Procrastination!

As we speak, I am putting off what I could be doing right now. Mostly because I just can't seem to gather my thoughts. And, as the old saying goes, "Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?"

My teeth (or lack thereof) and jaw are feeling much better today. Only one of the sockets is still a little on the ache-y side. My head is much clearer. School is going well so far. Finals are next week, so I'm a little freaked out about that. I feel like I still have so much to do--like the pharmaceutical project I'm putting off in lieu of screwing around on the Internet and arbitrarily wasting my time. In my defense, however, Percocet--while fun to take--is crap to write about.

I just finished reading Julie & Julia by Julie Powell this morning. I have to say, I enjoyed it immensely! My aunt, Maria, awesome woman that she is, lent it to me. She's witty in a way that makes her reader think, "Oh my God, me too!" as they progress through her novel. I loved every page of it. In fact, I am seriously considering purchasing her second book, Cleaving: A Story of Marriage, Meat, and Obsession.

The interesting effect that Julie Powell has on me is that she makes me want to cook. This, of course, is thwarted by the fact that (1) I don't cook for my family because they are never grateful for it, (2) I don't cook for others because it never ends up being worth the stress, and (3) I don't particularly like the heat and the movement and the effort all for something someone else is just going to scarf down without even noticing. Mostly, I think it's due to the kinship that I feel for Julie Powell. I'm certain that I would never be able to get that across in a conversation with her without seeming the creepy stalker.

At any rate, a renewed focus is necessary. My sleepy husband is getting pissy with me, which I have little patience for. Plus, I'd kind of like to sleep at some point.

Thanksgiving Weekend and a Lack of Witty Titles

My week has been a long one, Reader. First, I had school and work on Monday. However, blissfully, we didn't have any classes for the rest of the week. In fact, the campus is closed until this coming Monday. Unfortunately, as I may have previously mentioned, I was scheduled for a wisdom tooth extraction on Tuesday morning--the 24th, for those keeping track.

Loyal to my word, I didn't eat or drink after midnight the night before. I showered and brushed my teeth the morning of and took my two Valium with a sip of water as required. (I mentioned that I was freaked out at the idea of surgery, the doctor handed me a prescription. What ever happened to calming words? Better living through chemistry, I suppose.) When we got to the office, I was feeling pretty damned mellow. In fact, I can easily see how so many people can enjoy Valium. You're coherent. There's no drug fog. You just don't really care about much of anything. There's no anxiety. There's no feeling. You just kinda are.

I was hooked up to several annoying, beeping machines. I was left in the room with my husband. The doctor finally came in and tried to get a vein so they could give me the sodium pentathol. First, I have to mention that his technique was awful. For a man who spends much of his time giving injections, he was really really bad at finding my vein. In fact, he did the worst thing ever, which was smack the spots on my arms and hands that he was trying to find them. Other than the amazing ability to piss off a patient, this technique also boasts the joy of actually making veins HARDER to find. Smart, doc. Somewhere after that injection, I recall something being fitted over my face. After that, I don't recall.

What I do recall, however, is waking up during the procedure to intense pain. I was waking up while they were still pulling teeth!! With fingers and instruments in my mouth, I couldn't do much other than moan, but it was enough to get the message across. I couldn't really open my eyes. I heard them tell me that I was doing great and that it was almost over--is that just something people tell you in the midst of pain? I distinctly recall having heard those words associated with childbirth as well--and then I was waking up later. I recall asking to see my teeth and being told that someone else already took them out of the room. (Hell, I figure if I had to pay $1400 to have them removed, the least you could do is show the bitches to me, right?!) Then, I was being walked to a recovery room.

I was surprisingly awake afterward. My mouth was numb, which all the nurses and people knew, and yet they insisted on asking me questions. Really? How in the hell do you expect me to respond when I can't feel my tongue and my mouth is stuffed with cotton?! But, you make the requisite noises in response and the struggle to understand what you said that ensues you have the misfortune of trying to find vaguely comical somehow. I bled for the rest of the day, but I slept pretty damned well.

The pain hasn't been that bad. The doctor gave me percocet, roxan, and clindamycin to have filled before the day of the surgery. All I had to do was take them when I got home. He also gave me an additional prescription for darvocet. I was thinking they were crazy during the first few days because the pain wasn't bad enough to warrant another round of narcotics. Now, however, I think I'm changing my mind. The pain is a little bit worse, but it's not the sockets themselves. It's all the surrounding tissues. Even my sinuses ache. I'm a little worried about dry socket, which doesn't seem to be happening, but I'll worry until I know more because that's just how I am. At any rate, if the pain doesn't significantly lessen by the time Tuesday rolls back around, I'll be calling their offices. As it stands, ice packs and heat are helping, so I'm not too worked up about it.

Thanksgiving wasn't all that bad. I had anticipated that things would be much much worse. My father had been angry with the family for a few days before. I don't blame him. Things get too crazy around here. But, of course, because he was upset, they had to be upset too. Then, we play the game where we try to pull everyone else into the middle. Mostly, I just don't care to hear it. I get really tired of the attitudes. I work too hard to have to put up with the bullshit.

My twin came into town as well as my great aunt and uncle, who we call Grandma Linda and Grandpa Jack--we've always called them that. It wasn't that bad. Things were a little rough at first, but by dinner people were warming up to each other. All in all, we had a nice time. The food was good, though I may have overdone it, being fresh out of surgery like I was. I should have avoided the turkey and focused more attention on the potatoes.

The tension at least dissipated. Things just get a little crowded around here. They spend so much time around each other that eventually they just want to blow up about it. The only thing that JJ and I have going for us here is that we get out of the house regularly. We have obligations and things that keep us occupied, so when we're home, we tend to appreciate the fact that we're home a little more. The rest of them not having jobs--save my twin, of course, who is down at college the rest of the year--just puts them around each other too much. They just need to stick to their separate corners more often...or at least, more often around family holidays when feelings are already strained.

The only good thing to come of being post-op in the midst of family warfare was that I got to use the phrase, "Seriously, guys, stop it. You're ruining my buzz." Much to my shock, it actually worked at diffusing the situation. Chalk one up for the selfish, stoned girl at the table.

I don't mean to neglect the blog, but my pain meds are kicking in again. (I can tell when they do, too. It's a very distinct reality shift. Very very distinct.) I think I need to get myself a little more sleep. I'll try to write more later. A Belated Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Happy Anniversary!

First, Happy Anniversary to my husband! Today marks our second year of marriage!

Today, I'm feeling very positive. My paper for English tonight is complete, and I think it's a very good paper. Indeed, I wouldn't have been able to make it so great if not for Kevin, who helped me immensely. Not only that, he also complemented me liberally which was nice because it's always horrible for one's ego to have another critique one's writing. It was nice that someone else had faith in my abilities.

This morning, Jim helped me work on a scholarship essay. He was really very helpful, and I feel like I came out with a much better essay because of him. I turned in a final product that I was very confident about, but now it's just a waiting game. We'll see who ends up getting nominated for Owens. (The scholarship in question is the Jack Kent Cooke scholarship. It's $30,000 a year for up to 3 years. Super important! Fingers crossed for me, okay?!) Needless to say, it's been a day of writing for me, a theme that I'll have to continue well into tomorrow in order to finish my essay about the common traits suffragists share. At any rate, I'm feeling productive.

Scholarship essay: done. English paper: done. History paper: in progress and coming along nicely. Take-home Chem test: not begun. All in all, not bad.

As Aimee Mann Says...

Alright, so here we are again, dear old friends! It's been a while, I know. Forgive me! My life is hectic and chaotic. As the blog says, overworked and underpaid.

My car has been leaking oil furiously, which, of course, is going to cost copious amounts of money. I have to pay for my oral surgery still, however, and thus I will not be able to pay for both. So, do I keep the car and postpone the surgery, or do I keep the surgery date and postpone the car? To drive to classes and work or to be finished with the pressure in my mouth, that is the question. (I have always had the feeling that people who add the phrase "that is the question" to the end of a sentence feel that Hamlet had nothing on them. Yet, how many of us can claim to have had to fight our kingdoms away from our adultering uncle who killed our father? Not many, I'm willing to bet. Hamlet is still worse off than I am.)

