Another of my high school classmates has made the move towards prison. That's right, we have another felon in our midst, Penn graduates! Read about it here.
I had classes with that guy from grade school on up. It's weird to think that someone I was familiar with for all those years is capable of something so ugly and horrible--even if I did think he was an asshole, even back then. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, but I can't help it.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Scholarship Hell
All day long I have been in scholarship hell. The deadline was today. I started yesterday. Can you see why I might be brain-fried? It was a 14 page application. On the web. With three essays and two essay questions. I had to scan in tax information. I had to scan in transcripts--high school AND college. I still feel like I'm not going to get this. In fact, I feel like I'm not even close.
I feel like these applications are designed to make people fall through the cracks, freak out, or give up. This, of course, is the opposite of help. Really, right now I just feel like a total failure. I'm not really sure why. I just feel like I can't really do anything right. When I submitted it, I felt a little better just because the weight was off of my shoulders, but I more or less just have a sinking feeling right now. The best way that I can describe it is to say that it's a terrible mixture of futility and despair. The whole ordeal makes me never want to try for a scholarship ever again. Mostly, though, I am really glad it's over. At least I can say that I tried.
I am, however, disappointed. A "faculty representative" was supposed to help me with this process. I was supposed to meet with them. Things were supposed to be much more official. Instead, I found all of my information out from a web page. I had no help at all in the process. I feel like I was shoved through the cracks so that the light of day couldn't even reach me.
All that this inspires me to do is write a letter to the Foundation in order to make sure that this doesn't happen to someone else. I mean, when a person gets a scholarship as large and prestigious as the one I have applied for, it makes that person's institution look good. So really, it doesn't just help me; it also helps my school. So why, oh why, would someone not do their best to try to make that scholarship into reality for a student here? It makes them look phenomenal and it helps me out--who loses?! All of Academia should be so great!
Alas, this is not the case. Good thing I can write a mean (and by that I mean outstanding) letter because I'm going to use that to my advantage. In fact, I have already started my draft. More to come as the situation unfolds.
I feel like these applications are designed to make people fall through the cracks, freak out, or give up. This, of course, is the opposite of help. Really, right now I just feel like a total failure. I'm not really sure why. I just feel like I can't really do anything right. When I submitted it, I felt a little better just because the weight was off of my shoulders, but I more or less just have a sinking feeling right now. The best way that I can describe it is to say that it's a terrible mixture of futility and despair. The whole ordeal makes me never want to try for a scholarship ever again. Mostly, though, I am really glad it's over. At least I can say that I tried.
I am, however, disappointed. A "faculty representative" was supposed to help me with this process. I was supposed to meet with them. Things were supposed to be much more official. Instead, I found all of my information out from a web page. I had no help at all in the process. I feel like I was shoved through the cracks so that the light of day couldn't even reach me.
All that this inspires me to do is write a letter to the Foundation in order to make sure that this doesn't happen to someone else. I mean, when a person gets a scholarship as large and prestigious as the one I have applied for, it makes that person's institution look good. So really, it doesn't just help me; it also helps my school. So why, oh why, would someone not do their best to try to make that scholarship into reality for a student here? It makes them look phenomenal and it helps me out--who loses?! All of Academia should be so great!
Alas, this is not the case. Good thing I can write a mean (and by that I mean outstanding) letter because I'm going to use that to my advantage. In fact, I have already started my draft. More to come as the situation unfolds.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Some Assorted Musings
What a title. Lame! Of course these are musings! It's a blog--the place online where people go to muse. Forgive me my inadequacies as far as titles go. The writing is bound to improve--it would have to, right?
Today was not so lame as I had expected. Classes went well. In ART 105 we watched a Bill Moyers documentary where an old man named Joseph Campbell talked about cave paintings and digressed into his opinions on the Catholic church and the denigration of society based on lack of rituals (just trust me when I say it was strange, awkward, and a perfect illustration of how the elderly can become judgmental and opinionated). In PSY 101, we talked about ADHD and the nervous system. We also did a few kind of fun activities. I feel like all the things we've talked about in PSY 101 so far are concept reviews that I've already delved into in other classes like Lifespan Psychology, Anatomy and Physiology--I and II--and even Statistics. However, I like my instructor, so I'm chalking it up to being okay.
