Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the future. I've been thinking about what it is that I want to do with myself, where I want to be, and where I see myself. I've been thinking about Canada.
I realize that this may seem random, but let's chat about that. You see, I've always wanted to live in a more major metro area. I like the idea of a city that never sleeps, the idea of being able to go out at 4 AM and know that I'll find people and I'll have something to do. What I don't like about most cities in the United States is how unsafe they are. Plus, let's be honest here, Citizens: people in the U.S. are a little bit twisted. Canada is safer. Canadians respect each other. Sure, there are bad eggs, but Canadians don't really have the same kind of rudeness that we have here in the States. It's just different.
That's not the only reason that Canada appeals to me, and I'm sure that, at this point, I'm not really seeming any less random. It's just that Canada feels like possibility. Canada feels like America but better. I could see myself living in Canada. I could see myself being able to thrive there. Canada could be the place that turns my life around. I've been wanting to go there for a while now. We visited Niagara and Toronto when I was about 12, and they were amazing cities. I would go back in a heartbeat. I don't have to explain all the great reasons to live in Canada or why it matters to me. I guess I just really need to put it out there to the universe that this is what I want.
I really need to start over, and I think I'd like to do that somewhere completely different. I need things to change so much. I know I have a ways to go before I'll be out of school here in Ohio, so I'm thinking that maybe Canada will have to wait until I'm ready for grad school. Yet, I think grad school will be the perfect opportunity to make that happen for me. I've been looking at graduate schools in Canada, more specifically in Vancouver. The University of British Columbia is in Vancouver, and they have a pretty good rating in Canada. Not only that, but they have MA and Ph.D. programs in English.
The more I think about going, the more scary the prospect becomes, though. I'd be starting a life (or, at the very least, a new chapter of my life) in a totally unfamiliar place--not just city-wise, but country-wise. I wouldn't know anyone there. I wouldn't know the best places to shop or who to talk to if I have car or computer troubles. I'd have to discover everything. Completely. As much as that idea appeals to me, it's also terrifying to think that I would be--for the first time in my life--totally without a safety net. Canada is also a pretty expensive place to live, so it's a pretty daunting task to go there and try to make it on my own.
For some reason, though, I can't get the idea of moving to Vancouver out of my head. It's where I want to be. It's calling me. As unnerving as it is to face the idea of heading to another country, it's even more intimidating to have to face myself and my own disappointment if I completely ignore my urge to follow my dreams. Going to grad school, going to Vancouver, those are definitely my dreams. I don't want to wait until I'm 40 to have my self-actualization moment. I want to have the courage to do these things while I'm still young enough to love them and have plenty of time to look back on them and rejoice having had those experiences.
I just need to do something for myself. I need to do what makes me happy, and I really think that this would. Does this seem selfish? Should I care if it does? I mean, at the end of the day, this is my life and I'm the one that has to be happy with it. Ultimately, it's me that has to live with me. I don't want to regret not doing this for the rest of my life. I want to do it. I want to make it happen. Is that so wrong of me?
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Standing Up
Another blog inspired by a Facebook post? Why, yes!
A relative of mine shared this clip with me on Facebook. The basic set-up is that ABC News hired some actors to play a gay family at a restaurant and a waitress to behave badly and in a discriminatory manner toward them in public. They set up hidden cameras to observe the reactions of other patrons at the restaurant. The whole thing was shot in a small, conservative Texas town, by the way.
The results were somewhat surprising to me. Person after person got up and told the waitress that she was being incredibly rude. People offered to buy breakfast for the family. One amazing young man wrote the lesbian couple in the clip a note that offered them beautiful, kind words of support. It was so touching that the actress playing one of the lesbians began to cry.
The young man's note said the following:
For me, this begs a question: what would you do in the same situation? Would you put yourself into a situation that had nothing to do with you in order to stop something that you know is wrong? My answer is yes. I've done it before, and I have no qualms about doing it again. It's wrong to allow discrimination to happen in front of your eyes. What I worry about is the answer that other people would give when asked the same question. How many people think, "Well, this is none of my business," and just sit back and do nothing?
Donovan is right; it is the inaction of those around us who do side with us that sticks with us in the long run. I don't ever want someone to look at me and wonder why I didn't stand up for what I believed in. I don't want to see people around me hurting when I have the chance to do something about it. I don't think it's right to sit back and do nothing. Even if what I say doesn't make a difference, at least I will have had the courage to say it, to take a stand. That's important to me.
Stand up for what you believe in. Do what you think is right. Inactivity is almost worse than aggression and hate because inactivity perpetuates aggression and hate by allowing them to go on. There is a saying that always stuck with me which fits this very well:
A relative of mine shared this clip with me on Facebook. The basic set-up is that ABC News hired some actors to play a gay family at a restaurant and a waitress to behave badly and in a discriminatory manner toward them in public. They set up hidden cameras to observe the reactions of other patrons at the restaurant. The whole thing was shot in a small, conservative Texas town, by the way.