This, of course, does not mention my academic strain. I skipped a class last night, despite my better judgment. I felt horrible and depressed about my car and the state of my finances. It was really better that I wasn't there. I wouldn't have been paying attention because I was sick, and then I'd have been paying even less attention because I'd be too preoccupied with paying for my life, which is the one thing that I can't seem to manage to do. It was a good thing that we went home too, because later that night I had a crying jag. In fact, that seems to be something that I've been doing a lot of lately.

I cry when something is sad. I cry when something is happy. I cry when something is triumphant. I cry when something is overwhelming. I cry when something is underwhelming. I am beginning to wonder if I have some kind of hormonal imbalance or something. Lord knows I'm not usually this emotional. In the past, I was irritated with myself if I didn't seem to cry enough at sad things. Now, I cry at things that aren't sad at all! I found myself fighting off tears watching movies about women's suffrage in history class! How ridiculous am I these days? I mean, really!

I keep thinking that JJ and I would be better off living on our own again, but then I wonder where we'd get the money to be able to do that. We're a burden on my parents who can't make enough to support themselves as it is. Normally, we'd be contributing to them, but we haven't been able to do that lately either with all the car issues. So what are we supposed to do? The sad part is that if we had been stupid and had kids early, we'd be basically taken care of, especially being back in school like this. It makes me sad that intelligent, hard-working people like my husband and I can't make it in this world, but ignorant, lazy welfare parents can do just fine.

I'm feeling jaded and sad today. It's like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, but it never goes away. Just when I shift the weight to a comfortable position, more of it gets heaped on top.

More, More, More

I have gotten the call to let me know that my car is finished and, evidently, driving well. Meanwhile, we still have to buy the air intake boot since the mechanic couldn't find one locally. Alas, we will have to pay the cost, the shipping, and the labor. Granted, we may have had to pay for these anyway, but it would have been at at once, not three separate transactions.

Now, to save for my teeth. I'm thrilled, can you tell? I love being poor. I love being unable to pay the bills that we need to pay and getting nasty calls in the middle of my class to try to persuade me to spend money that I don't have. Awesome.

I'm stressed about the test I have coming up in History tomorrow. I'm stressed about the test I'll have in statistics on Thursday. I'm stressed about the two major papers that I have to write. I'm stressed about what people think of me and making sure that I'm doing enough to make everyone happy. Will I have enough money to do the things that I need to do? Will I have enough nerves to keep from going off?

I'm conflicted about everything. I have a Halloween party coming up this weekend, and I'm not even sure I really want to think about it. I want to go to be with my friends, but I don't want to go be in the cold and hang out with the people that I don't know. I know there will be a lot of drunk people there. I know they'll be people I won't know, which really severely limits the patience that I'll have with them.

I'm just kinda blah today. I feel like my husband is hovering over my shoulder lately. I never go anywhere without him, which can be grating at times. I'm dreading student government at 4. I'm dreading stats and the idea of a quiz or "opportunity exercise." I should have stayed in bed today.

Updates All Around!

It turns out my silly little blog does have a reader! How delightful! Even if my +1 came from the need to explain my "'tude," it's still a good enough reason for me! Lesson learned from this: being a bitch gains readership. (Haha, just kidding, Jim. Really, I'm working on it.)

However, I promised actual updates, so here they are. I have found out that my great aunt Katy is doing well enough. She didn't break her hip as we suspected. She wore out the cartilage between the bones. Needless to say, she is in pain, but they believe that some rehab will help her situation. She'll be in the hospital for longer than she wants, but at least she's being taken care of. She's really the sweetest little lady, and I only hope the hospital staff comes to see that and treats her accordingly. (She broke her hip the first time when she was in her earlier eighties while volunteering at the local old folk's home. She used to wheel the ailing down to the church service on Saturday evenings--they're Catholic.)

My car is another matter. Additional hoses and an air intake boot (?) need to be replaced. Meaning, of course, that I will need to spend more money. Of course, this is money that I do not have. Alas, I require a vehicle. Can you see the conundrum here? The other thing that this has added to my equation is time, which we also do not really have. Being a one car family is a little taxing on all of us.

On the job front, it seems that my bosses feel that I may have misinterpreted the initial e-mail. If this is the case, I will be simply over-joyed. If this is not the case, I'll be out of a job. At any rate, my fears here have not yet diminished, but I'll just let the cards fall where they fall. Who knows, the end result could be a blessing rather than curse. Only time will tell and other such cliches.

I'm at a very strange impasse right now in my life. I feel like I'm not doing enough, and I feel like there's nothing I can do. It's like there's something missing, but I can't figure out what it is. Maybe church? Surprising as it seems that I would be comfortable with organized religion, I am a little bit. We haven't been to church on a regular basis since before we moved her because we had no vehicle then. I would really like to find a local church.

For some reason, though, what keeps me from finding a church in the area is the level of attachment that I have to my old church. I'm fifth generation at that church. People attend that church who were friends with my maternal grandmother and great grandmother. They have stories. I have history there. I don't want to be the new young folks at some new place that has its own history. Sadly, I'm a state away from that portion of my personal and familial history. I can't just drive out whenever I choose. I'm almost afraid that if I make a new connection here, it negates what I have there. Maybe part of me is afraid that if we make a commitment to a new church here, we might never go back to the old one, that we might abandon the idea of moving back to Indiana in general.

Strange as it seems and as long as I've lived here in Ohio, it still doesn't feel like home to me. I love being around my father. I love being near my family. But Ohio just doesn't feel like where I'm supposed to be. Indiana is what feels like home to me. I regret the fact that I can't just decide to head over to JJ's grandmother's for an evening just because we feel like seeing her. I don't like that I can't think about going to MY church whenever I feel like it. I don't like that it's a two hour drive for me to go to a wedding or baby shower or birthday party. This year we're actually missing JJ's grandmother's 80th birthday because I'm having my oral surgery and we can't afford to make it out after that kind of spending. I hate that we can't celebrate a major milestone with a family member because we're broke and we moved.

The worst part is the irony that we moved over here to get out of poverty, and we still live in poverty. In fact, it actually got worse because, rather than it being just the two of us, we are now working to support the five of us. We added three people to our worries. I keep wondering what would have happened if we had just stayed in Indiana. All of our school stuff is loans, so we wouldn't be worse off. We would have been paying all in-state tuition, so we might have actually been better off. A greater portion of me is kicking myself for ever thinking that this would be a good idea.

Maybe the weather is just making me cranky. It's cold and wet out, and it will probably snow in the next couple of days here. Actually, from what JJ's been telling me, it's already snowing in Indiana. That and I'm all hormonal and crampy. At any given point in the last few days I have been mere inches from tears. I'm just waiting for the moment that someone says something to me at work and, in my rush to get out my response, I start to cry. (It's coming, I can just feel it.) I hate crying in front of people. They always look at you with that pitying facial expression. Nothing makes me feel weaker than crying in front of other people who don't know how to respond to you. You keep crying, they keep looking confused and uncomfortable, and you just feel increasingly pathetic--which, of course, makes you continue crying.

I hate being a woman. Why anyone would choose to be a woman is beyond me--not that we're given a choice. Welcome to all the responsibilty, none of the credit, and the added bonus of feeling "not so fresh" once a month! Enjoy, ladies! Yeah, right. And the fact that some women call it, ironically, a "monthly gift" just makes me want to punch them. Ugh, seriously, shut up.

Better for me to quit now before I inspire myself to burst into tears.

Also, for the record, Blogger hates me. I had to repost this freakin' blog 3 times before it didn't tell me that there was an HTML error, and I didn't even use HTML posting!

Overextension and the VP of SG

So here we are again. I have built myself a golden prison. I have committed to far too many things, and I am unable to handle the pressure. I am frustrated, tired, and feeling like everything I do is futile. Other people say they're committed, but too many things are falling by the wayside, and I--stupidly, as usual--have proven myself to be reliable. Fuck.

So now, like always, tons of the work falls on me. Fuck. I have to give something up. I have to sacrifice something for my sanity. Yet, I don't want to feel guilty. I don't want to feel like I'm letting a bunch of people down, which I will, of course. But I can't keep doing this. It's turning me into a terribly unpleasant person.

My car is still in the shop, too. My teeth still need to be pulled. I still make minimum wage. The administration at Owens has now decided that students who are transferring to another institution can't work at Owens anymore either. So, in addition to everything else that I have to worry about, I also have to think about losing my job. Not to mention the fact that my great aunt Katy is in the hospital.

