I came to a sad realization today: for the first time ever--even in my adult life--I am not excited about Halloween.
When I was a child, Halloween was always my favorite holiday. You could be anything that you wanted, dress in any way that you chose. My usual wardrobe, which was considered by my parentals to be "too dark," was actually acceptable. It was alright for children to roam the streets after dark, laugh too loudly with all of their neighborhood friends. Even a little bit of mischief was tolerated because it was expected on Halloween. It was always an evening that was rife with possibilities.
Autumn itself has always been my favorite of seasons for the same reason. The cool air just feels pregnant with change, potential. It seems like it could be a time when special things happen, when life brings you the things that are supposed to come to you. Nature fools you with it. The air becomes temperate, then cool. The leaves begin to turn the beautiful colors of fall. You begin to feel it in your bones, that feeling that something is coming, maybe for you.
Halloween has always yielded some of the best parties, best memories. With the exception of one very notable year, it has almost always been positive. I've spent time with my friends, laughed about as many things as possible, and followed the typical rule of eat-drink-and-be-merry that usually goes along with the season.
This year is different. This year feels dormant, passive. Perhaps this really is my final leap into true adulthood. I've never felt adult, not even with all my independence and adult responsibility. Maybe this is part of that transition. Is it time for my to put away childish things? I suppose at the age of 25 it might be time to start laying that part of myself to rest.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Autumn's Chilled Arms
Much has happened since last I updated my poor, neglected blog. Leaves are turning, falling. Wind is picking up. The air has a chill now that comes with late October. I have forgone sleep for many hours. It's comfortable and familiar to my Midwestern heart. Autumn has always been my favorite season, but the cold of the air leaves a cold within me that I can't seem to kick until snows begin to fall. Oh, Autumn, you sassy wench! I love/hate you!
To begin with, AW's visit came and went. It was blissfully free of drama or event. I've never had so many people surrounding me at once. It was nice. I felt popular, well-liked. He was exceedingly quiet, which was not quite something that I expected. Yet, he gelled well with my friends. Charles, one of the basketball players that lives in my building, actually grew quite attached in the short time that they made each other's acquaintance. Endearing, no?
I've also managed a trip back to Indiana since last I wrote. JJ's cousin Matt was got married, and I was able to go to the wedding. It was a small, intimate ceremony. It was really lovely. We got to spend a little time with his family. Then, we went back to his father's house, where he's staying, and had some quality time to ourselves. There was no fighting or arguing. We simply enjoyed each other's company. It was comforting to sleep next to him again. I miss that physical intimacy. I was only able to be in town for a day, but it was still nice to be able to go.
I also went to a Halloween party and made a drunken spectacle of myself. I'm not proud, but I chalk it up to one of those normal college things. It's not like I'm getting smashed off my rocker each night and sleeping with strangers. I just got drunk once and said some idiotic things, sang too loudly, danced like a fool, and woke up hangover-free the next morning. All's well that ends well, I say.
There's not really too much else to say. I managed to get an A in my biochemistry class, which I wasn't sure was going to happen. Now we just have to see how I do in nutritional chemistry and pathophysiology.
One thing that I have found less than attractive about myself lately is how emotional I've been. I've been sullen, giddy, childish, indecisive, sad, jealous, and a host of other silly little things. I get offended so easily when it comes to certain individuals. Worst is what I am about to admit next...
I developed a ridiculous high school crush on one of the guys that hangs out with my group. I almost feel too humiliated to even admit it. As a friend so callously pointed out to me yesterday, he'll never see me the way that I see him. More than that, I'm a tangled mess of problems and people wanting wanting wanting from me. I don't have room for another. And those things are even before I mention the fact that I'm married and he's in a relationship (lest you be worried, I am not the type of woman who cheats or invites others into cheating, thank you). Sort of makes my stupid little crush seem like a moot and foolish point, doesn't it? I have a plan, though. First, delete phone number from phone, which I have already done once and plan to do a second time. Second, stop hanging out with this individual--not that he's not a great guy, but I really don't need the drama of extra stupid feelings. Third, never speak of this again. Please feel free to commence step three expediently.
I feel like I'm no longer sure what I want from my life. Nursing was a bust. I hated it. English or social work are good options, but I don't want to do all the bogus classes that I'm seeing my roommate taking right now for social work. I've always wanted to be a writer, but I really don't know if I can hack it. I don't think I'm that good. What to do? I'm still in the midst of wondering if this is me or autumn's cruel influence or both. I think sleep is much needed at this point.
