Connected Disconnect

Last night, for the first time in around three weeks, I got some actual sleep. I was in bed by 12:45. I slept until 1:30 PM today. I got some actual rest. So why am I still feeling like I'd love to slaughter an entire village of innocent people, Viking-style?

I have a theory. Change and stagnation are both things that make me a very unpleasant lady. Changes are happening with my marriage and my family. Changes are happening with my scholastic life. Changes are even happening in my friendships. Stagnation has been brought on by the summer. I'm not working or going to classes this summer. So, basically, I'm doing nothing. I can't stand doing nothing--which is totally new for me because there have been times in my life that I would have paid money to have the ability to do nothing for even just a day.

Change and stagnation together are a deadly combination for me. They make me want for even more drastic changes. They make me yearn to change things in ways that I can control. It has always been at times of change that I have made piercing, tattoo, or hair style decisions. I have gone shopping and bought new things that I might never even wear or accessories that are outlandish and really only cool for about the first twenty minutes. I make terrible choices with regard to sex and relationships--specifically, I set my sights awfully low and always end up with a dirtball.

I'm struggling with being taken over by my desire to change things too drastically. I'm a little bit floored by the things that I'm discovering about myself lately. For example, I'm starting to get used to sleeping alone in a king-size bed. More startling is the fact that I'm starting to like it. Maybe I was more right about this separation that I wanted to be. Maybe I really do need some independence and some space. I feel sort of traitorous to admit that. Marriages are supposed to work and mine isn't right now. It feels terrible to say that I need space.

I think I just need a little bit of space from the world. I need to focus on reading, studying some anatomy concepts, cleaning up around my atrocious room. I need to take a few days off the Internet for a while. I need to chill, to think. I think that maybe, this week, I'm going to try to limit my Internet contact hours. It tends to make me lack focus when I get online. I spend too much time chatting or tweeting obsessively. I don't think about the things that I really need to be thinking about.

Perhaps it's time to take a couple of days for perspective. Thoughts?