The worst part about Katy being in the hospital is that no one bothered to call us and let us know that she was in the hospital. Apparently, she fell and broke her hip, which she had a total replacement on before. Essentially, she re-broke her hip. How long was she there? Is she doing alright? Is she having another surgery? All of these are questions that I would like to ask, but I have no answers to. No one on Dad's side of the family will call us back. (This great aunt is my father's aunt.)

It is because of this that I fear JJ and I will be making a trip to Indiana this weekend. Unless I can get some answers on the phone today--which I will have to spend the afternoon doing rather than attending Student Government--we're going to drive over. I'm way too worried about her to let this go.

The thing is that my Great Aunt Katy has been around me since I was a baby. She and her sister, Josephine, never married. They were my paternal grandmother's sisters, and they lived across the street from my grandmother and grandfather. Much of my childhood was spent at Auntie Jo and Auntie Katy's house. I drew in their living room, slept in their guest bedroom, played on their patio. They made me breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They let me paint ceramics and crochet with them. My childhood was spent in a way that allowed me to have three grandmothers. Since then, my grandmother and my great aunt Jo have passed away. Katy is the only one left.

One of my biggest fears with this whole situation is that she'll pass away and I'll never get to say good-bye. I'll never get to tell her that I love her and appreciate her. I'll never get to let her know that she meant so much to me. I'm so afraid for that. She's older. There are a million complications that could happen as the result of a broken hip. She's in her late eighties, for God's sake!

I just can't decide right now if I'm more angry or scared. Am I more angry at that side of the family for not bothering to tell us what happened? Am I more angry that my father has called them and they never bothered to call us back? Or am I more scared that something is going to happen? Am I more scared of losing her? I can't decide if I want to go scream at my stupid cousins for being selfish and horrid or cry because I haven't been affectionate or appreciative enough.

I just need a little break. RIGHT NOW.

Post-Birthday Post

So, it turns out that my optimism about my birthday this year was greatly exaggerated. In fact, there was no reason for it at all. Here's a little list of the disasters that helped make my birthday unforgettably terrible:

-car started acting funny on the way in to work
-got into bathroom at work only to have the power go out and have to feel my way right back out again
-left work for oral surgeon appointment
-car broke down a mile and half away from oral surgeon's office...in a work zone
-work men have to move my car because it's deadness is in their way. I bawl.
-work men have to move my car AGAIN because they need to re-open the entryway they moved me into
-get to the oral surgeon's office at 12:15 for a 10:45 appointment. I bawl.
-get toothpaste on my shirt
-oral surgeon rudely accuses me of being a habitual sugar-eater
-find out that my wisdom tooth extraction will cost $1465
-have an exam in Literature

It was a banner day, let me tell you.

Further, I discovered yesterday that the problem with my car is the transmission. It has to be replaced or refurbished. This will cost between $1500 and $2000. As I am of limited means, this is quite crippling. I have no choice but to fix the car. I can't afford to get another. Unfortunately, it also means that I will have to scrimp and save in order to be able to pay for my surgery by November 24th. I have to decide whether to refurbish the transmission for $2000 with a one year warranty or replace with a used transmission for $1500 with a three month warranty. I'll probably end up refurbishing, but I'm scared to death that I'll be making the wrong choice either way.

I am truly tired of being poor. My father tells me that it's acceptable to be living in poverty because my husband and I are still "becoming," but I would much rather be "became." I just wish we had some money for once. I wish we had something to rely on except optimism and the hope that it will one day be better. What if it never gets better? What if we are poor and dejected for the rest of our unhappy days?

Why can't I just have a trust fund and a BMW? Is that too much to ask?

Pre-Birthday Post

After a weekend of actually applying myself (well, as applied as I happen to get, anyways), I have managed to accomplish a few things. For one, I got my take-home test done for Chemistry. For two, I got part of my Statistics take-home done (to be finished post-post!). All of this is terribly amazing considering how very little I actually feel like doing. I'm having a very lazy weekend.

Last night, I "mastered" (according to my mother) the "art" of making mashed potato-based potato pancakes. You basically make a mashed potato patty and then fry it in a lot of butter. And, when I say a lot, I mean my mom uses like a half a stick for 3-4 pancakes. It's a LOT of butter. But I learned how, which made me feel vaguely culinary, so that was nice.

Then, post-pancake, we went over to Amie's for a little time by the bonfire. It was pretty nice, but most of the people there were raucous and drunk. JJ and I don't really deal well with raucous and drunk. We like low-key, debates about politics, quotes from literature kind of drunk. We're not really huge fans of screaming drunkards. Especially when you consider the fact that last weekend one of our fellow party-goers was so drunk that he felt it would be a good idea to walk across the fire and fell out of the fire pit. All I can say is that I'm glad his injuries were minimal and that he fell out of the fire pit rather than into it. Still, it makes a clear case for the addition of chlorine to his gene pool.

Today, I didn't even want to get out of bed. The last two weekends, however, JJ has skipped his Catia class, and I have irresponsibly let him. So, today I felt that it was utterly necessary to make him attend. Besides, I get quite a bit done myself while I'm with him in the classroom. I return e-mails, surf Facebook, blog, and then do homework. Today, I had the opportunity to surf ThinkGeek, where I saw a really awesome spork that I want desperately. (Save the comments about me being a nerd. I know I am, so shush.)

I find myself really looking forward to tonight though. It's going to be my pre-birthday family birthday dinner. I have requested a special menu of bruschetta, steak, Brussels sprouts, baked potatoes, and oatmeal scotchies. The oatmeal scotchies are a clever alternative to cake because I'm caked out. That and they sounded really really good.

Tomorrow, my actual birthday, won't be quite as nice. In fact, it's going to be pretty unpleasant. I have work at 7:30 AM, which will be interrupted by a lovely visit to the oral surgeon. Hopefully, we can put off the wisdom tooth extraction until Thanksgiving break. At any rate, I'm still not looking forward to spending that much money only to result in pain and swelling. Then, after I come back to work for another 6ish hours, I have an exam in Literature.

My birthday is going to be sucky. At any rate, I'm hoping for a slightly better outcome to the unpleasantries (Yes, I made that word up. Focus, will you?!) because I'm going to play up the birthday thing. "Aww, really? You know it's my birthday, right?"

At any rate, I'm off to do some actual work. Statistics waits for no one.

One Down!

Alright, one test down, two to go.

Actually, I am surprised to say that last night's stats exam wasn't that bad. I guess doing all the homework online is turning out to be in my favor, even though it sucks out loud to do it. I was really worried about it because I felt like I didn't understand how to logic the problems out. Yet, when the test was set before me, I knew exactly how to solve the things that I was so unsure of. I remembered seeing problems that we had gone over in class, problems that I had worked out online, and problems that I had in my notes.

Luckily, my sainted instructor also lets us use our books and our notes on the test. So, the few things that I wasn't totally sure of I was able to look up relatively easy. Hurray for good study habits!

This weekend, I'll be working on the take-home portion of my stats test, the take-home portion of my chemistry exam, and making a note sheet for my literature exam. Great.

I don't really have much else to update about right now. This is pretty much all that I'm concerned with.

Busy Busy Busy!

This week's activities:
-test tomorrow in Statistics (MTH 213)
-test Monday in Literature (ENG 200)
-test Tuesday in Inorganic/Organic Chemistry (CHM 115)
-consultation with the oral surgeon on Monday

Yikes. I'm too busy! Someone save me from college!

Seriously though, the only thing I'm really really not looking forward to will be the trip to the oral surgeon. Not just because it's going to be horrifying and I hate dental work in general, but also because it's going to cost copious amounts of money. Yuck.

In general, however, life is going fairly well. The husband is somewhat moody today. I'm going to chalk it up to today being his time of the month and attempt to be forgiving.

The Halloween Alternative is going fairly well for student government so far. We've got some good planning going, and we have our budget set. JJ and I will be helping Nicole make the food, and Brad has the haunted house portion all to himself which thrills him. So far, the division of labor has been really great. I don't feel too stressed, which is a bit unusual for me where student government is involved.

I don't have much time now because I have to study for this math exam. I'll write more later, when the exam is in the past!

After The Weekend

JJ and I spent a much-needed weekend recuperating after a truly hellish week. JJ even decided to skip class on Sunday so that we could rest up. Much to my chagrin, we both accomplished very little in the way of homework. We did, however, spend plenty of time watching television and cuddling in bed. This was very necessary, even if it sounds like it wasn't.

