), I count you among the group of people that know me quite well. Certainly, no friendship is perfect, but I like to think that we have each other pretty well figured out. I'm pretty sure that hanging out with you could be pretty cool.

I blame you completely for my current obsession with Marianas Trench. Of course, it does strike me as something really interesting that you're so familiar with my music tastes that you knew that I'd love them. And. oh, how right you were! Clearly, you do listen when I speak! This can only be good. In fact, all the music, movies, and other things that you have suggested to me thus far have been good. You have a clear grasp of the things that I like and don't like because, as I said before, you actually listen to me. It's kind of amazing.

Thanks for influencing my tastes and being a friend! Thanks for listening to me bitch and bitch and bitch about my crappy, stupid life. Thanks for always having positive things to say when I really need to hear them, and attempting to correct my negativity when it becomes all I allow to spew forth from my lips.You're a good guy, and I value you tremendously.

Also, I'd still like to know how many voodoo priestesses you have in your employ. Just sayin'.

Love,

Jessticka (or Jessca--and yes, I left that I out for a reason.)

Internet Recognition

I need to share my triumph with the Internet. Many of you are aware of my new love for the band Marianas Trench. AW got me interested in them when we were talking about music one day, and I have been very into them ever since. I absolutely love their music. I'm really saddened by the fact that their CDs haven't been released in the U.S. yet, but there's a release date set, so I can pre-order them when I get some cash. (My little brother blames this recent love of Marianas Trench on my being a "Canadaphile." I'm pretty sure he made that word up.)

Anyways, I've been a Twitter twat for a little while now. I've noticed that the most frustrating thing about Twitter is that, while you can tweet your little fingers off at celebrities, band members, and persons of note all you'd like, they very seldom reply to your tweets. This doesn't deter me, but it's kind of emblematic of how the world works. There's even a very funny YouTube video about this phenomenon.

Well, the lead singer of Marianas Trench, Josh Ramsay, is on Twitter. In fact, the band members often make a point of keeping up with fans on Twitter, which is really great. It's important to connect with your fan base. And tonight, Josh Ramsay connected with me.

Suck it, Internet!

What does this mean? This means that Josh Ramsay is aware that I have a presence on this Earth. That may seem really stupid, but it pleases me to no end. Also, this is the first time that a celebrity has actually replied to one of my tweets. I'm pretty stoked about that false sense of importance. It doesn't hurt that he Internet-laughed at my comment, either. The Internet is pretty fuckin' cool, when you think about it.

Now if I could just get them to tour in Toledo, Ohio, we'd be all set! Fingers crossed, people!

On Nights Like This...

My sleep schedule has been obliterated. I've pretty much abandoned any idea of sleeping like a normal person. I've also basically abandoned the idea of sleeping for more than just a few hours at a time. I recall when my days and nights were like this before. It's been at times in my life when I have been historically depressed.

For example, my teenage years were fraught with sleeplessness. I spent so many nights in front of my computer, blogging and chatting, listening to music and trying to fight my troubles away by attempting to write stories and poetry. I read. I half-assed my homework. I brooded over boys and my feelings, complicated as they were at the time. I did things at night because my mind just wouldn't shut off.

Later, in our apartment years, I did the same thing when I was taking time off of work. I joined a chat community. I watched anime. I wrote letters to inmates that I used to write to (Yeah, I'm weird. I know. But I always found those letters to be very rewarding). I baked. I cleaned. I went for walks. I did a million things because I got tired of trying to bullshit my way into sleep that wasn't coming.

My whole life's pattern has been that, in times of stress or depression, I don't sleep. Not nearly enough. I stay up. I fight the night. I fight my dreams and my worries. I fight my thoughts. I push myself to do something creative. I push myself to do something useful because of the burgeoning uselessness that threatens to envelop me. I have always been a sleep-fighter. Even as an ill little infant, my parents have told me that I never wanted to sleep for more than 20-40 minutes at a time. I spent most of my infancy crying and wakeful. Why should I be any different in my twenties?