The GSA meeting went well also. It was productive. There were plenty of people there. We had a fun time just sitting and chatting afterward. It was good! Plus, I had to revel in the irony that the advisor of an organization whose sole purpose is to promote tolerance among others told Nick and I to "try to hate." (As a general disclaimer and lest you think we do not serve our organizational purpose, I would like to tell you that this was in relation to a very specific and personal topic related to a specific person with whom Nick and I are both acquainted. Despite our best efforts, we are starting to like this person and neither of us seem to know how we feel about that. I want to hate him, but I seem to be unable to which is strange for me, as I am so very good at hating and holding grudges. I'm starting to feel that my open-mindedness is becoming a personal failure--haha, just kidding! I jest, I jest!)
Tonight, though, as I perused Facebook I came to realize something: there are people that I never thought I would fall away from that I don't even think about anymore. I know, this is not a shocking revelation to most people, but I was stopping to consider what that might mean for us. I mean, these are people that I considered some of my best friends, family even. As I chose to hide some of them from my news feed, I paused and thought, "Wow. I remember when I called these people on the regular just because. Now, I don't even want to see what they might possibly have to say in a two sentence status update? How sad is that!"
I suppose, more than anything, I find it slightly depressing. I know that people lose touch, move, make the conscious choice to stop talking, etc. It doesn't make it easier to face the reality that those people aren't important to you anymore or, more importantly if you're egotistical like me, that you're not important to those people anymore. It's the natural order, but sometimes it just hits you that the nature of society as we see it today is somewhat transitory--we expect people to come in and out of our lives. Can you imagine a time when you lived in a village and those people were the people that you had in your life for your whole life? Can you imagine what it would be like to have that kind of historical connection, human connection? I think we take for granted that that must have been a reality.
It's interesting to think that this world gets so impersonal. In an age when communication should be so much easier--what with the Internet, wireless phones, skype, etc--we seem to be growing further apart. Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton kept their friendship alive for years based solely on their written correspondences--which, by the way, I'm sure moved much more slowly than they do today. Julia Child kept a pen pal while she lived in France who ended up helping her to publish her initial work, Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Why is it that now, when communication is much much easier and faster than the methods of yesteryear, are we having problems communicating?
Maybe this is just me. Maybe these people really weren't my friends at all, and all of this is just the disappointment of a twenty-something woman who is becoming disillusioned with the loss of her childhood companions in favor of a new set of friends. Maybe it's really a mitzvah because I have better, more intelligent friends who are much more on my level than some of those old high school friends. It's a little early for me to tell. Mostly, I just find myself stunned that people can grow so far apart in an age where one needs only pick up a cell phone, engage in a chat, shoot of a quick text, or type out a fast e-mail to keep in touch. It should be so easy, but it's not. Why is that?
Does this bother anyone else?
Today was not so lame as I had expected. Classes went well. In ART 105 we watched a Bill Moyers documentary where an old man named Joseph Campbell talked about cave paintings and digressed into his opinions on the Catholic church and the denigration of society based on lack of rituals (just trust me when I say it was strange, awkward, and a perfect illustration of how the elderly can become judgmental and opinionated). In PSY 101, we talked about ADHD and the nervous system. We also did a few kind of fun activities. I feel like all the things we've talked about in PSY 101 so far are concept reviews that I've already delved into in other classes like Lifespan Psychology, Anatomy and Physiology--I and II--and even Statistics. However, I like my instructor, so I'm chalking it up to being okay.
The GSA meeting went well also. It was productive. There were plenty of people there. We had a fun time just sitting and chatting afterward. It was good! Plus, I had to revel in the irony that the advisor of an organization whose sole purpose is to promote tolerance among others told Nick and I to "try to hate." (As a general disclaimer and lest you think we do not serve our organizational purpose, I would like to tell you that this was in relation to a very specific and personal topic related to a specific person with whom Nick and I are both acquainted. Despite our best efforts, we are starting to like this person and neither of us seem to know how we feel about that. I want to hate him, but I seem to be unable to which is strange for me, as I am so very good at hating and holding grudges. I'm starting to feel that my open-mindedness is becoming a personal failure--haha, just kidding! I jest, I jest!)
