Fantastic Messes

It's been a while since I've updated. I've been busy and haven't felt all that great about it. Mostly, it's necessary to say that JJ and I have been fighting a lot lately. Last week (towards the latter half of the week), we had a discussion that devolved into chaos. I won't go into the details because--not only is the wound a smidgen too fresh for me--JJ asked me not to.

Suffice it to say, he is in Indiana right now. I'm still in Ohio. I don't really know what to think right now. I feel bad because, in many ways, what happened between us was something that I allowed to happen. It's a product of every expectation that I had that I didn't vocalize. It's a product of my own actions, every time I let an issue go because it was just easier to shut up about it than it was to fight about it. In many ways, it's because I took the easy way.

Yet, I feel like there's more that I need. First, I need to get a little bit of personal independence. I'm going to regret it if I never live in the dorms at college. I don't know why, but I feel that it's true. That may be a lame explanation, but it's the best I can do. I also need him to make good on the promises that he's made. I need him to drive. I need him to get a job. I need so much for him to stop acting like I'm just a pain in the ass who's bent on ruining his fun and act like he actually loves me.

Don't get me wrong, I know he loves me. But it's been so strained between us lately. It's like we've forgotten what we're in this for. We've forgotten what we love about each other. I want us to be comfortable again. I think we need to work on our issues apart for a while. He needs to work on his anger and anxiety, and I need to work on the fact that I have a tendency to make everyone's lives revolve around me. These are problems. Maybe if I had a little more of a sense of myself, of who I can be without other people, I'd be more comfortable with being on the back-burner.

I just feel like there's so much that we need to figure out. There's so much that has to be explained or accounted for. We'll always be each other's excuse. I'll never figure myself out because I'll always say that someone else already knows me. He'll never figure himself out because he'll always have me to fall back on as a reason. We need to figure it out. Separate seems like a better idea right now.

All I know is that I'm confused. Sleeping in this bed alone is difficult. I've been sleeping sideways. I miss his smell, which is something that I've gotten incredibly used to. I hate having to fall asleep alone, waking up alone. I hate the silence because everything is so much quieter. I hate feeling like I'm ruining his life. That's mostly what hurts: the idea that I'm fucking this all up for more than just myself.

A silent question confronted me in the dark last night, and I couldn't find an answer for it. I'm not sure what terrified me more, the question or the absent answer. What was it? The following: What if I end up alone?

There was a time when I wasn't afraid of that. Now I'm not so sure.

Diminished Return

You may have been wondering to yourself, "Self, why hasn't Jessica updated in like a week or so?"

Alright, I'm reasonable enough to acknowledge that that's just my ego talking...but it's a really nice idea. The answer is that JJ and I had to go out of town for a funeral last week. This week, to be frank, it's just been my utter laziness. JJ's family had a close friend who passed away, which his grandmother has been taking quite hard. We felt it would be appropriate for us to be in town, for JJ to pay his respects. He ended up serving as a pall bearer at her funeral, so it was a good thing that we came.

This week, it's been lacking motivation. After spending last week having fun with my old friends in the Bend, this week just seems like a drain and a waste. I've spent it poorly. I've been thinking of old friends and old places, doing old things like reading fanfics. Perhaps it was out of a sense of nostalgia that I resurrected the old LiveJournal--LJ for short.

Things just haven't been really going my way lately. The husband and I have fought. I've hardly accomplished a damned thing. I haven't heard back about my paper, which I did finally turn in. I haven't had a satisfactory response from several of the e-mails I've sent. I just feel like my life isn't on the ball. I feel like all I want to do is stay in bed and read or surf the web, which of course is the exact kind of unproductive crap that has me feeling this way in the first place. See where the trouble is? It's a vicious cycle!

In an effort to get myself out of the funk, I volunteered for yard work. Yard work of all things!! I hate being outside. I hate the sun. I hate bugs. I hate that I'll sweat. I pretty much hate the entire experience of yard work. This is going to be an exercise in futility. But who's going to tough it out like a big girl and do it anyways because she said she would? This girl. Wish me luck.