Last night, for the first time in around three weeks, I got some actual sleep. I was in bed by 12:45. I slept until 1:30 PM today. I got some actual rest. So why am I still feeling like I'd love to slaughter an entire village of innocent people, Viking-style?
I have a theory. Change and stagnation are both things that make me a very unpleasant lady. Changes are happening with my marriage and my family. Changes are happening with my scholastic life. Changes are even happening in my friendships. Stagnation has been brought on by the summer. I'm not working or going to classes this summer. So, basically, I'm doing nothing. I can't stand doing nothing--which is totally new for me because there have been times in my life that I would have paid money to have the ability to do nothing for even just a day.
Change and stagnation together are a deadly combination for me. They make me want for even more drastic changes. They make me yearn to change things in ways that I can control. It has always been at times of change that I have made piercing, tattoo, or hair style decisions. I have gone shopping and bought new things that I might never even wear or accessories that are outlandish and really only cool for about the first twenty minutes. I make terrible choices with regard to sex and relationships--specifically, I set my sights awfully low and always end up with a dirtball.
I'm struggling with being taken over by my desire to change things too drastically. I'm a little bit floored by the things that I'm discovering about myself lately. For example, I'm starting to get used to sleeping alone in a king-size bed. More startling is the fact that I'm starting to like it. Maybe I was more right about this separation that I wanted to be. Maybe I really do need some independence and some space. I feel sort of traitorous to admit that. Marriages are supposed to work and mine isn't right now. It feels terrible to say that I need space.
I think I just need a little bit of space from the world. I need to focus on reading, studying some anatomy concepts, cleaning up around my atrocious room. I need to take a few days off the Internet for a while. I need to chill, to think. I think that maybe, this week, I'm going to try to limit my Internet contact hours. It tends to make me lack focus when I get online. I spend too much time chatting or tweeting obsessively. I don't think about the things that I really need to be thinking about.
Perhaps it's time to take a couple of days for perspective. Thoughts?
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Monday, July 19, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
Lazy Days of Summer
Alright, so color me lazy. Despite my being unemployed and unencumbered by burgeoning academic achievement (mostly), I have been neglectful of my blogging responsibilities! Alright, I'm a terrible netizen. If there were a scarlet letter for this, I would wear it in shame.
My husband and I have been up to doing what most couples (we assume) do: playing games, watching movies and DVDs, and having sex. We caught up completely on True Blood. For JJ, it was an introduction to the material so that we can watch season three together when HBO begins to air them on the 13th of June. For me, it was all a recap, but it was a pleasant re-visit to Bon Temps indeed. Today, we played Mortal Combat VS DC Universe, in which, I am pleased to report, I happened to be able to school my husband. (As I told him, he should be proud. Most gamers don't have girlfriends who can kick their asses, let alone wives) Even as we speak, my husband is perusing the web for finishing moves and cheats so that, next time, he can come out the victor. And the sex, well, that sort of speaks for itself, right?
I am, sadly, still shirking my duties when it comes to writing my philosophy paper. In my defense, I know what I want to say. I have some sources about what I want to say. I just need to sit down and put it together, logic it out. I'm looking forward to putting that together this weekend, actually. My desk is mostly cleared for me to do it. I'll make a pot of coffee and sit at the lovely laptop. If only I hadn't quit smoking, my image as a neurotic writer could be cemented for you.
On the positive side of things, I bought some scar gel to try to diminish the horrible scar on my hand from the accident. Happily, I can report that the color does seem to be changing. The downside, however, is that it itches like mad about a half an hour after I put the stuff on. Also, I'm supposed to apply it 3-4 times a day for up to six months. Yikes! I think it's the itching and the frequency that are causing me to subconsciously forget to put the stuff on like I'm supposed to. Needless to say, it's something to add to the list of things that I need to work on--as if that needed to get any longer.
In other news, after all the ridiculous reconnection crap with AW, he's not sure we should be friends now. It's funny how people can sort of flake out on you sometimes. Honestly, I'm still thinking about the whole thing, but it might be best if we just don't speak. I'm still pretty bitter and angry. And, frankly, I don't think it's too much to ask to have friends who are willing to stick by me during the tough stuff, even if that means that I make them mad or they make me mad. It's not unfair of me to not want to befriend someone who dropped me quicker than Oprah drops her diets. Plus, I keep wondering what would really come of it anyways. It's certainly an impasse. Part of me thinks people warrant second chances, and another part of me is kind of over it.