So here we are again, dear old friend Insomnia.

I sit up at night. I chat with JJ or AW. I watch girl movies. I work. I search the Internet for random facts. I scour YouTube for music videos and amusing little skits. I keep fighting sleep. I keep fighting my dreams, my thoughts.

This will probably be the most reassuring constant in my life. This has been one of the only patterns that has ever held true in my life. It's strange, but it's the only thing that makes me feel normal. It's this time in the late night or early morning that really makes me feel like a part of myself. It's just me. There's never anyone else. Maybe it seems strange, but it makes me feel a little more in-tune with myself, with these feelings. It helps me understand them. Maybe, in that way, this insomnia, this vigil is a good thing. I like to think so.

I'm Half-Asleep and I Am Wide Awake

Alright, in the interest of being taken seriously and being a mature and responsible blogger, I probably ought to stop tossing out updates at 3 AM. However, since I am neither mature nor responsible, 3 AM updates are what you're getting. You'll live. I'm sure of it.

Today was hectic, but pretty cool. I actually accomplished surprisingly little. Dad and I went out to Owens to meet up with Ed and exchange work. (In case I haven't mentioned it, Ed has a little e-bay business. We do some minor data entry and photographic work for him for very little pay. Sadly, it's all we have right now.) Ed was amiable. I also got to see some of the people that I used to work with. I never thought I'd miss Owens so much! I really miss my old job. I wish I could still be working there.

It was nice to see my old friends and colleagues. When we left, my dad sarcastically said, "Jesus, Jessica. I know you had a good academic career here, but I just wish you'd actually made some friends!" I felt pretty good about the fact that I was missed. It's nice to be able to say that you were liked somewhere.

Later, we headed to Lourdes. Apparently, however, we're required to submit W-2's with our tax forms now. Was this listed on the web page or e-mailed about? No. From what the lovely ladies in the financial aid office said, the policy was only just put in place on July 1st. Of course, this means that I have to make another trip out to Lourdes with the other papers now. They wouldn't take any of my forms at all without the W-2's. Quite the waste of a trip. I'm very disappointed.

In other news, I blame AW for my recent interest in an awesome Canadian band called Marianas Trench. I can't get over their music! It's so good! And their lead singer is adorable! U.S. tour soon, boys? Please?

Past Shock!

So, I'm looking back at my old LiveJournal--yes, again! Don't you judge me!--and I'm really surprised at its contents! I was really, ridiculously honest about some things, some intensely personal things.

Like what, you ask? This, for example:

But do I love him? Or am I just getting hung up on the familiarity that I find when I'm around him?

... I could spend pages describing him. It's easy for me because I was so focused on him.

When he walks, he slouches and automatically scowls. When he smiles, it always looks forced unless he's laughing. He's at his most adorable when he bites his lip and he doesn't even notice that he's done it. He used to wear T2 cologne and every time some one at a mall walked by smelling like it, I'd want to burst into tears. His nails are messy and bitten and it drove me crazy because I always like things to be neat. He has more video games than any one else I know. He's wildly smart, best at math and anything analytical, not as good at emotion. He's a Virgo, born on what I think is August 27th, if memory serves...

 But then there are things that are completely missing or incredibly vague and strange! For example, I had a friend who I wrote about here, AW, who was mostly absent from my LJ. This is suspicious to me because we talked so often, and at the time of the early days of my LJ, we had drama. (He was talking to one of my friends, and it made me feel significantly less paid-attention-to, which was incredibly important to my attention-whoring self at the time.) I started my journal at the end of August, 2003. He's mentioned September and October, no more by November. Here's one of my strange passages Apparently, we were fighting about me being rude because I said I was bored during one of our conversations:

Then, the Canadian and I got in a fight last night. That was unpleasant and I refuse to apologise. I have explained why I won't and I'm not going to lie about being bored! I have to be honest when I'm bored. So, if it's offensive, I'm sure you'll get over it or you'll die because you're overly sensitive. Either way, I will not be bored!