To begin with, AW's visit came and went. It was blissfully free of drama or event. I've never had so many people surrounding me at once. It was nice. I felt popular, well-liked. He was exceedingly quiet, which was not quite something that I expected. Yet, he gelled well with my friends. Charles, one of the basketball players that lives in my building, actually grew quite attached in the short time that they made each other's acquaintance. Endearing, no?
I've also managed a trip back to Indiana since last I wrote. JJ's cousin Matt was got married, and I was able to go to the wedding. It was a small, intimate ceremony. It was really lovely. We got to spend a little time with his family. Then, we went back to his father's house, where he's staying, and had some quality time to ourselves. There was no fighting or arguing. We simply enjoyed each other's company. It was comforting to sleep next to him again. I miss that physical intimacy. I was only able to be in town for a day, but it was still nice to be able to go.
I also went to a Halloween party and made a drunken spectacle of myself. I'm not proud, but I chalk it up to one of those normal college things. It's not like I'm getting smashed off my rocker each night and sleeping with strangers. I just got drunk once and said some idiotic things, sang too loudly, danced like a fool, and woke up hangover-free the next morning. All's well that ends well, I say.
There's not really too much else to say. I managed to get an A in my biochemistry class, which I wasn't sure was going to happen. Now we just have to see how I do in nutritional chemistry and pathophysiology.
One thing that I have found less than attractive about myself lately is how emotional I've been. I've been sullen, giddy, childish, indecisive, sad, jealous, and a host of other silly little things. I get offended so easily when it comes to certain individuals. Worst is what I am about to admit next...
I developed a ridiculous high school crush on one of the guys that hangs out with my group. I almost feel too humiliated to even admit it. As a friend so callously pointed out to me yesterday, he'll never see me the way that I see him. More than that, I'm a tangled mess of problems and people wanting wanting wanting from me. I don't have room for another. And those things are even before I mention the fact that I'm married and he's in a relationship (lest you be worried, I am not the type of woman who cheats or invites others into cheating, thank you). Sort of makes my stupid little crush seem like a moot and foolish point, doesn't it? I have a plan, though. First, delete phone number from phone, which I have already done once and plan to do a second time. Second, stop hanging out with this individual--not that he's not a great guy, but I really don't need the drama of extra stupid feelings. Third, never speak of this again. Please feel free to commence step three expediently.
I feel like I'm no longer sure what I want from my life. Nursing was a bust. I hated it. English or social work are good options, but I don't want to do all the bogus classes that I'm seeing my roommate taking right now for social work. I've always wanted to be a writer, but I really don't know if I can hack it. I don't think I'm that good. What to do? I'm still in the midst of wondering if this is me or autumn's cruel influence or both. I think sleep is much needed at this point.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
The Ever-Impressive Inability to Rest
As I noted in my post a few days ago, I had a birthday the other day. It was uneventful, as has been my entire week. Yet, despite all this nothing doing, I'm still missing out on sleep and relaxation time. I'd really love to be able to say that it's super easy for me to drift off in this twin XL bed, but it's actually really terrible.
Here's the thing about college: I love the freedom and the independence. There was definitely something there that I needed. The downside is that it all comes at the price of having anything familiar. In essence, it's like being instantly single. There's no one to look after you or to take care of you. You don't get the luxury of cuddling up to someone in the night. There are hook-ups all around you, but you're not having them yourself. Though the independence is cathartic, everything else is sort of cold and lonely.
Don't get me wrong here, this doesn't stem from some teenage yearning to be liked or desired. I'm actually very well-liked here. In fact, this is the first time in my life that either people aren't talking about me or, for a record-breaking first time, I really, truly just don't give a shit. I just can't seem to enjoy it. If I'm not feeling the pressure of existence or freaking out about some stupid deadline, I'm not really feeling much of anything. Yet, somehow, I'm more or less comfortable here. Odd, no?
In other news, AW--the ever-famous Canadian--is coming to visit me on Monday. He'll be staying for a week. I have no idea what will happen or if we'll even enjoy each other's company. I have a feeling that I'm much more of an acquired taste than the lovely ladies that share my time lately have assumed. The closer that we get to this arrival, the less I think of this dynamic. Rather, I'm certain that things may go south in one way or another. In some ways, that makes it a good thing that I live in the dorms. I mean, sharing a building with a bunch of people who know and love me can't be all bad, especially if things are sinking faster. We shall see.