On Saturday, we had a birthday party to attend. One of our friends, Amanda, had turned 21--making us feel terribly old, of course--so we had a little thing for her. There was alcohol and a bonfire, friends and music. A good time was had by all, even Amie's drunk brother who fell when he tried to walk across the fire pit--a moment that made everyone gasp in horror. He was fine.

Apart from that, we did very little this weekend. Things have been so stressful for the both of us lately that it's become difficult to even function. I'm behind in schoolwork, student government work, actual work. There is so little that I am not behind in that it makes me sick. I mean, I realize that there are only so many hours in the day, but I'm tired of all of my wakeful ones being dedicated to playing some form of catch-up or another. Even during our "rest" weekend, we caught up on room-cleaning and paper-sorting. I still feel like we accomplished very little.

On a positive note, one my friends had her baby! How exciting to welcome a new little one to the world! Congratulations, Dawn!

I apologize for the brevity of this post. I have literature homework to do before class tonight.

Past Wishes

All the blogging that I have done recently has reminded me of why, when I was a child, I wanted to be a writer. There is nothing more satisfying than seeing the fruits of your labors, paragraphs and sentences, upon a printed page. Or, in my case, a web page. It's gratifying, feeling like you've actually accomplished something.

The only problem is that I am not a writer. I am not suited to be a writer. I'm not cohesive, and my ideas don't flow well. I have a hard time staying on topic, and my writing is full of digression. You know how you feel when you're a little kid and you draw a picture, then every one tells you that your picture is great and your mom hangs it on the fridge, but then you see it next to another picture and you realize that it really isn't that great and people were just lying to you to make you feel good about yourself? That's like me and writing.

I can tell that this day is going to be full of crap already. Work has been hectic already, I'm in a foul mood because I had to leave my bed, and the coffee place on campus only had French soda and not Italian soda. (Italian soda is light and crisp and made with sparkling water or something of the sort and a flavored syrup. French soda is a watery, milky concoction that resembles what would happen if you put water in your milkshake. It is also not carbonated, so it's not really a soda at all.)

I just hope that my lab experiment goes well. I cannot handle another botched Chemistry experiment. I love chemistry, but the hardest part for me is the lab because I'm always so nervous that I'm not doing it right. At least my lab partner is nice. Lubna has probably never said a mean word to anyone in her life. She's petite and intelligent and quiet. I like her very much.

At any rate, I'll write more later.

On Sleeping Well

After yesterday's botched attempt (read: EpicFail) at becoming more technology friendly, I had a bit of an ego bruising. In fact, I have resolved to brush it off and accept that I will never be--nor do I ever plan to take lessons to formally become--tech friendly. Paper appeals to me more than computer screen, pen more than mouse or keyboard. The turning of a page will always be more gratifying to me than the soft click of a Kindle's buttons.

Last night, I had literature class. I read all four stories and, happily, I felt like I understood many of the themes presented therein. Kafka and Borges are hard to read. One of the stories, "The Theologians," I found very dense and difficult. I felt like I was missing too many subtleties because I wasn't understanding the references in the story to other works. Then, come to find out in class, Borges liked to make up works so that he could reference them, summarize them briefly, and play off their "themes" to make some kind of point. I wasn't missing anything at all, I was just getting hung up on my feelings of inferiority.

Still, when we discussed the stories in class, I felt like I was really extrapolating a lot from the stories that no one else mentioned. In "The Secret Miracle," it opens up talking about a game of chess. I focused a lot on that. Chess is a game of strategy. The character we focus on seems to be a pawn in the Germans' strategy for Prague. In fact, we are told that he is to be killed to set an example for others. The chess thing seemed so important to me, but no one else even mentioned it. Even the instructors didn't bring it up. Now I feel, more than ever, like I'm grasping at straws.

Perhaps I spend too much time and energy focusing on the minutiae to really see the larger pictures. And people think I should be an English major! HA!

Thus was how I returned home last night. Disappointed in myself. Irritated. Feeling like I was really blind to the bigger picture. I was, thankfully, saved by the arrival of our new bed. It had come during the day and was set up by the men who delivered it. All we had to do was toss on a sheet and go! Our lives were made even easier by the fact that, before arriving home, we stopped and got McDonald's. Not healthy, I know, but we needed something fast and easy. At 9 PM in the Swanton/Delta area, it's McDonald's or Wendy's, and we are sick of Wendy's. There was also Subway, but we eat far too much of that at school to ever want it outside of the Owens Community College campus.

I have to say that the bed was quite comfortable. It's probably the best money I've ever spent. Granted, it takes up over 1/4 of our room, but the loss in space was worth the gain in comfort. I have never sat still for so long in all of my life. I had a very restful sleep, which is a brand new experience again considering that we had our old bed for so long. This bed is quiet and firm but soft--something like a marshmallow. It's squishy to a point, but not unnaturally squishy. Our old bed was creaky, saggy, and got kind of lumpy towards the end there. It was a good mattress while it lasted. We had some good times, but this upgrade was amazing. I've never before bought anything so thoroughly worth every penny. And when you stop to consider that the total cost of this purchase adds up to 141212 pennies, that's a lot of value.

My husband tells me that I spent the entirety of last night snoring my face off. I hope he's right. I got some quality sleep! I haven't slept so well in quite some time, especially not since we'd gotten rid of our box spring on the old mattress and opted to just sleep on the floor. Sleeping is a luxury, the enjoyment of which I have not been afforded in quite some time. I was really grateful last night and really reluctant to get up this morning.

If only I were back in that bed of mine right now...

Forget it!

Yeah...about this bright idea of mine to use Webmaster Tools...I think we can go ahead and scrap that one.

This is waaaay too complicated for me to master. Let's just go ahead and chalk this up to a learning experience. -1 points for me due to lacking ambition.

Efforts Towards Technology

In an effort to be more technologically savvy, I have done some things to try and boost my techy knowledge. For one thing, I added Webmaster Tools to this blog, so I can monitor traffic--more or less just because I think it would be fun, not because it's of any real use to anyone. The whole Webmaster Tools site isn't very user friendly though. I can't figure out if it's more due to my personal incompetence about anything concerning more than the simplest of layouts or whether it's because the site reads like stereo instructions. I am contemplating abandoning this ridiculous notion completely. Thoughts? Live in total ignorance of all things HTML or learn something that I'll never use beyond this silly blog that probably no one reads anyways?

FINALLY! A New Bed!

My husband and I have finally been able to go and purchase a new bed! Yes, that's right, my sleepless nights are soon to be over! Woo Hoo!

If you know my husband and I, you know that we are not tiny people by any stretch of the imagination. Pre-new-bed (or B.B.), we had a full size bed. Each night has been a constant battle between us to be the one who wakes up without an appendage or ass hanging off the side of the bed. Alas, I am typically the loser of this battle. Plus, our box spring basically broke into barely-hanging-together pieces. Also not a good thing. I am hoping all of this will change post-new-bed (or A.B.).

The bed that we purchased is a king size Durango, which is a firm mattress with pocketed coils (read: heaven!), from Denver Mattress. We did some comparison shopping to find the best price, and I am shocked to announce that the winner was actually Denver Mattress. (It almost seems counter-intuitive, you know?) We ended up getting a great deal. It helped that the mattress was on sale for $100 off the sticker price. Not to mention that, out of nothing but sheer shock that we actually returned as promised, the saleswoman applied a bunch of coupons for money off the frame and the delivery.

For the meager price of $1,145, we got all of the following:

• a king size Durango mattress--with pocket coil system so we don't have to piss each other off
• the equivalent of a box spring--for mattresses of this magnitude, Denver Mattress provides a steel box, essentially, which they call a "foundation"
  
• an Iso-cool mattress pad--which has a special wax in it to keep the temperature cooler
• 2 King size firm pillows
• a preservation and cleaning kit
• a frame to place the mattress and foundation upon
• home delivery and set-up--yes, that's right, they'll come in and set it up for us

This was exactly the mattress we wanted for less than we expected to spend. I realize that right now I seem like Denver Mattress's bitch, but for what we paid, I'll give them some free advertising on my blog. Seriously, we got a GREAT deal. The product is truly quality. I feel really good about this purchase. I hate the fact that I have to wait until Monday night to sleep on it.