Tonight, though, as I perused Facebook I came to realize something: there are people that I never thought I would fall away from that I don't even think about anymore. I know, this is not a shocking revelation to most people, but I was stopping to consider what that might mean for us. I mean, these are people that I considered some of my best friends, family even. As I chose to hide some of them from my news feed, I paused and thought, "Wow. I remember when I called these people on the regular just because. Now, I don't even want to see what they might possibly have to say in a two sentence status update? How sad is that!"
I suppose, more than anything, I find it slightly depressing. I know that people lose touch, move, make the conscious choice to stop talking, etc. It doesn't make it easier to face the reality that those people aren't important to you anymore or, more importantly if you're egotistical like me, that you're not important to those people anymore. It's the natural order, but sometimes it just hits you that the nature of society as we see it today is somewhat transitory--we expect people to come in and out of our lives. Can you imagine a time when you lived in a village and those people were the people that you had in your life for your whole life? Can you imagine what it would be like to have that kind of historical connection, human connection? I think we take for granted that that must have been a reality.
It's interesting to think that this world gets so impersonal. In an age when communication should be so much easier--what with the Internet, wireless phones, skype, etc--we seem to be growing further apart. Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton kept their friendship alive for years based solely on their written correspondences--which, by the way, I'm sure moved much more slowly than they do today. Julia Child kept a pen pal while she lived in France who ended up helping her to publish her initial work, Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Why is it that now, when communication is much much easier and faster than the methods of yesteryear, are we having problems communicating?
Maybe this is just me. Maybe these people really weren't my friends at all, and all of this is just the disappointment of a twenty-something woman who is becoming disillusioned with the loss of her childhood companions in favor of a new set of friends. Maybe it's really a mitzvah because I have better, more intelligent friends who are much more on my level than some of those old high school friends. It's a little early for me to tell. Mostly, I just find myself stunned that people can grow so far apart in an age where one needs only pick up a cell phone, engage in a chat, shoot of a quick text, or type out a fast e-mail to keep in touch. It should be so easy, but it's not. Why is that?
Does this bother anyone else?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
An Addition
I'm not entirely sure how, but my day got to looking up after going to Philosophy class. Believe me, this was something that I did not expect. I guess I can find merit in a person who at least admits their arrogance. It's a step in the right direction.
In another unexpected twist, I mentioned to said instructor that Facebook suggested we kindle a friendship due to the presence of mutual friends. This instructor thought it was a splendid idea and asked me to add him! I am not only surprised that he was interested in being e-friends, but also surprised at the haste with which he approved my friend request. I was also surprised that he complimented one of my ideas as being great and worth sharing with my fellow students. (I suppose this shouldn't surprise me. People laud me as being brilliant all the time. Perhaps what should surprise me is that I haven't started to believe them yet.)
Apart from that, I'm just putting off homework--namely, reading chapters in SOC 220--and sitting at work. I suppose I shouldn't put it off any longer.
In another unexpected twist, I mentioned to said instructor that Facebook suggested we kindle a friendship due to the presence of mutual friends. This instructor thought it was a splendid idea and asked me to add him! I am not only surprised that he was interested in being e-friends, but also surprised at the haste with which he approved my friend request. I was also surprised that he complimented one of my ideas as being great and worth sharing with my fellow students. (I suppose this shouldn't surprise me. People laud me as being brilliant all the time. Perhaps what should surprise me is that I haven't started to believe them yet.)
Apart from that, I'm just putting off homework--namely, reading chapters in SOC 220--and sitting at work. I suppose I shouldn't put it off any longer.
First-Week-Back Impressions
I have survived my first week of classes successfully--this first week, of course, having officially ended today. I feel that I will enjoy many of my classes. So, for the sake of my own personal satisfaction, I'll break them down below.