And this one:

So, I think I have finally become desensitized to the point that I can say what I want to say. And that's fine. That's gonna be something I do later. When I get a hold of a certain Canadian I need to speak to.

There were a few other mentions, but they were all vague and strange like that one. I was so vague about some things and so ridiculously honest about others. Every crush I had was poured out  for the world to see! Almost none of my entries were friends only posts at first. Over time, they became that way, but for the longest time, they were open to just about anyone that I gave the URL to. How interesting!

 My journal was also full of teenage hilarity:

Jennifer and I had a rather nice conversation last night though. My noodles are ablaze! And, when I was telling a friend of mine about that in homeroom, she said, "Grandma noodle soup?? What!" So, I think that has to be our next phrase! ^_^

 It's just so strange to look back on my past! There was even a passage about my disappointment that JJ, my at-the-time boyfriend turned husband, didn't kiss me when our relationship was fledgling. We had some really cute conversations about our new relationship. Super cute, yucky love stuff. Who would have thought that we'd get married?!

Mostly, I just marvel at some of the things that I wrote. Some of those passages were so insightful, things that I wouldn't have thought of even now. Then, Some of them were just teenage fluff. It's also weird to think that, in one form or another, I've been blogging for almost seven years. That's longer than I've known my husband, y'all! Crazy shit? I think so.

Also, I forgot about this song. And it's awesome.

Lazy Days of Summer

Alright, so color me lazy. Despite my being unemployed and unencumbered by burgeoning academic achievement (mostly), I have been neglectful of my blogging responsibilities! Alright, I'm a terrible netizen. If there were a scarlet letter for this, I would wear it in shame.

My husband and I have been up to doing what most couples (we assume) do: playing games, watching movies and DVDs, and having sex. We caught up completely on True Blood. For JJ, it was an introduction to the material so that we can watch season three together when HBO begins to air them on the 13th of June. For me, it was all a recap, but it was a pleasant re-visit to Bon Temps indeed. Today, we played Mortal Combat VS DC Universe, in which, I am pleased to report, I happened to be able to school my husband. (As I told him, he should be proud. Most gamers don't have girlfriends who can kick their asses, let alone wives) Even as we speak, my husband is perusing the web for finishing moves and cheats so that, next time, he can come out the victor. And the sex, well, that sort of speaks for itself, right?

I am, sadly, still shirking my duties when it comes to writing my philosophy paper. In my defense, I know what I want to say. I have some sources about what I want to say. I just need to sit down and put it together, logic it out. I'm looking forward to putting that together this weekend, actually. My desk is mostly cleared for me to do it. I'll make a pot of coffee and sit at the lovely laptop. If only I hadn't quit smoking, my image as a neurotic writer could be cemented for you.

On the positive side of things, I bought some scar gel to try to diminish the horrible scar on my hand from the accident. Happily, I can report that the color does seem to be changing. The downside, however, is that it itches like mad about a half an hour after I put the stuff on. Also, I'm supposed to apply it 3-4 times a day for up to six months. Yikes! I think it's the itching and the frequency that are causing me to subconsciously forget to put the stuff on like I'm supposed to. Needless to say, it's something to add to the list of things that I need to work on--as if that needed to get any longer.

In other news, after all the ridiculous reconnection crap with AW, he's not sure we should be friends now. It's funny how people can sort of flake out on you sometimes. Honestly, I'm still thinking about the whole thing, but it might be best if we just don't speak. I'm still pretty bitter and angry. And, frankly, I don't think it's too much to ask to have friends who are willing to stick by me during the tough stuff, even if that means that I make them mad or they make me mad. It's not unfair of me to not want to befriend someone who dropped me quicker than Oprah drops her diets. Plus, I keep wondering what would really come of it anyways. It's certainly an impasse. Part of me thinks people warrant second chances, and another part of me is kind of over it.

