Day Two: Crush/Boyfriend

JJ,

I'm cheating the system here and opting to write to you. I figure the husband card trumps the boyfriend or crush card on just about any given day of the week. Any break-up that requires legal paperwork to be real must mean a serious relationship--just sayin'!

Needless to say, we're a little complicated right now. I'd love to say that I'm sure that things will work out and be perfect, but I just don't know anymore, which is daunting, saddening, and awful. I feel like we've changed a lot since we first started dating. In some ways, we've grown. In others, we've fallen apart.

One thing is clear: we have no idea how to fight like normal people. We throw open doors and put the knobs through walls (Yeah, that's right, I brought up my fight faux pas), storm off, hit walls, refuse to speak or other such nonsense. Normal people don't fight that way. Well-adjusted people don't function that way. Lately, I'd done everything I could to avoid fighting with you because I hate feeling as drained as I do afterward. It's like repeatedly throwing myself against a brick wall; in the end, I haven't accomplished all that much, but I'm super tired and sore. I don't want to fight like that anymore. I can't spend the rest of my life fighting like that.

I guess what I really want is for you to show me that there's something worth fighting for here because I fear we've lost it. I want you to prove to me that you're capable of being the man that you want to be. Show me that I'm worth fighting for, worth striving for. I need to feel like I matter enough to you for you to try and accomplish those three goals--even if you have to do it in another state, even if you have to do it alone. Prove to me that I'm worth it. That's all I want. That's what every woman wants, to know that she's worth having, worth fighting for.

Sometimes, I just feel like I've changed so much. I feel like I'm growing, but in a way that only I can do. I'm genuinely afraid that maybe we don't want the same things from life. You want babies and a family. I'm scared to death at the prospect of children. The idea of being totally responsible for another human being truly, honestly terrifies me. I want to travel. I want to do frivolous stupid things for the sake of them. I want to surround myself with a huge community of friends and have group vacations and brunches. I am not upset that I am not maternal, but I think you would be.

Do you remember when I asked you what first struck you about me? You told me that it was how sure I was of everything, how no one could tell me anything. I remember the girl that wanted to hold your hand that night in the cemetery. I remember how sure she was of herself. I feel like I've lost that girl. I don't remember who she is anymore. I need to find that girl again. I need to be sure of myself again. I can't be sure of anything else until I can be sure of me.

Maybe this is all 2 AM melodrama after a very long day, but please don't be mad about this post. Please think about it. Also, please be aware that I do love you. This separation, this difficult time that we're having doesn't invalidate the good times that we've had. It means that what we need is more of those times and less of what we've been having lately.

Love,

Jess

P.S.--Sorry this is so heavy. I intended to write something lighter, less personal, but this seems more honest. I blame the lateness of the hour and The Swell Season.