PHL 101 or Introduction to Philosophy: I feel that this class will benefit me because it will make me think. I will begrudgingly admit that the instructor is attractive, charismatic, and humorous, all qualities which somewhat irk me about him--not because I dislike him, but because I dislike his arrogance. (A large part of me feels that arrogant people should be boring and unlikable, which would make their arrogance more unfortunate. Sadly, this is not the case with my instructor.) I'm not sure how I feel about this class yet. What I can say is that many of the younger and less intellectually developed students are incredibly taken with the instructor, which makes me feel a little bit like the awkward, hateful hag in the corner for not finding him nearly as amusing as they do. Plus, I don't like the effect that all this has on me. I tend to sit back in this class with a wry smile and count myself as better than my fellow students, which is not an attractive behavior, even to me. In my defense, one should never trust a man who says things like, "We're just too tolerant here in America today!" (Yes, that's right, he actually said that.)
ART 105 or History of Western Art: I already love this class! The subject matter is interesting, I have learned a great deal about art already, and I am able to parlay some of my basic artistic knowledge into a cogent class discussion on the merits of a piece. I'm looking forward to applying what I learn here to other things. The only thing I regret about taking this class is taking it at 8 AM on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. The room is dark for better slide viewing, the instructor's voice is soft and soothing, and no amount of coffee in the morning has the ability to make me wakeful. It's a good thing I'm interested, otherwise I'd be out like a light!
PSY 101 or General Psychology: I've only had this class once thus far, but I'm looking forward to it. My instructor seems like an intelligent, no nonsense, involved woman. She's willing to work with her students, but she expects us to do our fair share. I can respect that. We did a pretty cool activity about how our time is spent throughout the course of the week. Turns out, as suspected, I don't get nearly enough sleep (I know you're shocked! "College student lacks sleep," what breaking news!) I think this class will be fun. This instructor reminds me of one of my favorite high school instructors, Mrs. Gray.
HUM 275 or World Religions: I'm pretty interested in this class. The instructor isn't heavy-handed with his information. He's pretty laid back and nonjudgmental. He presents things in a very interesting way and seems to be very knowledgeable about the topic. Our first unit will be on Hinduism, which should prove to be interesting. We're going to be covering Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Confucianism, Taoism, Buddhism, and Hinduism. I feel like this will be a way to become more worldly.
SOC 220 or Multicultural Diversity: This is a class that I'm really excited about. At first, I was a little bit nervous. I was on a budget committee with the instructor and, based on that, I wasn't sure how I'd feel about her in the classroom. After the first day, I wasn't sure why I had any doubts. I think her class is going to be an eye-opening experience regarding the way other people think. I'm kind of excited about it. Plus, the best quote from my entire week came from her class when she said, in reference to the difference between gender and sex, "Because I might have a penis, you don't know!"
As for returning to work this week, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. I still feel as thought I have somehow become low man on the totem pole--in fact I'm pretty sure that was the wording I used in the last post, even! I'm just moody. I feel like there's an implication that I'm stupid in every over-explanation of things that I've been doing for the past four semesters. There are questions that I've been answering longer than my bosses have been my bosses, and they are attempting to explain to me rudimentary functions of my job. Small changes to processes do not require a re-explanation of the whole process!
I'm not sure whether to chalk my recent pissiness up to being broke, PMS, lack of sleep, the start of the recent semester, or a general dissatisfaction with my current circumstance. Either way, it's not serving any one well, and yet I don't have any idea how to change it. To be fair, I haven't exactly been putting as much energy towards fixing the problem as I have towards perpetuating it, though. It's just easier to be angry. And, quite honestly, I kind of need some time to just be angry. I feel as though there's never any time for me to just be in a bad mood and have that time to get over it. It's terribly irritating.
At any rate, I'll get over it. I just feel like being angry for a while. This, of course, could go poorly in Philosophy class today. If I fly off the handle at the poor man, I don't think I'll be terribly surprised about it.