In the mean time, I'm going to attempt to shake off the bondage of insomnia and sleep for a while. You may have noticed that I am up very late, despite a need to awaken early. Why is this? I can't seem to get comfortable enough to rest. Every time I start to settle enough to sleep, the phone rings or I get a text message. It was hard enough to settle in the first time, harder still to manage it thrice. Needless to say, the fourth time wasn't working for me all that well, which is what spurred my update. Oh, Brain, when will you decide you're tortured me enough?
Here's the thing about college: I love the freedom and the independence. There was definitely something there that I needed. The downside is that it all comes at the price of having anything familiar. In essence, it's like being instantly single. There's no one to look after you or to take care of you. You don't get the luxury of cuddling up to someone in the night. There are hook-ups all around you, but you're not having them yourself. Though the independence is cathartic, everything else is sort of cold and lonely.
Don't get me wrong here, this doesn't stem from some teenage yearning to be liked or desired. I'm actually very well-liked here. In fact, this is the first time in my life that either people aren't talking about me or, for a record-breaking first time, I really, truly just don't give a shit. I just can't seem to enjoy it. If I'm not feeling the pressure of existence or freaking out about some stupid deadline, I'm not really feeling much of anything. Yet, somehow, I'm more or less comfortable here. Odd, no?
In other news, AW--the ever-famous Canadian--is coming to visit me on Monday. He'll be staying for a week. I have no idea what will happen or if we'll even enjoy each other's company. I have a feeling that I'm much more of an acquired taste than the lovely ladies that share my time lately have assumed. The closer that we get to this arrival, the less I think of this dynamic. Rather, I'm certain that things may go south in one way or another. In some ways, that makes it a good thing that I live in the dorms. I mean, sharing a building with a bunch of people who know and love me can't be all bad, especially if things are sinking faster. We shall see.
In the mean time, I'm going to attempt to shake off the bondage of insomnia and sleep for a while. You may have noticed that I am up very late, despite a need to awaken early. Why is this? I can't seem to get comfortable enough to rest. Every time I start to settle enough to sleep, the phone rings or I get a text message. It was hard enough to settle in the first time, harder still to manage it thrice. Needless to say, the fourth time wasn't working for me all that well, which is what spurred my update. Oh, Brain, when will you decide you're tortured me enough?
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Busy Doing Very Little
Lately, I seem to be really busy. The funny thing about that is that I find myself doing very little most of the time. I have a feeling that I'm getting a much more authentic college experience than I bargained for initially. I think every high school kid sort of has this idea that college is going to be full of awesome parties, hanging out, and living like you're an adult or something. Being an adult and living in the dorms, I can say that it's really easy to adapt to that sort of do-nothing lifestyle. I'm busy all the time, but I'm busy doing nothing. It's kind of lame of me, really.
But then again, how much would you pay to be able to do very little? It might just be worth the tuition money.
Moving on, this week was my birthday. I turned 25 yesterday, in fact. Being 25 isn't really any kind of milestone. You've survived two and half decades. You're five years from being thirty. Mostly, that seems ridiculously depressing. Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of growing old because age is accompanied by an increased comfort level with the world and one's self. It's just that I've run out of birthdays that one looks forward to. From now on, it's just keeping a count of the years until I croak, which will not be any time soon.
Of course, I'm coming across as much more morose than I really am. I had a very nice, low-key birthday, actually. I got a good drunk on with my girls and we laughed and played a game. Nick took me out to dinner, and my father made me a chocolate cheesecake. For the most part, I stayed in and played it cool. Someone at the dorms decorated our door with streamers and signs. It's been nice.
Hopefully, my boring theme keeps up and I can stay low-key.
But then again, how much would you pay to be able to do very little? It might just be worth the tuition money.
Moving on, this week was my birthday. I turned 25 yesterday, in fact. Being 25 isn't really any kind of milestone. You've survived two and half decades. You're five years from being thirty. Mostly, that seems ridiculously depressing. Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of growing old because age is accompanied by an increased comfort level with the world and one's self. It's just that I've run out of birthdays that one looks forward to. From now on, it's just keeping a count of the years until I croak, which will not be any time soon.
Of course, I'm coming across as much more morose than I really am. I had a very nice, low-key birthday, actually. I got a good drunk on with my girls and we laughed and played a game. Nick took me out to dinner, and my father made me a chocolate cheesecake. For the most part, I stayed in and played it cool. Someone at the dorms decorated our door with streamers and signs. It's been nice.
Hopefully, my boring theme keeps up and I can stay low-key.
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