As Aimee Mann Says...

Alright, so here we are again, dear old friends! It's been a while, I know. Forgive me! My life is hectic and chaotic. As the blog says, overworked and underpaid.

My car has been leaking oil furiously, which, of course, is going to cost copious amounts of money. I have to pay for my oral surgery still, however, and thus I will not be able to pay for both. So, do I keep the car and postpone the surgery, or do I keep the surgery date and postpone the car? To drive to classes and work or to be finished with the pressure in my mouth, that is the question. (I have always had the feeling that people who add the phrase "that is the question" to the end of a sentence feel that Hamlet had nothing on them. Yet, how many of us can claim to have had to fight our kingdoms away from our adultering uncle who killed our father? Not many, I'm willing to bet. Hamlet is still worse off than I am.)

This, of course, does not mention my academic strain. I skipped a class last night, despite my better judgment. I felt horrible and depressed about my car and the state of my finances. It was really better that I wasn't there. I wouldn't have been paying attention because I was sick, and then I'd have been paying even less attention because I'd be too preoccupied with paying for my life, which is the one thing that I can't seem to manage to do. It was a good thing that we went home too, because later that night I had a crying jag. In fact, that seems to be something that I've been doing a lot of lately.

I cry when something is sad. I cry when something is happy. I cry when something is triumphant. I cry when something is overwhelming. I cry when something is underwhelming. I am beginning to wonder if I have some kind of hormonal imbalance or something. Lord knows I'm not usually this emotional. In the past, I was irritated with myself if I didn't seem to cry enough at sad things. Now, I cry at things that aren't sad at all! I found myself fighting off tears watching movies about women's suffrage in history class! How ridiculous am I these days? I mean, really!

I keep thinking that JJ and I would be better off living on our own again, but then I wonder where we'd get the money to be able to do that. We're a burden on my parents who can't make enough to support themselves as it is. Normally, we'd be contributing to them, but we haven't been able to do that lately either with all the car issues. So what are we supposed to do? The sad part is that if we had been stupid and had kids early, we'd be basically taken care of, especially being back in school like this. It makes me sad that intelligent, hard-working people like my husband and I can't make it in this world, but ignorant, lazy welfare parents can do just fine.

I'm feeling jaded and sad today. It's like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, but it never goes away. Just when I shift the weight to a comfortable position, more of it gets heaped on top.