The other thing that I really noticed was that the staff didn't pressure us to make our decision. She asked us pertinent questions. She gave us really good advice about what kind of products we might like. There was no high-pressure sales technique. When we told her that we were just looking and wanted to shop around, she was very nice about it and gave us her card. She helped us find what we wanted. When we came back, we got to work with the same person--the other sales guy specifically got her for us when we said she had helped us last time. She was polite and courteous; we never once felt uncomfortable. I have to give them credit. She knew the answer to every question that we asked, she knew exactly where to guide us.

In other news, my wisdom tooth swelling has gone down. The antibiotics seem to be doing their work. The downside is what they do to my tummy. I don't know if you, reader, are experienced with serious antibiotics. They are awful. They do horrible things to your body because they destroy the body's normal microbiota too. The warnings on this medication are both ominous and horrifying. For example:

BEFORE USING THIS MEDICATION: WARNING: This medicine should be used only for serious infections because infrequently there are severe, rarely fatal, intestinal problems (pseudomembranous colitis) that can occur.

Nice. If that doesn't scare the bejeezus out of you, it should. Here's why. And I'm taking Clindamycin, which is one of the antibiotics that can pseudomembranous colitis. Awesome.

Am I a little displeased by this? The answer is yes. There a whole lot I can do about it? The answer is no. I'll just have to tough it out and be careful. Like really really careful. Yikes.

A Dental Update

I had my dentist's appointment yesterday. It went startlingly quickly! I had assumed that I would have to wait a long time and that I wouldn't get back to school in time for IO Chem. This was not the case at all!

My appointment was set for 12:15 PM, apparently. I got to the office in Maumee at about 11:45 AM. I apologized for being super early, filled out the requisite paperwork, and requested to use the restroom. I brushed my teeth in the bathroom. When I came out, the hygienist was already waiting for me. She greeted me cordially, and she took me back to the little room with the chair.

She had seated me, at which point I took it upon myself to announce, "I'm gonna be real honest with you here, I don't do the whole dentist thing real well."

Unknown to me, the dentist had actually walked in right as I said that! He laughed and informed me that I would be fine. Then he proceeded to ask me a series of questions. How long has this pain been going on? On what side is the pain? etc, etc.

I told him that I was pretty sure that I had an infection because it had been pressure before, pain only recently. That and it was fairly swollen. He didn't even put on a glove, just looked into my mouth with the little mirror. Then, after two whole seconds--if even that--he said, "Ah, yeah, I'm inclined to agree with you. That's certainly an infection."

So they didn't really do much of anything at this appointment. They gave me a prescription for an antibiotic, they took some x-rays, and they gave me a referral to an oral surgeon. Dr. Biniker told me that he recommends that I have the four wisdom teeth removed all at once and that I be put under anesthesia for the procedure. With this, I agree whole-heartedly. In fact, I'd rather be under than awake. I don't handle dental procedures well. It would be easier mentally for me to just be sleeping.

I called the office of the oral surgeon today to schedule my consultation. They were very nice. Unfortunately, the first available appointment date is, of course, my birthday. So, on my birthday, when I should be celebrating, I'll be at an oral surgeon's office, dreading my future. Apparently, my appointment is with Dr. McCabe, whose biography on the practice's website boasts an impressive 20 years in dentistry. Hopefully, he will be VERY understanding.

I have to admit, the notion of oral surgery coupled with all the things that could go horribly wrong scares the crap out of me. Really. No good. I'm hoping the doctor will be the wonderful man I'm sure he can be and prescribe me copious amounts of Valium...or Xanax. Xanax would be cool too.

Irrational Fears

So, today is the day of my dental appointment. Hopefully, they will give me some antibiotics and we can make some choices about the future of my dental health from there. All I know is that I want this pain to be done now. It's been a little over half a week and I'm already done with it.

I must admit, however, I have a somewhat irrational fear of the dentist here. The first most important notion is that I'm leaving work to go to the dentist. My appointment is at 12:15 PM, and I have a class that starts at 2:00 PM. I'm a little worried that I'll be late or miss my class entirely. Considering that it's going to be Inorganic and Organic Chemistry that I'll miss, I'm somewhat nonplussed about this idea.

Secondly, I'm worried based on an experience that I had with a dentist back in Indiana. Typically, I had one particular hygienist because she was very good and very kind. The one fucking time that I ever got someone else, she tried to scrape the enamel off of my teeth. I have pocked enamel as a result of not getting enough calcium in the womb. From what I understand, this is fairly common for twins. Apparently, this hygienist was too stupid to know what pocks in enamel are and that you can't fucking scrape them off. To make a long story short, one my front teeth--of course the front, where could they be more visible, after all?--still has a series of scrapes across its surface that are clearly visible. I don't want to have a replay of this ridiculous event.

However, I am going to take a step in the right direction from the first moment. I'll begin by apologizing for myself in advance. I'll say, "I'm normally a very pleasant person, but gross amounts of pain do ugly things to me. Needless to say, I am not a very pleasant person today." Then I'll tell them about my scraping problem and how it has scared me off of dentistry in a fundamental way, and I'm hoping that they'll help to change my mind.

There's something almost evil about the field of dentistry. For example, you need to have sensitive hygienist and a sensitive dentist in order to have a positive experience, especially if you are like me and scared to death of pain and what they can do to you. (Every time I hear the drill, my body tenses up, and I start to panic just a little bit.) However, the problem here is that the kind of dentists that people like my husband and I can afford are the kind that don't really care about your needs because they're awfully bitter that they can't make the kind of money they'd love to be making. Nobody gets into dentistry because they love teeth and people, finding that dentistry is a perfect marriage of the two. No. They get into dentistry because they're pretty sure that they can make exorbitant amounts of money in the field.

I am absolutely certain that I'm saying all of this out of bitterness for the fact that I'm poor and dental work is expensive. However, as far as my experience goes, the dentists and hygienists that were most sensitive to my needs and willing to work with me were the ones at the expensive dental offices--the kind that make a crown a thousand dollar affair. Of course, these are the dental offices that I certainly can't afford to pay for now.

All I know is that this is going to end expensively and possibly painfully. I am not happy. And, as the hour approaches, I get more and more nervous. What if I miss my class? What if I have to stay like all day for extensive work? What if they tell me that I'll need tons more work than this and I'll have to come back repeatedly? What if it hurts and they won't do anything to remedy that? What if they won't let me have my MP3 player on? There's a sea of negative thought going on in my head right now, none of which is helping.

Let's hope I don't freak out big time. I'll update later about how it went, but I don't have very high hopes.

Another Pain Update

I'm still in pain from this whole tooth thing. I have to say, on a scale of 1 to 10, I'd rate it at about a 6. Too annoying to ignore. Not life threatening or so bad that I'm going to freak out and scream, but painful enough to warrant tears after a long day of trying to cope with it. Painful enough that I don't want to talk--which is a big indicator that I'm in real pain.

Of course, going so far as to say it's a 6 makes me feel melodramatic. I mean, I'm sure there's worse pain than this in the world. I'm sure, in fact, that I'm not the first nor the last person to ever have to face the horrors of a wisdom tooth. I mean, I'm not letting it stop my life. I'm still going to work, still going to class. It just makes the entire experience a true horror.

I mean, I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm a pleasant person, but I'm usually at least cordial. This pain just makes me want to grimace at people and say nothing. It hurts to laugh. It hurts to swallow. It hurts to sit still. All I feel is the swollen throbbing.

The worst part is know that I have to take care of this at some point. I'll have to get them removed or get antibiotics or something, but I haven't got the money to spare for it right now. In the midst of all of this is our family's financial crisis. I have to support our family of five with only my husband's and my income--which is rather pathetic, to say the very least. (To put it in fiscal perspective, he and I each only make $7.30 an hour, and because we are student workers we are not permitted to work over 35 hours per week. Generally, barring shift coverage, I have a 31 hour week, and JJ has a 30 hour week. You do the math. Don't forget the taxes we pay, either.) This doesn't even take into account how expensive my mother's medications are. We do get some minor help from the state in the form of food stamps, but they don't give us the kind of real help that we need. And, at the end of the month, it is ridiculously apparent how little we truly have.

We need to downsize, but we can't. We need more money, but we don't have it. Most of all, we need jobs. My mother couldn't get a job if she wanted to because of all the medications she's on and what they do to her body. My little brother has been looking, but I'm not sure that he's really looking in earnest. My father is looking and has been for the last few months. The problem is that IT is a fickle field, and young students are willing to do my dad's work for half the pay with less than half the experience, which employers seem to find acceptable.