PHL 101 or Introduction to Philosophy: I feel that this class will benefit me because it will make me think. I will begrudgingly admit that the instructor is attractive, charismatic, and humorous, all qualities which somewhat irk me about him--not because I dislike him, but because I dislike his arrogance. (A large part of me feels that arrogant people should be boring and unlikable, which would make their arrogance more unfortunate. Sadly, this is not the case with my instructor.) I'm not sure how I feel about this class yet. What I can say is that many of the younger and less intellectually developed students are incredibly taken with the instructor, which makes me feel a little bit like the awkward, hateful hag in the corner for not finding him nearly as amusing as they do. Plus, I don't like the effect that all this has on me. I tend to sit back in this class with a wry smile and count myself as better than my fellow students, which is not an attractive behavior, even to me. In my defense, one should never trust a man who says things like, "We're just too tolerant here in America today!" (Yes, that's right, he actually said that.)
ART 105 or History of Western Art: I already love this class! The subject matter is interesting, I have learned a great deal about art already, and I am able to parlay some of my basic artistic knowledge into a cogent class discussion on the merits of a piece. I'm looking forward to applying what I learn here to other things. The only thing I regret about taking this class is taking it at 8 AM on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. The room is dark for better slide viewing, the instructor's voice is soft and soothing, and no amount of coffee in the morning has the ability to make me wakeful. It's a good thing I'm interested, otherwise I'd be out like a light!
PSY 101 or General Psychology: I've only had this class once thus far, but I'm looking forward to it. My instructor seems like an intelligent, no nonsense, involved woman. She's willing to work with her students, but she expects us to do our fair share. I can respect that. We did a pretty cool activity about how our time is spent throughout the course of the week. Turns out, as suspected, I don't get nearly enough sleep (I know you're shocked! "College student lacks sleep," what breaking news!) I think this class will be fun. This instructor reminds me of one of my favorite high school instructors, Mrs. Gray.
HUM 275 or World Religions: I'm pretty interested in this class. The instructor isn't heavy-handed with his information. He's pretty laid back and nonjudgmental. He presents things in a very interesting way and seems to be very knowledgeable about the topic. Our first unit will be on Hinduism, which should prove to be interesting. We're going to be covering Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Confucianism, Taoism, Buddhism, and Hinduism. I feel like this will be a way to become more worldly.
SOC 220 or Multicultural Diversity: This is a class that I'm really excited about. At first, I was a little bit nervous. I was on a budget committee with the instructor and, based on that, I wasn't sure how I'd feel about her in the classroom. After the first day, I wasn't sure why I had any doubts. I think her class is going to be an eye-opening experience regarding the way other people think. I'm kind of excited about it. Plus, the best quote from my entire week came from her class when she said, in reference to the difference between gender and sex, "Because I might have a penis, you don't know!"
As for returning to work this week, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. I still feel as thought I have somehow become low man on the totem pole--in fact I'm pretty sure that was the wording I used in the last post, even! I'm just moody. I feel like there's an implication that I'm stupid in every over-explanation of things that I've been doing for the past four semesters. There are questions that I've been answering longer than my bosses have been my bosses, and they are attempting to explain to me rudimentary functions of my job. Small changes to processes do not require a re-explanation of the whole process!
I'm not sure whether to chalk my recent pissiness up to being broke, PMS, lack of sleep, the start of the recent semester, or a general dissatisfaction with my current circumstance. Either way, it's not serving any one well, and yet I don't have any idea how to change it. To be fair, I haven't exactly been putting as much energy towards fixing the problem as I have towards perpetuating it, though. It's just easier to be angry. And, quite honestly, I kind of need some time to just be angry. I feel as though there's never any time for me to just be in a bad mood and have that time to get over it. It's terribly irritating.
At any rate, I'll get over it. I just feel like being angry for a while. This, of course, could go poorly in Philosophy class today. If I fly off the handle at the poor man, I don't think I'll be terribly surprised about it.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
And A Happy New Year!
After a much needed hiatus from school and responsibility, I find myself much refreshed! I made it through finals week unscathed (though my final exam grade in chemistry could have been better...) and I am happy to report that I had another 4.0 semester. JJ and I spent some time in Indiana with his family. We have managed to actually see my twin brother for once as well! (Normally, he's in town and we're out of it. This time, he has stayed for an extended period, and we've been able to actually see him and spend time with him. It's been nice.) We definitely needed some time away from responsibility and school. It was nice to have a break.
