On Nights Like This...

My sleep schedule has been obliterated. I've pretty much abandoned any idea of sleeping like a normal person. I've also basically abandoned the idea of sleeping for more than just a few hours at a time. I recall when my days and nights were like this before. It's been at times in my life when I have been historically depressed.

For example, my teenage years were fraught with sleeplessness. I spent so many nights in front of my computer, blogging and chatting, listening to music and trying to fight my troubles away by attempting to write stories and poetry. I read. I half-assed my homework. I brooded over boys and my feelings, complicated as they were at the time. I did things at night because my mind just wouldn't shut off.

Later, in our apartment years, I did the same thing when I was taking time off of work. I joined a chat community. I watched anime. I wrote letters to inmates that I used to write to (Yeah, I'm weird. I know. But I always found those letters to be very rewarding). I baked. I cleaned. I went for walks. I did a million things because I got tired of trying to bullshit my way into sleep that wasn't coming.

My whole life's pattern has been that, in times of stress or depression, I don't sleep. Not nearly enough. I stay up. I fight the night. I fight my dreams and my worries. I fight my thoughts. I push myself to do something creative. I push myself to do something useful because of the burgeoning uselessness that threatens to envelop me. I have always been a sleep-fighter. Even as an ill little infant, my parents have told me that I never wanted to sleep for more than 20-40 minutes at a time. I spent most of my infancy crying and wakeful. Why should I be any different in my twenties?

So here we are again, dear old friend Insomnia.

I sit up at night. I chat with JJ or AW. I watch girl movies. I work. I search the Internet for random facts. I scour YouTube for music videos and amusing little skits. I keep fighting sleep. I keep fighting my dreams, my thoughts.

This will probably be the most reassuring constant in my life. This has been one of the only patterns that has ever held true in my life. It's strange, but it's the only thing that makes me feel normal. It's this time in the late night or early morning that really makes me feel like a part of myself. It's just me. There's never anyone else. Maybe it seems strange, but it makes me feel a little more in-tune with myself, with these feelings. It helps me understand them. Maybe, in that way, this insomnia, this vigil is a good thing. I like to think so.