On the brighter side, things with JJ are going swimmingly. I feel like we've been more connected lately. Our relationship is stronger than ever, which pleases me. It seemed like we'd hit a bit of a rough patch there during our last semester. We spent a lot of time fighting and irritated with each other because of the stress. Now that we've had time to relax, it's gotten much better. I can see now why people take vacations. We just needed some time to be a couple--and the sex hasn't hurt much either. I feel like we're much more in sync. It's been really wonderful just being together. I don't know if we've gotten to be a better couple or we're just more secure in our marriage or what, but I'm grateful for whatever it is.
For now, I'm headed to bed. I have a bar-b-que for a friend who's leaving town tomorrow. I spent tonight baking cookies to bring with me. I'm pleased to report that the house smells delightful, the cookies look great, and the kitchen is quite clean. I even had time between batches to start watching Drag Me To Hell, lose my patience with it, and choose another movie. At least one of my evenings lately has been productive!
My husband and I have been up to doing what most couples (we assume) do: playing games, watching movies and DVDs, and having sex. We caught up completely on True Blood. For JJ, it was an introduction to the material so that we can watch season three together when HBO begins to air them on the 13th of June. For me, it was all a recap, but it was a pleasant re-visit to Bon Temps indeed. Today, we played Mortal Combat VS DC Universe, in which, I am pleased to report, I happened to be able to school my husband. (As I told him, he should be proud. Most gamers don't have girlfriends who can kick their asses, let alone wives) Even as we speak, my husband is perusing the web for finishing moves and cheats so that, next time, he can come out the victor. And the sex, well, that sort of speaks for itself, right?
I am, sadly, still shirking my duties when it comes to writing my philosophy paper. In my defense, I know what I want to say. I have some sources about what I want to say. I just need to sit down and put it together, logic it out. I'm looking forward to putting that together this weekend, actually. My desk is mostly cleared for me to do it. I'll make a pot of coffee and sit at the lovely laptop. If only I hadn't quit smoking, my image as a neurotic writer could be cemented for you.
On the positive side of things, I bought some scar gel to try to diminish the horrible scar on my hand from the accident. Happily, I can report that the color does seem to be changing. The downside, however, is that it itches like mad about a half an hour after I put the stuff on. Also, I'm supposed to apply it 3-4 times a day for up to six months. Yikes! I think it's the itching and the frequency that are causing me to subconsciously forget to put the stuff on like I'm supposed to. Needless to say, it's something to add to the list of things that I need to work on--as if that needed to get any longer.
In other news, after all the ridiculous reconnection crap with AW, he's not sure we should be friends now. It's funny how people can sort of flake out on you sometimes. Honestly, I'm still thinking about the whole thing, but it might be best if we just don't speak. I'm still pretty bitter and angry. And, frankly, I don't think it's too much to ask to have friends who are willing to stick by me during the tough stuff, even if that means that I make them mad or they make me mad. It's not unfair of me to not want to befriend someone who dropped me quicker than Oprah drops her diets. Plus, I keep wondering what would really come of it anyways. It's certainly an impasse. Part of me thinks people warrant second chances, and another part of me is kind of over it.
On the brighter side, things with JJ are going swimmingly. I feel like we've been more connected lately. Our relationship is stronger than ever, which pleases me. It seemed like we'd hit a bit of a rough patch there during our last semester. We spent a lot of time fighting and irritated with each other because of the stress. Now that we've had time to relax, it's gotten much better. I can see now why people take vacations. We just needed some time to be a couple--and the sex hasn't hurt much either. I feel like we're much more in sync. It's been really wonderful just being together. I don't know if we've gotten to be a better couple or we're just more secure in our marriage or what, but I'm grateful for whatever it is.
For now, I'm headed to bed. I have a bar-b-que for a friend who's leaving town tomorrow. I spent tonight baking cookies to bring with me. I'm pleased to report that the house smells delightful, the cookies look great, and the kitchen is quite clean. I even had time between batches to start watching Drag Me To Hell, lose my patience with it, and choose another movie. At least one of my evenings lately has been productive!
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