It's more than just me being cheap. It's me being afraid of losing everything because I didn't work hard enough to save it for my family by keeping the bills paid, and my dental bills would ruin all my hard-fought efforts for at least a month, if not two. This would be much too great a set-back. (On some level, I realize that it's not all my fault or my responsibility, but I'm doing everything I can because no one else is even trying.)

I don't really know what's going to give first, my purse or my tooth, by I'm not really all that anxious to find out. At any rate, I have found out that I have a dentist appointment on Thursday at 12:00 PM. I'm not looking forward to the bills, but I really truly need the relief. I can't really stand this much longer.

On a completely unrelated note, I hate using bent paperclips. In fact, I hate bent paperclips in general.

A Pain Update

Still having tooth pain.

Also, shoving bags of tea betwixt your cheek and tooth make you look like a fool at work, no matter how well it actually works.

They also make it difficult to speak on the phone.

Just, you know, for the record.

All You'll Read Here is the Estrogen--It's That Obvious

I've had a fairly decent weekend so far. My twin brother, John, is in town this weekend for my mother's birthday. Things got a little tense on Saturday, but we passed right on through that. Mostly it's because 3/5ths of the people in this house right now are sick, which makes for frazzled nerves and bad attitudes.

It's been nice to have my brother here. I don't know if it would work for him to live here again--his personality is too big for this house sometimes--but I like it when he's around. It's nice to have one of my brothers talk about his ambitions and dreams because he actually has some. I'm proud of his accomplishments, even if they are in a field that I cannot even begin to think about fathoming. (Grad level math--horrifying, but interesting.)

Meanwhile, I have a tooth infection. And, to make matters even more complicated, it's one of my impacted wisdom teeth. As it turns out, they may have to come out faster than I thought that they would. It would be a big relief pressure wise to get rid of them--they push on the rest of my teeth, and some nights my mouth just aches. However, it's going to be awful on us financially. Plus, I had really hoped to be able to get them out during a break between semesters, so that I could have some recovery time. I guess life doesn't wait for me to make plans. You'd think this would be clear to me by now, but I keep stubbornly hoping that things like this are isolated incidences and that life will work for Jessica in the end. How delusional, indeed!

My dad, at least, has made an effort to help me today with this tooth pain. He brought me six ibuprofen, two acetaminophen, and a tea bag with some warm water on it. Then he tells me that I have to cram the tea bag in between my swollen gums and my cheek. My face was already swollen too. I can only imagine how comical I must have looked with my cheek all puffed out even worse. The worst part of the tea remedy, however, was the concentrated bitterness of the tea. Tea itself is slightly bitter. Tea without the luxury of water is horribly, almost unbearably bitter. I kept salivating and having to spit it out because it was too bitter to swallow--I made that mistake once and gagged.

Say what you will about home remedies, but the swelling has already gone down. The pain has lessened as well. If I hadn't tried it myself, I may not have believed it. I'll give my dad credit; the man does know what he's doing.

My husband is sleeping peacefully next to me. It almost makes me want to wake him up. I've been awake since 7 AM because, when I woke up to go to the bathroom, the pain in my mouth was a little too distracting for me to go back to sleep. I'm glad he's getting some sleep, but I'm jealous. I wish I could sleep the way that he does. He seems to be able to sleep through anything, anywhere, at any time. I have to be comfortable, I have to have a blanket, I have to have total darkness, etc, etc. Why is it so hard for me to sleep and so effortless for my husband? This is not fair.

I can't help but feel a little melancholy today. Maybe it's being sick and the tooth pain, but I feel the need to ruminate. I look at other people's baby pictures and I think, "When is my life going to start?" But it already has. My life has long been underway, and I feel like there's so much that I'm missing out on. I want JJ and I to wait for kids, but I really feel like I want them now. I look at other people's kids, especially Ciarra, Amie's daughter, and I feel this little tug inside. I want that for myself, for us, but I want my kids to have the good things they deserve. I want them to have the luxury of parents that can do things for them. I want them to have the luxury of parents who chose a good time to have them so that they could enjoy them to the maximum.

I don't want to wait until I'm 40 and it's too late. I don't want to keep putting off babies and saying, "It's not the right time" until the time has passed me by! I know I'm only 23, but 24 is less than a month away. It's not like rocketing into my 30's, but it's a reminder that time is passing. The more time that passes, the older I'm getting. I don't want to be the oldest mommy at the preschool. I don't want to miss out on something wonderful.

And what if I can't even have a baby? What if it's already too late? Then I spend the next 20 years in fostering/adoption hell until I can finally give a child the kind of life that they need and I need to be able to provide. And, of course, by that time, I'm too jaded and old to appreciate it.

I realize that all of this is me FREAKING OUT. I don't know, this is just what I've been thinking of lately. My uterus is screaming at me--especially right now. (It's that time of the month, HORMONE CITY! So, if you're wondering why I've gone temporarily insane, look no further for the reasoning.) Every time I hit my menstrual cycle, a tiny part of my brain goes, "Missed opportunity..."

Seriously, ignore all of this. In a week, when my hormones have regulated themselves back down to a cope-able level, I'll be so over this thought process. Right now, it's just not working for me. I'm estrogen steeped, and it's tainting the way I'm seeing the mommy thing with total jealousy. Green doesn't look good on me.

I Knew This Was Going To Happen

I'm sick. My husband has lovingly shared his plague with me. So here I sit, at my student worker desk, literally surrounded by tissues, cough drops, cough medicine, and Earl Grey tea (the packets with the bags in them alongside my travel mug of the actual tea.)

In keeping with my ever-more-positive theme (See? And you thought I wouldn't try to change! For shame!), I'm going to point out the things I'm grateful for here:

-the hand sanitizer flows liberally, so I don't have to feel guilty about coming in while sick (I need the money desperately!)
-a tutor was kind enough to bring in a box of anti-viral Kleenex today--superbly well-timed!
-I had the money to buy cough/sore throat medicine last night
-I had the presence of mind to grab a box of tea this morning
-I have the easy job this morning and I get to sit on my butt and surf the web--Julie Powell's blog for the win! (In between diligently logging students in and out...)

The only things that could make my day better would be a large bowl of my father's chicken soup and the ability to have stayed in bed. Well, and the obvious not being sick, but it's a little too late for that one.

What I'm really dreading is facing this mental fog all day in class. And, of course, I have to get sick the day that I'm having a test in IO Chem and a test in Stats. Chemistry shouldn't be all that bad for me. We're doing Inorganics right now, which comes easily to me thanks to taking a chemistry class prior to this one. And, as God seems to be smiling on me today, I'm lucky because Stats will be an open book exam. (God love George Hudak. Seriously. The man is wonderful.)

Wish me luck! I may need it...

A Sticky Situation and a Moral Dilemma

So, in typical Jessica fashion, I seem to have gotten myself into a bit of a pickle. You see, I have been encouraging my mother-in-law to pursue a continuing education. She has expressed a discontentment with her life and her work, and I suggested that the best way to handle these feelings may be to go back to school. She has truly been thinking about it, to her credit.

Now, here's where it gets a little rocky. The program that she wants to join isn't available at the local branch of Ivy Tech, and she declared long ago that she doesn't want to be a "nurse like you, Jess, or anyone's secretary." (Both of these are my careers, one future, one present. Yet again, the Freudian message that I'm not good enough for her son...but I digress.) She settled on the notion of hotel management as a sort of spur of the moment decision. She hasn't gone to a college and done any career aptitude testing or anything, she just looked online at the catalog with me and said, "Well, that sounds good!" To the best of my knowledge, she hasn't even met with an adviser.

Now she's decided that, since she can't do her degree program at Ivy Tech, she's going to "go" for the University of Phoenix online. Here's where you lose me. To me, if I'm a hiring manager, the choice between a school that you actually committed to physically going to every single day versus an online class that, let's face it, anyone else could be doing for you is an easy choice. I'd always choose the actual school.

I know people feel that the University of Phoenix online is a good school and a good option for some. I just don't know if it will be the best choice for her. She's been out of school for a long time, and she needs a little bit of guidance when she's being told how to do things. Not to mention her own fear. She's so freaked out that she's going to fail. I'm afraid that her enrolling in on-line classes will let that become a self-fulfilling prophecy for her, and then she'll never consider taking another class for anything ever again.