We even had minimal drama over the holiday season. Though, it does make me laugh to know that one of JJ's aunts has declared her hatred for me. She didn't speak to me and spoke only ONE sentence to poor JJ at Christmas. Now, personally, I can understand how some people might not like me. I hold people to high standards and I expect them to live up to them. I have absolutely no problem telling people what I think, even if those thoughts might not be well received. I have no problem being "the bad guy." I can see how those things might not go over well with some people. However, those would all be things that a person would have to figure out about me after at least spending a little bit of time getting to know me.
JJ's aunt has never gotten to know me. She has never sat down with me and had an actual conversation. I doubt she would even know my last name if not for the fact that it is the same as my husband's. She knows absolutely nothing about me. She doesn't know when my birthday is, what kind of pie I like, my opinions on government, my favorite books. She doesn't know what brought JJ and I together, how long we've been together, why we decided to get married or how long we plan to live with my parents. The list of things that she doesn't know about myself and my husband could fill volumes. This is one of the reasons that I find it HILARIOUS that she doesn't like me. She doesn't even know me.
Moreover, JJ has been happier with me than he has ever been in his life. That alone should make her like me a little bit, even if she doesn't love me personally. She should at least have respect for the fact that I make her nephew happy, that he's been more motivated to do something with his life since he's been with me and around me. She isn't even happy for him that he's graduating college this semester--something that no one else in their family has ever done before. To me, it's a big deal. Above all else, he's still her blood. She can hate me all she wants to--even though we all know it's just because she's intimidated that I'm smarter and better than her and her children--but she does still owe my husband some respect. At the VERY least. Plus, if she's going to hold grudges against me for a simple request I made of her last Christmas--about which I consulted the rest of the family BEFORE opening my mouth--then she's just being petty. I was respectful and spoke to her one-on-one. If she doesn't like me, she could at least be adult enough to show me the same courtesy.
All I can say on this front is that I truly think it's funny. It delights me that she's wasting energy on hating me because, at the end of the day, she's still thinking about me, which means I win.
In other news, things are still a little bit tense at home. Incomes are tight, money is not coming in. My friend Kurt would refer to this as "standing under the economy, waiting for the trickle down--obviously, this will be quite some time." (I might Facebook that as my status tomorrow. I find it quietly brilliant.) Obviously, this creates tension and attitudes. JJ and I are actively seeking out an apartment now. Living here has become much too much of a strain on our relationship and our self-esteem. It's a little too complicated here, and our nerves are shot from years of anxiety attacks anyways. We kinda can't take it any more.
I'm feeling pretty good about starting school again, though. This will be my last semester at Owens as well as JJ's last semester. JJ graduates this semester and I transfer to Lourdes. I'm excited about moving upwards. My books--save one--are purchased and supplies are set to go. I'm ready for this semester to get started! I think JJ feels the same way. I think he's ready to get out into the real world. At any rate, I'm ready to be doing something with my brain again. I enjoy learning. I enjoy having something to put my mind to. It's nice to have something to focus on to keep the boredom at bay.
As for starting work, I'm incredulous. I feel like I was the go-to girl, but somehow I'm not anymore. I don't want to make a big deal about feeling this way, but I really don't like not being able to feel confident in my position and the people around me. More than that, I almost feel like there are things that everyone else knows that I don't. As though there's been some news broadcast--Jessica Platz, student worker, falls from grace! Find out the story tonight at 11!--and I was the only one who slept through it instead of watching. I just don't feel good about it right now. Not at all. My long term plan is to keep my head down and my mouth shut though, though both of those are things that I am not terribly good at. Apart from that, I guess we'll see how the semester plays out.
The good thing about this break is that I've had plenty of time to read to keep my mind focused on other things than how unsteady I feel about my position in the world. I read a really great Janet Fitch book that I would highly recommend to anyone called Paint it Black. Seriously, pick it up. She gets the despair just right in her writing. It's wonderful. It makes you feel.
As for right now, I'm going to get my school supplies and books together for tomorrow and spend the rest of the evening reading a book. Maybe the husband and I will watch a film. At any rate, it will be relaxing.
