After a much needed hiatus from school and responsibility, I find myself much refreshed! I made it through finals week unscathed (though my final exam grade in chemistry could have been better...) and I am happy to report that I had another 4.0 semester. JJ and I spent some time in Indiana with his family. We have managed to actually see my twin brother for once as well! (Normally, he's in town and we're out of it. This time, he has stayed for an extended period, and we've been able to actually see him and spend time with him. It's been nice.) We definitely needed some time away from responsibility and school. It was nice to have a break.
We even had minimal drama over the holiday season. Though, it does make me laugh to know that one of JJ's aunts has declared her hatred for me. She didn't speak to me and spoke only ONE sentence to poor JJ at Christmas. Now, personally, I can understand how some people might not like me. I hold people to high standards and I expect them to live up to them. I have absolutely no problem telling people what I think, even if those thoughts might not be well received. I have no problem being "the bad guy." I can see how those things might not go over well with some people. However, those would all be things that a person would have to figure out about me after at least spending a little bit of time getting to know me.
JJ's aunt has never gotten to know me. She has never sat down with me and had an actual conversation. I doubt she would even know my last name if not for the fact that it is the same as my husband's. She knows absolutely nothing about me. She doesn't know when my birthday is, what kind of pie I like, my opinions on government, my favorite books. She doesn't know what brought JJ and I together, how long we've been together, why we decided to get married or how long we plan to live with my parents. The list of things that she doesn't know about myself and my husband could fill volumes. This is one of the reasons that I find it HILARIOUS that she doesn't like me. She doesn't even know me.
Moreover, JJ has been happier with me than he has ever been in his life. That alone should make her like me a little bit, even if she doesn't love me personally. She should at least have respect for the fact that I make her nephew happy, that he's been more motivated to do something with his life since he's been with me and around me. She isn't even happy for him that he's graduating college this semester--something that no one else in their family has ever done before. To me, it's a big deal. Above all else, he's still her blood. She can hate me all she wants to--even though we all know it's just because she's intimidated that I'm smarter and better than her and her children--but she does still owe my husband some respect. At the VERY least. Plus, if she's going to hold grudges against me for a simple request I made of her last Christmas--about which I consulted the rest of the family BEFORE opening my mouth--then she's just being petty. I was respectful and spoke to her one-on-one. If she doesn't like me, she could at least be adult enough to show me the same courtesy.
All I can say on this front is that I truly think it's funny. It delights me that she's wasting energy on hating me because, at the end of the day, she's still thinking about me, which means I win.
In other news, things are still a little bit tense at home. Incomes are tight, money is not coming in. My friend Kurt would refer to this as "standing under the economy, waiting for the trickle down--obviously, this will be quite some time." (I might Facebook that as my status tomorrow. I find it quietly brilliant.) Obviously, this creates tension and attitudes. JJ and I are actively seeking out an apartment now. Living here has become much too much of a strain on our relationship and our self-esteem. It's a little too complicated here, and our nerves are shot from years of anxiety attacks anyways. We kinda can't take it any more.
I'm feeling pretty good about starting school again, though. This will be my last semester at Owens as well as JJ's last semester. JJ graduates this semester and I transfer to Lourdes. I'm excited about moving upwards. My books--save one--are purchased and supplies are set to go. I'm ready for this semester to get started! I think JJ feels the same way. I think he's ready to get out into the real world. At any rate, I'm ready to be doing something with my brain again. I enjoy learning. I enjoy having something to put my mind to. It's nice to have something to focus on to keep the boredom at bay.
As for starting work, I'm incredulous. I feel like I was the go-to girl, but somehow I'm not anymore. I don't want to make a big deal about feeling this way, but I really don't like not being able to feel confident in my position and the people around me. More than that, I almost feel like there are things that everyone else knows that I don't. As though there's been some news broadcast--Jessica Platz, student worker, falls from grace! Find out the story tonight at 11!--and I was the only one who slept through it instead of watching. I just don't feel good about it right now. Not at all. My long term plan is to keep my head down and my mouth shut though, though both of those are things that I am not terribly good at. Apart from that, I guess we'll see how the semester plays out.
The good thing about this break is that I've had plenty of time to read to keep my mind focused on other things than how unsteady I feel about my position in the world. I read a really great Janet Fitch book that I would highly recommend to anyone called Paint it Black. Seriously, pick it up. She gets the despair just right in her writing. It's wonderful. It makes you feel.
As for right now, I'm going to get my school supplies and books together for tomorrow and spend the rest of the evening reading a book. Maybe the husband and I will watch a film. At any rate, it will be relaxing.
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