I don't want this to ruin school for her, but I'm afraid that it will. I want her to have a better life and to be successful and happy--even if my reasons are of the selfish variety.

She's asked me to provide her with a financial aid reference. I don't want to say no, but I don't think that JJ and I can face the repercussions of what it means if she does happen to default on her loans. Granted, she will be eligible for many many many many grants, but that doesn't mean that we can afford to help her if she does decide to take out loans. Moreover, what if something happens to her before she completes her school or pays them off? That falls on us. And we'll have our own debt to take care of. I'm not even totally sure how we're going to swing beginning payments on JJ's loans after he graduates this spring.

I'd be more inclined to help her if she was attending a college that could provide her with the kind of help that returning college students usually need. If she were going to Owens, I'd be 100% sure about helping her. Owens has so many grants and programs to keep people from flunking out and falling through the cracks--AQIP, Supplemental Instruction, the Learning Centers, Student Success Mentors, etc, etc. I guess I never really had any kind of inkling how lucky I am to have chosen such a good school. We really do have a lot of help at our fingertips, and, even though I don't always make use of it, it's reassuring to know that it's there.

I truly can't imagine how she must be feeling. I feel awful because all I seem to do is tell her that her ideas are wrong. Go back to school, but don't go to this school. Go back to school, but don't count on me for help if you're not making the kind of decisions that I like. Go back to school and I'll help you, but I live two hundred plus miles away. It's no wonder to me that she feels so completely discouraged. I keep thinking, "If she just lived around here..." or "If only there was a school there that was comparable to Owens..."

I'm just not sure how to handle her anymore. I almost immediately get angry with her whenever I speak to her online or on Facebook. She irritates me so much because she never takes any of the good advice that JJ or I have to offer her. She asks us for help, but then she doesn't take any of it. I want to be patient and understanding, but my nerves begin to sing when I talk to her about this subject. I want her to succeed, but not at the expense of my sanity. When I'm face to face with her, she listens to me and it's easy to talk to her. When we go back home, she's nuts again, and I have no idea why.

I really do love JJ's family. Lord knows the accepted me with open arms knowing little to nothing about me, and I'm grateful for that. I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to help with this situation. I have nine hundred other things on my mind right now. I don't need to worry about her too. It would be easier if I lived in town with her, could take her to an adviser and help her ask and answer those questions she needs to figure out. Unfortunately, from here I can't do much of anything, and I'm afraid that if something goes wrong I'm going to be unable to keep from telling her the almighty I-Told-You-So.

Why is trying to be a decent human being such a fucking battle? I try to make good choices and be kind, but it doesn't always work. Can someone please reassure me here? Do I suck as a human being?

The Julie/Julia Effect

Saturday afternoon, my wonderful husband took me to see a movie that I'd been very excited to see: Julie & Julia. I really loved it, although it made me want to cook like you wouldn't believe (which is probably a bad sign considering how unsuccessful my kitchen endeavors typically are). I had hoped to read the book before seeing the movie, but there simply hasn't been enough time for me to read much of anything lately. I love all the classes I'm taking--with the exception of statistics--but I have to work really hard to keep up with the reading.

I did leave the movie thinking about things pretty heavily. I feel like I need something like that, something that could give me meaning that I could really enjoy. I don't think it could ever be cooking for me--hell, my husband will tell any stranger who stands still long enough that I'm a terrible cook. But I need to do something that I can use to wash the stress away. Who knows, maybe it could be cooking. I could learn.

I just need to feel like I have something to keep me from unraveling. I need to feel like I have something that I can turn to when things get difficult--or even when they don't--so that I can feel okay. I'd like to have something that's important to me, even if it isn't important to anyone else.

More on this later as I get ideas. I'm sure, to begin with, most of them will be idiotic.

Sunday, my husband's aunt, uncle, and cousin came into town and we took them and the cousin's three kids to the Toledo zoo. We all had a pretty nice time there. The new kids area is really cool. After that, they wanted to go to a Fossil park that they had heard of on the web. I had never heard of it, but it was in Sylvania, which isn't too far from home. Digging for fossils really isn't my style; it's dusty and kind of muddy, but the kids really enjoyed having an excuse to get dirty.

My husband, JJ, and I got home tired and sunburned. My sunburn, however, was pretty mild this time--just a little extra color on the cheeks. We had a quick dinner with the family and we retired upstairs, both taking showers and then just relaxing in our room for the night. I'm glad we had Monday off because I don't think I'd have been much good for anything.

Today, however, has already started off hectic. JJ stayed home because he had a fever of 100.4 degrees Fahrenheit as of this morning. I got to work to find my computer not working properly, only to be barraged with printer problem questions a few minutes later. The best part is that, as of this very moment, I've only been here for an hour and a half. I've been on the phone with IT three times already this morning.

It's a good thing that I stopped for some pumpkin spice coffee on the way in, otherwise I'd be totally useless and frazzled. I'm really trying hard to embrace the idea of serenity in my life. I'm trying much harder not to let stupid things get to me because I feel like I spend the majority of my time annoyed, frustrated, and upset. I need to be more forgiving, which is really hard for me. I come from a family where no one lets anything go. As a result, I have become the kind of person who holds grudges and has a hard time maintaining friendships in the face of adversity.

I've never learned how to forgive. I don't know what it is to be in a relationship where forgiveness is a normal thing, as it should be. I can forgive my husband, but we have really had to struggle to find that place together. Forgiveness doesn't come easily to me, but I want it to. I feel like many of my friendships would have lasted much longer if I could simply let things go. I've gotten somewhat better at it, but I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be.

On a somewhat related note, I have two friends who are in a very lucky and fortunate position. These are friends that I wish I had been able to keep in my immediate circle. I miss exchanging phone calls with weekly reports and visiting when we're in town. I don't know if you guys read this, but I don't want to have regrets later on. If there's a way to fix this, let's do it before it gets worse. Congratulations on your recent blessings. I'm very happy for you.

At this point, I'm just hoping the remainder of my day will go well. I'm facing an IO chem lecture, an awful student government meeting--to which I am truly not looking forward--and a quiz in stats. It's a good thing I am familiar with the Serenity Prayer...

A Student of Whom? Surely Not Me!

Student Government. What a debacle! What a joke!

Our president feels that he can tell everyone what to do, and, by his decree, we must surely just believe him. The other student representatives are frustrated. I am frustrated. I'm not included in any decisions, agendas, event planning sessions. I'm tired of being frustrated.

I have come to a point where I do not even want to be a part of student government at Owens. I'm tired of fighting with the acting president. I'm tired of being an elected official whose voice isn't heard. I'm truly thinking long and hard about resigning. There's one major reason that I have not gone ahead with it: the money. The Vice President gets a $750 scholarship for the academic year. This is money that I need.

I'm just so displeased with the current lack of actual leadership. He doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't take advice. There's going to be a revolt. Those student representatives aren't going to put up with his crap for long.

Here's an example of what I mean. These are the things that they've said about him:

"My God, he's dumber than a box of rocks!"
"We never get anything done!"
"It's a good thing we have Jessica here. It's clear that she's the brains of the operation."
"I'm tired of this 'share one good thing' crap!"

In reference to the last one, he makes us all go around the table at the meeting and "share something positive that happened to you this week." This is a prime example of the time-wasting that goes on at these meetings. We spent a half an hour of an hour-long meeting going through sugary sweet positives. We didn't even get halfway through the agenda before our hour was up. I had to go to class, so I didn't even get to be there for the important part of the meeting.

The last student government fought so hard to get us these scholarships. If we don't resolve this issue with our Treasurer and Secretary (long story short--they chose their class over our meeting. I'm okay with that, but you can't keep the scholarships for a job you're not doing, you know?) before these refunds go out, we're going to be in some serious trouble. Our student government is already on probation because our last president took the money and resigned in less than half a semester. If we don't figure this out--and soon--everyone will lose it. I don't want to be the student government that screws it up for everyone.

Yet, when I try to discuss this with the current president, I get nowhere. In fact, last night on the phone, he told me that I didn't "understand" what he was doing and that I should "just let me handle it." I dislike the implication that I am incompetent. I also dislike the implication that I can't possibly handle anything as well as the Almighty Chris, control freak extraordinaire. I do admit, however, that I didn't handle it well, and I hung up on him. I'm just really done with being treated like I'm the fool.