We even had minimal drama over the holiday season. Though, it does make me laugh to know that one of JJ's aunts has declared her hatred for me. She didn't speak to me and spoke only ONE sentence to poor JJ at Christmas. Now, personally, I can understand how some people might not like me. I hold people to high standards and I expect them to live up to them. I have absolutely no problem telling people what I think, even if those thoughts might not be well received. I have no problem being "the bad guy." I can see how those things might not go over well with some people. However, those would all be things that a person would have to figure out about me after at least spending a little bit of time getting to know me.
JJ's aunt has never gotten to know me. She has never sat down with me and had an actual conversation. I doubt she would even know my last name if not for the fact that it is the same as my husband's. She knows absolutely nothing about me. She doesn't know when my birthday is, what kind of pie I like, my opinions on government, my favorite books. She doesn't know what brought JJ and I together, how long we've been together, why we decided to get married or how long we plan to live with my parents. The list of things that she doesn't know about myself and my husband could fill volumes. This is one of the reasons that I find it HILARIOUS that she doesn't like me. She doesn't even know me.
Moreover, JJ has been happier with me than he has ever been in his life. That alone should make her like me a little bit, even if she doesn't love me personally. She should at least have respect for the fact that I make her nephew happy, that he's been more motivated to do something with his life since he's been with me and around me. She isn't even happy for him that he's graduating college this semester--something that no one else in their family has ever done before. To me, it's a big deal. Above all else, he's still her blood. She can hate me all she wants to--even though we all know it's just because she's intimidated that I'm smarter and better than her and her children--but she does still owe my husband some respect. At the VERY least. Plus, if she's going to hold grudges against me for a simple request I made of her last Christmas--about which I consulted the rest of the family BEFORE opening my mouth--then she's just being petty. I was respectful and spoke to her one-on-one. If she doesn't like me, she could at least be adult enough to show me the same courtesy.
All I can say on this front is that I truly think it's funny. It delights me that she's wasting energy on hating me because, at the end of the day, she's still thinking about me, which means I win.
In other news, things are still a little bit tense at home. Incomes are tight, money is not coming in. My friend Kurt would refer to this as "standing under the economy, waiting for the trickle down--obviously, this will be quite some time." (I might Facebook that as my status tomorrow. I find it quietly brilliant.) Obviously, this creates tension and attitudes. JJ and I are actively seeking out an apartment now. Living here has become much too much of a strain on our relationship and our self-esteem. It's a little too complicated here, and our nerves are shot from years of anxiety attacks anyways. We kinda can't take it any more.
I'm feeling pretty good about starting school again, though. This will be my last semester at Owens as well as JJ's last semester. JJ graduates this semester and I transfer to Lourdes. I'm excited about moving upwards. My books--save one--are purchased and supplies are set to go. I'm ready for this semester to get started! I think JJ feels the same way. I think he's ready to get out into the real world. At any rate, I'm ready to be doing something with my brain again. I enjoy learning. I enjoy having something to put my mind to. It's nice to have something to focus on to keep the boredom at bay.
As for starting work, I'm incredulous. I feel like I was the go-to girl, but somehow I'm not anymore. I don't want to make a big deal about feeling this way, but I really don't like not being able to feel confident in my position and the people around me. More than that, I almost feel like there are things that everyone else knows that I don't. As though there's been some news broadcast--Jessica Platz, student worker, falls from grace! Find out the story tonight at 11!--and I was the only one who slept through it instead of watching. I just don't feel good about it right now. Not at all. My long term plan is to keep my head down and my mouth shut though, though both of those are things that I am not terribly good at. Apart from that, I guess we'll see how the semester plays out.
The good thing about this break is that I've had plenty of time to read to keep my mind focused on other things than how unsteady I feel about my position in the world. I read a really great Janet Fitch book that I would highly recommend to anyone called Paint it Black. Seriously, pick it up. She gets the despair just right in her writing. It's wonderful. It makes you feel.
As for right now, I'm going to get my school supplies and books together for tomorrow and spend the rest of the evening reading a book. Maybe the husband and I will watch a film. At any rate, it will be relaxing.
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