On Nights Like This...

My sleep schedule has been obliterated. I've pretty much abandoned any idea of sleeping like a normal person. I've also basically abandoned the idea of sleeping for more than just a few hours at a time. I recall when my days and nights were like this before. It's been at times in my life when I have been historically depressed.

For example, my teenage years were fraught with sleeplessness. I spent so many nights in front of my computer, blogging and chatting, listening to music and trying to fight my troubles away by attempting to write stories and poetry. I read. I half-assed my homework. I brooded over boys and my feelings, complicated as they were at the time. I did things at night because my mind just wouldn't shut off.

Later, in our apartment years, I did the same thing when I was taking time off of work. I joined a chat community. I watched anime. I wrote letters to inmates that I used to write to (Yeah, I'm weird. I know. But I always found those letters to be very rewarding). I baked. I cleaned. I went for walks. I did a million things because I got tired of trying to bullshit my way into sleep that wasn't coming.

My whole life's pattern has been that, in times of stress or depression, I don't sleep. Not nearly enough. I stay up. I fight the night. I fight my dreams and my worries. I fight my thoughts. I push myself to do something creative. I push myself to do something useful because of the burgeoning uselessness that threatens to envelop me. I have always been a sleep-fighter. Even as an ill little infant, my parents have told me that I never wanted to sleep for more than 20-40 minutes at a time. I spent most of my infancy crying and wakeful. Why should I be any different in my twenties?

So here we are again, dear old friend Insomnia.

I sit up at night. I chat with JJ or AW. I watch girl movies. I work. I search the Internet for random facts. I scour YouTube for music videos and amusing little skits. I keep fighting sleep. I keep fighting my dreams, my thoughts.

This will probably be the most reassuring constant in my life. This has been one of the only patterns that has ever held true in my life. It's strange, but it's the only thing that makes me feel normal. It's this time in the late night or early morning that really makes me feel like a part of myself. It's just me. There's never anyone else. Maybe it seems strange, but it makes me feel a little more in-tune with myself, with these feelings. It helps me understand them. Maybe, in that way, this insomnia, this vigil is a good thing. I like to think so.

Sunburn and Knife Fights

Today, I went ahead with my yard work plan. I now remember why it is that I haven't volunteered to do yard work in over six years. It was brutally hot outside. I'm fairly certain my face is pretty sunburned. I can honestly say that I completely understand why prison systems force prisoners to do outdoor labor. It truly is punishment. And, for practicality's sake, let me add that it does make sense to have them being productive with farm labor and whatnot.

But that's really neither here nor there.

While I was mowing, I borrowed my husband's Zune so I could listen to some tunes. He recently added all of my CDs to his Zune so that we won't have to only listen to his metal music in the car. I happened upon a song that I used to be like totally in love with back in the day: "Granite Street Knife Fight."

Of course, because I'm keeping with my nostalgic theme as of late, it set me on a YouTube spree when I got inside (post-shower, of course). I had to look up all the old bands the I used to love: Element 101, the Aquabats, Ace Troubleshooter, Something Corporate, and so many others. Needless to say, it has perpetuated my nostalgia trip. I can't believe that there was a time that I wasn't listening to this music! I still feel like a teenager when I listen to it, laying on my bed staring at the white ceiling while I'm surrounded by the pink walls of my bedroom.

It's so strange to think back on my teenage years. I had so many emotions all the time--not that that's really changed much. I wanted to be a brilliant writer, though the truth is that I can't write my way out of a paper bag. I wanted to find a lover and be a singer and live on my own and make a statement about my own independence. I wanted to be something. What the crap happened?!

I feel like I need to go read some depressing books and spend a lot of time sleeping and alone. Is it possible to regress to your teenage years?