Family and Reunions

This weekend, my brother and his girlfriend, Jill, stopped in to stay with us for a few days on the way to Jill's house in Boston. My twin brother, as it happens, will be spending the Christmas holidays with the lovely Jill and her parents. They'll also come back through and stay with us for another few days on their way back to Lafayette, Indiana, but my dad and I will be in South Bend, so I won't get to spend a whole lot of time with them.

It's an interesting relationship that my twin and I have with each other. We used to be very close. Then, during our teenage years--probably due to the fact that I was a teenage girl, which automatically makes everything horrible--we grew apart. Lately, we've been much closer, and it's been a very comfortable friendship. I suppose you don't really appreciate your siblings until you don't see them all the time anymore.

We've spent the weekends talking about various things, playing video games together, enjoying family meals, and doing plenty of laughing. I like Jill very much, and I can tell that my brother has a very deep affection for her. It's nice to see him in a comfortable relationship, and I'm very happy for the both of them. I'm also glad that Jill and I have so much in common. We're both English majors, both interested in the same television and mostly the same books. We share some common opinions, and we have a very similar sense of humor. She's witty, which I guess she'd have to be to keep up with my brother's sassy comments. In short, I'd enjoy spending more time with both of them.

It's just been very nice to have my family together again, even if only for a few days. You don't really realize how much you can like each other when you have to spend all your time living with together. When you've all gone your separate ways, you have time to miss each other. You get time to reflect on the things that you liked about them, about all the ways that they made you laugh and smile. Our family is very much a family that loves to laugh together. It's nice to share intelligent conversation and laugh together again. I suppose I hadn't realized how very much I missed it until now.

In other news, my friend Mandy called me today to catch up. We spent some time reminiscing about the halcyon days of youth, and it got me thinking back to my high school days. I found myself thinking about people that we used to hang out with, relationships that happened--or almost happened, as the case may be. I sort of wish that we could all have our own reunion between friends, just to catch up. It would be nice to spend an evening talking about how we used to feel about each other, what we're doing now, and who we've all become. But then, I crave poetry in life, even among people and relationships. (I suppose I should preface that more by saying that I crave more poetry in life which does not begin, "There once was a man from Nantucket...")

Everything was so complicated, but even then, it was so simple. When you get older, not even much older, things get harder. Relationships must be considered--not just romantic ones, but also ones between family and friends--and they come and go. Jobs and opportunities come your way and force you sacrifice things. Your priorities change. Sometimes, you think about family and the future. Money is obtained, lost, needed and valued differently. Unexpected things happen.

I don't think that high-school-me would have expected me to be where I am now. I don't think high-school-me would be disappointed or anything, so don't misinterpret me. I simply think that, when I thought about my life back then, this isn't what I saw for myself. I suppose, however, that it would have been hard to see myself now from the limited perspective that I had back then.

Don't get me wrong, either. I am often surprised at how well I have turned out considering many things. I am fairly intelligent. I am capable and independent. I have no qualms with standing up for myself or others. I am much more wise than I ever thought I would be at any age, let alone in my twenties. I still have to work on my patience, but I'm making great strides in many other categories, all things considered. I could be doing much, much worse. Perhaps my life will keep moving forward in interesting ways, and I will continue to become more than I thought I would be. We can only hope so, right?

Connected Disconnect

Last night, for the first time in around three weeks, I got some actual sleep. I was in bed by 12:45. I slept until 1:30 PM today. I got some actual rest. So why am I still feeling like I'd love to slaughter an entire village of innocent people, Viking-style?

I have a theory. Change and stagnation are both things that make me a very unpleasant lady. Changes are happening with my marriage and my family. Changes are happening with my scholastic life. Changes are even happening in my friendships. Stagnation has been brought on by the summer. I'm not working or going to classes this summer. So, basically, I'm doing nothing. I can't stand doing nothing--which is totally new for me because there have been times in my life that I would have paid money to have the ability to do nothing for even just a day.

Change and stagnation together are a deadly combination for me. They make me want for even more drastic changes. They make me yearn to change things in ways that I can control. It has always been at times of change that I have made piercing, tattoo, or hair style decisions. I have gone shopping and bought new things that I might never even wear or accessories that are outlandish and really only cool for about the first twenty minutes. I make terrible choices with regard to sex and relationships--specifically, I set my sights awfully low and always end up with a dirtball.

I'm struggling with being taken over by my desire to change things too drastically. I'm a little bit floored by the things that I'm discovering about myself lately. For example, I'm starting to get used to sleeping alone in a king-size bed. More startling is the fact that I'm starting to like it. Maybe I was more right about this separation that I wanted to be. Maybe I really do need some independence and some space. I feel sort of traitorous to admit that. Marriages are supposed to work and mine isn't right now. It feels terrible to say that I need space.

I think I just need a little bit of space from the world. I need to focus on reading, studying some anatomy concepts, cleaning up around my atrocious room. I need to take a few days off the Internet for a while. I need to chill, to think. I think that maybe, this week, I'm going to try to limit my Internet contact hours. It tends to make me lack focus when I get online. I spend too much time chatting or tweeting obsessively. I don't think about the things that I really need to be thinking about.

Perhaps it's time to take a couple of days for perspective. Thoughts?