I have more too say, but I almost don't want this to get too long. It suffices to say that the family situation has not improved. Rather, I feel that this three day weekend will be less the blessing that I desired it to be and more the curse I know it will. My mother is...something else. Couple her with the stress of school, student government, and work, and we may find that I will have had an aneurysm.

Can I become a student of the new school punk and just live on destruction? Can't I just quit everything and thrive on anarchy?

Nope. It's too late for that. I've already shown myself what I'm capable of doing. It would be so much easier if I had no concept of potential and, thus, no understanding of what it would be like to disappoint myself.

Curse the Foul Rising of the Sun

I am not a morning person. Not by any horrible, sun-dappled stretch of the imagination. Yet, this morning I find myself even further displeased than usual--for potentially trivial reasons.

Here are some things that I found irritating this morning:
-My husband's unwillingness to eat breakfast this morning, even if it was for a good reason (he felt nauseous)
-My vehicle's inability to decide whether it should be blowing hot or cold air. (In the end, it simply did both, with some vents blowing warm and some blowing frigid.)
-The rearrangement of my desk when I got to work this morning. (SERIOUSLY--why does the computer need to be off to the side? I'm certain some selfish tool did this to facilitate easier homework doing, even though they could have turned the chair a mere 90 degrees to the right and accomplished the very same thing. BUT NO! Better to move the computer, I feel. Surely, this will help me whilst pissing off my coworkers, no?)
-Being called outside to talk (Okay, it wasn't that irritating, but I'm in a bitching mood this morning, and it was cold today!)
-Finding out that I have a stalker who now knows my name. (Seriously. If I wind up dead in a few weeks, check this guy's stomach contents and freezer first. Then his car.)
-Morons. I realize this is general, but morons always piss me off.

I'm trying to have a better mood. Truly, I am. It's just that this morning started so well and declined so very quickly! How terribly disappointing.

A Better Day

Yesterday, I discovered that very little cannot be fixed by a glass or two of wine shared with a sympathetic family member. Last night, when I got home I was pretty drained. I felt jaded and used, frustrated wouldn't even begin to cover it.

My husband was supportive on the way back home in the car, but once we got home he was no longer sympathetic. As I told the story of my day to my mother, father, and brother, he rolled his eyes and mouthed words that I'm certain he was sure I couldn't see. It made me feel even worse to see him do that, even though he'd just been so sensitive and obliging on the drive home. I was dismayed, and I believe my actions displayed my dismay quite vividly. When I saw him mocking me, I stopped discussing my day and paid my attention solely to the plate of food before me (grilled chicken, mashed potatoes, and freshly cut cucumber--quite delicious indeed! There are worse things to focus on, no doubt).

When my husband retired upstairs, my family was supportive. They asked me questions, to which I was somewhat monotone--due mostly to the fact that I was still trying rather hard to quell the tears that were rising in my eyes and at the back of my throat. It was nice to feel like someone did care about my day, though. After a trip to the bathroom, I resigned myself to the notion that I surely would not feel better unless I had a glass of wine. With the assurance that no one would hold it against me, I selected a bottle of Red Currant wine that my husband and I had purchased at Zehnder's in Frankenmuth, Michigan.

This particular wine is one of my favorite wines. I'm not, generally speaking, a big drinker. Now and again a friend persuades me to head to a bar with them where I may drink, but never really in excess. This wine, however, I am a big fan of. I'm certain that, were it readily available to me at a low cost, I would drink at least a glass of it every day. Even the very first sip made me feel better. Half a glass in, my day had slipped past me. I hadn't intended to drink more than a glass, but my father had mentioned that he, too, would indulge if I happened to be getting another. So I decided to go ahead. The simple act of sharing a bottle of wine with my father was very comforting.

Needless to say, today was a much better day. I had a good time in my history class. It's a class about the history of women in America, which appealed to me for many reasons. Our first unit happened to be regarding the Salem witch trials, a topic which pleases me greatly. (I have always been fascinated by witches. I have no idea why.) We discussed one case in which a woman was accused of having an extra "teat" (by that, of course, I mean nipple) which was thought to have been for the purpose of feeding fledgling demons. It is alleged that her third nipple disappeared within a mere three hours, which doubtlessly proved her a witch. Good to know, however, that demons only use the nipple for a short period and then it goes away. I certainly wouldn't want to live with a third nipple for longer than the time an impromptu feeding lasts.

Chaos Reigns Supreme

I've had a rather chaotic day (as I am most certain that my ever-so-clever title would surely dictate). There were so many things that went wrong. I should have figured that when I got up late it would be sure to get ugly, but I maintained hope for the day.

Here are some of the mishaps of the day, in no particular order: woke up late, got to work and the girl who was supposed to be here was late, got into a fight with my husband, had a major student government event that went fairly badly due to poor organization, reacted negatively to said event, couldn't focus in class, forgot to tell someone how to properly do a student worker task and had to stop them in the middle after some of it had already been done (I felt REALLY bad about that one), got sunburned, didn't have time to eat, fought tears the majority of the day.

I have no idea why I've been so utterly unbalanced emotionally lately, but I have a deep suspicion that it has something to do with the fact that I worked all summer. I really should have taken a much needed summer vacation, but I didn't. I took Microbiology and Immunology and I worked. I really needed to take some time off, but I ignored it, thinking that it would put me closer to graduation. On the contrary, I got even further from graduation because now I'll have to transfer to a different school. (Long story short, I can't get into my program of study quickly enough, so, instead of settling for an associates degree, I'm getting a bachelors at a better school. It's a nice step up, but it complicates my life, sadly.)

I feel like I should spend some time bitching about the student government event, but I also feel like there wouldn't be much of a point to it. As it stands, it wasn't done right. It was done so pitifully, utterly, half-witted and wrong that I'm not even certain there's any way to call it a successful event. The majority of my frustration stems from the fact that every time I say something about it, some fool deigns to tell me that it was a "learning experience." Of course, like in all things, I get brushed off for being a perfectionist or having my standards far too high. Yet, there are events that go off without a hitch all the time. Why can't we have one of those? Are my standards just too high for community college? Is that the problem?

I feel even more ridiculous for letting it get to me. I'm the student government vice president. It reflects badly on me and all the members of student government if our events are poor excuses for organization. It irks me that other people would call this a "learning experience" or say things like, "Well, this is just our first event! This is to be expected!" I don't think these things are to be expected. If people were doing their jobs or duties, we wouldn't have these problems. Maybe I'm partially to blame, I don't know. It just really upsets me to think that we could have done a better job, and we didn't simply because we're lazy.

I just wonder if being committed to student government is worth the effort for me. I've got a hectic life. I'm taking a full-time course load; I work 30 hours a week. That doesn't even take into account any study time that I might need. Student government is more time, work, and effort. I get no returns. I feel like I'm not listened to at all when I voice my opinions. So why do I bother? I'm not even sure that it's worth the stress. I've gone so far out of my comfort zone for all of this. I've been trying so hard to put myself out there and give this a chance. I spent some nights in the woods for this crap! (I hate nature. If you know me, you know that nights in a cabin in Nowheresville are so far outside the scope of my comfort zone that I couldn't even see it anymore by the time the weekend was over.) Most importantly, I'm not even sure that I really wanted to be involved in the first place. Rather, I feel that this is the result of my extreme and pathetic inability to say no.

All day, I've been asking myself the same question: Is a bullet-point on a resume worth all of this?

I'm not a quitter, but I can't help but consider the perks here. I'm so frustrated and emotional right now. I know that if I need to quit then I need to think about it long and hard and do it the right way. However, I would really just love to storm over to the acting president right now, quit in the loudest way possible, and throw something at his head. I know I can't, but--oh man!--do I want to!

I think that my major plan here is to just go home and get some sleep. I can kick myself about things beyond my control any other time.

An Introduction

I've been contemplating the validity of a personal blog for quite some time now. It seems that everyone I know has a blog! I was in the minority.

Here are some of the reasons I decided to give in:

-My twin brother has some great posts on his blog and it would be easier to keep up with him on Blogger
-LiveJournal is too juvenile, but I did enjoy the one that I had for a time
-Julie and Julia. Need I expostulate further?
-A recent article on Dumb Little Man extolling the virtues of speaking your mind on a regular basis in that cathartic blogger way

I cannot promise to be a regular poster--blogs have fallen by the wayside for me in the past. However, I do promise that, when I post, I'll try my best to be interesting. (Those of you who know me can call me a liar if you wish.)