Reconnections?

Tonight I heard from a friend who had a rather serious falling out with me in the past. In fact, I believe, if memory serves, I was told that I would not be spoken to ever again.

I seem to have an initials theme (even though that's actually what my husband goes by), so let's stick with it. AW was a pretty cool friend. We had been e-friends for a really long time actually. We have a really weird, resurfacing friendship. We lose touch, we reconnect. None of this is unusual for us. The fucked up part is that this reconnection comes after the aforementioned banishing.

Back-story here is that I was an idiot and did some drunk dialing. For those of you that think drunk dialing is cool, I have to imagine that this is because you remember everything that you've said or done. Not all of us are like that. At any rate, I could understand the anger that I was pretty much sure I deserved after said drunk dial. However, I didn't think it warranted a whole cutting off of the relationship. I suppose these things do happen. It was just really hurtful. The whole thing was very emotional.

Needless to say, it was because of this that I was startled and shocked when the IM window popped open on my screen. My stomach did flips and I thought, "Oh shit! What do I say here?!" Even now, I find myself wondering at the motivations behind these actions. I can't say that I won't be guarded. I can't say that I won't be untrusting--at least, at first. I'm still just really surprised. One thing I'm sure about, though, is that I'm willing to at least talk again. We'll see where that leads, maybe back to friendship.

We had a good talk. We talked about AW's plans. We talked about my scholastic achievements and future education plans. We talked about his life. Things have really changed for him. His mother, who was incredibly important to him, passed away last year. I can see how that might change one's perspective on life. I can't imagine what he must have gone through or how much that must have hurt for him. I definitely wish that it could have been different for him.

I'm just not sure what to think or do here. I mean, I'm feeling very Adele about the whole thing. I got an impression of a certain level of expectation/desire from the tone of certain aspects of the conversation. I'm not sure that those are expectations/desires that I'm able to fulfill. Yet, I'm feeling selfishly drawn back to this friendship. I'm also kind of incredulous about the whole thing. What changed? Why does AW want to talk to me now? Why wasn't I good enough back then? I don't want another ugly falling out, another personal embarrassment that makes my stomach turn when I hear songs on the radio or think about touching the phone after a drink or two. If this is going to be a friendship, I need those to be totally over, totally in the past.

To AW's credit, he apologized for the nasty split. And, in keeping with my egotism, I'm giving myself props for being honest about how hurtful it was. I mean, it's not often that I'm honest about my feelings, especially when those feelings revolve around being slighted or hurt. That's kind of a big deal for me. Right now, I'm just finding it difficult to form words about it. I feel like this is maybe a beginning. I feel strange, but not in a bad way.

Really weird part? I was just thinking about AW the other day. A song came on the radio that made me think of him because it was a song that we used to talk about. Interesting.

At any rate, I'm going to go ahead and take this as a sign from the universe to be open to new things. It seems that just when I think my life can fit into a little box, that's when the whole box splits and falls apart. Thanks, Universe. I'll remember that! I'm trying to be open to this. This is me, trying to be open!