On the brighter side, things with JJ are going swimmingly. I feel like we've been more connected lately. Our relationship is stronger than ever, which pleases me. It seemed like we'd hit a bit of a rough patch there during our last semester. We spent a lot of time fighting and irritated with each other because of the stress. Now that we've had time to relax, it's gotten much better. I can see now why people take vacations. We just needed some time to be a couple--and the sex hasn't hurt much either. I feel like we're much more in sync. It's been really wonderful just being together. I don't know if we've gotten to be a better couple or we're just more secure in our marriage or what, but I'm grateful for whatever it is.

For now, I'm headed to bed. I have a bar-b-que for a friend who's leaving town tomorrow. I spent tonight baking cookies to bring with me. I'm pleased to report that the house smells delightful, the cookies look great, and the kitchen is quite clean. I even had time between batches to start watching Drag Me To Hell, lose my patience with it, and choose another movie. At least one of my evenings lately has been productive!

Reconnections?

Tonight I heard from a friend who had a rather serious falling out with me in the past. In fact, I believe, if memory serves, I was told that I would not be spoken to ever again.

I seem to have an initials theme (even though that's actually what my husband goes by), so let's stick with it. AW was a pretty cool friend. We had been e-friends for a really long time actually. We have a really weird, resurfacing friendship. We lose touch, we reconnect. None of this is unusual for us. The fucked up part is that this reconnection comes after the aforementioned banishing.

Back-story here is that I was an idiot and did some drunk dialing. For those of you that think drunk dialing is cool, I have to imagine that this is because you remember everything that you've said or done. Not all of us are like that. At any rate, I could understand the anger that I was pretty much sure I deserved after said drunk dial. However, I didn't think it warranted a whole cutting off of the relationship. I suppose these things do happen. It was just really hurtful. The whole thing was very emotional.

Needless to say, it was because of this that I was startled and shocked when the IM window popped open on my screen. My stomach did flips and I thought, "Oh shit! What do I say here?!" Even now, I find myself wondering at the motivations behind these actions. I can't say that I won't be guarded. I can't say that I won't be untrusting--at least, at first. I'm still just really surprised. One thing I'm sure about, though, is that I'm willing to at least talk again. We'll see where that leads, maybe back to friendship.

We had a good talk. We talked about AW's plans. We talked about my scholastic achievements and future education plans. We talked about his life. Things have really changed for him. His mother, who was incredibly important to him, passed away last year. I can see how that might change one's perspective on life. I can't imagine what he must have gone through or how much that must have hurt for him. I definitely wish that it could have been different for him.

I'm just not sure what to think or do here. I mean, I'm feeling very Adele about the whole thing. I got an impression of a certain level of expectation/desire from the tone of certain aspects of the conversation. I'm not sure that those are expectations/desires that I'm able to fulfill. Yet, I'm feeling selfishly drawn back to this friendship. I'm also kind of incredulous about the whole thing. What changed? Why does AW want to talk to me now? Why wasn't I good enough back then? I don't want another ugly falling out, another personal embarrassment that makes my stomach turn when I hear songs on the radio or think about touching the phone after a drink or two. If this is going to be a friendship, I need those to be totally over, totally in the past.

To AW's credit, he apologized for the nasty split. And, in keeping with my egotism, I'm giving myself props for being honest about how hurtful it was. I mean, it's not often that I'm honest about my feelings, especially when those feelings revolve around being slighted or hurt. That's kind of a big deal for me. Right now, I'm just finding it difficult to form words about it. I feel like this is maybe a beginning. I feel strange, but not in a bad way.

Really weird part? I was just thinking about AW the other day. A song came on the radio that made me think of him because it was a song that we used to talk about. Interesting.

At any rate, I'm going to go ahead and take this as a sign from the universe to be open to new things. It seems that just when I think my life can fit into a little box, that's when the whole box splits and falls apart. Thanks, Universe. I'll remember that! I'm trying to be open to this. This is me, trying to be open!