The results were somewhat surprising to me. Person after person got up and told the waitress that she was being incredibly rude. People offered to buy breakfast for the family. One amazing young man wrote the lesbian couple in the clip a note that offered them beautiful, kind words of support. It was so touching that the actress playing one of the lesbians began to cry.
The young man's note said the following:
Hello Friends,His letter to the couple made me tear up a little bit when I watched the story. Years ago, people could get away with saying just about whatever they wanted to gay couples and no one would stand up for them. I remember seeing the effect it had on our family friends. It could be really ugly and really hurtful. It restores some of my faith in humanity to see so many people standing up for what they think is right.
I know it doesn't mean much, but I love you all. You have a beautiful family, and I pray that one person's judgmental intolerance does not, in any way, put a damper on your hearts or minds. In the words of MLK Jr, "In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
Donovan
For me, this begs a question: what would you do in the same situation? Would you put yourself into a situation that had nothing to do with you in order to stop something that you know is wrong? My answer is yes. I've done it before, and I have no qualms about doing it again. It's wrong to allow discrimination to happen in front of your eyes. What I worry about is the answer that other people would give when asked the same question. How many people think, "Well, this is none of my business," and just sit back and do nothing?
Donovan is right; it is the inaction of those around us who do side with us that sticks with us in the long run. I don't ever want someone to look at me and wonder why I didn't stand up for what I believed in. I don't want to see people around me hurting when I have the chance to do something about it. I don't think it's right to sit back and do nothing. Even if what I say doesn't make a difference, at least I will have had the courage to say it, to take a stand. That's important to me.
Stand up for what you believe in. Do what you think is right. Inactivity is almost worse than aggression and hate because inactivity perpetuates aggression and hate by allowing them to go on. There is a saying that always stuck with me which fits this very well:
Always stand up for what you think is right. Doing so can give other people around you the courage to do the same. At the very least, it allows you to sleep well at night knowing that you didn't sit idly by and allow the perpetuation of injustice.
First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists and I did not speak out because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me and there was no one left to speak out for me.(Martin Niemoller, 1892-1984)
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Creativity and Showing Up
A friend of mine recently posted something interesting on my Facebook wall. It was one of those TED talks by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love. The subject of the talk was creativity. Those of you who follow my blog more frequently may know that, for me, creativity is something of a terror. I'm not particularly creative, which is a bit of a bother considering how badly I wish to be creative. I love writing, but I've never felt like I was particularly good at it.
But today, Elizabeth Gilbert got me thinking. She feels that creativity can come from an outside source, that inspiration isn't always the product of the person. Creativity can come from outside muses, which is what the Greeks and Romans both believed. Creativity can be a force that simply enters you. Showing up and doing the work, making something out of nothing, is really a person's only job in creativity. Making an effort is part of how you make something count.
How does this apply to my life? When my younger brother and I have discussed school and the possibility of him going back to take some classes, I've been known to tell him that 90% of my success in college has been in showing up for class. The rest of the success kind of makes its own gravy, you know? Hearing Elizabeth Gilbert apply that philosophy to the creativity made me realize that showing up and doing the work is something that I often don't do when it comes to creative works.
Let me explain. I've always considered creativity to be something that a person either has or does not have. In my head, I've maintained this notion that people come by their artistic talents naturally. (I mean, surely da Vinci was able to draw and paint like that all of his life, right?) Even though I know some artists who have had to work at their craft, learn and apply new techniques, and work through trial-and-error, I never really put it together that creativity could be something that a person could work at. I guess I never did that because working at creativity means that some of your works might not be as good as the rest; some of them might be total flops and failures. I never thought that creativity could be a failure because I only thought of creativity as being something that succeeds. Something creative is always amazing. I never considered the fact that something that sucked could also be creative because I always thought that the things that I produced which--in my eyes--sucked, were totally lacking in creativity.
I haven't been practicing what I preach. I haven't been showing up when it comes to creativity. I haven't been writing as much lately because I feel like I have nothing creative or worthwhile to say. I don't contemplate writing other things. I don't push myself to come up with a concept. I don't even sit with my laptop and fake an attempt at writing something. I simply let it slide on past me. I never thought that I could be creative even in things that aren't as interesting because they help me to grow to a more creative end. I need to start showing up, doing my part in the creative dance. I need to start doing for the sake of doing and having faith that some of the things that come of it will be creative and good.
This is step one in the process of showing up. Producing something. Let's hope I can make a more concentrated effort on that front.
But today, Elizabeth Gilbert got me thinking. She feels that creativity can come from an outside source, that inspiration isn't always the product of the person. Creativity can come from outside muses, which is what the Greeks and Romans both believed. Creativity can be a force that simply enters you. Showing up and doing the work, making something out of nothing, is really a person's only job in creativity. Making an effort is part of how you make something count.
How does this apply to my life? When my younger brother and I have discussed school and the possibility of him going back to take some classes, I've been known to tell him that 90% of my success in college has been in showing up for class. The rest of the success kind of makes its own gravy, you know? Hearing Elizabeth Gilbert apply that philosophy to the creativity made me realize that showing up and doing the work is something that I often don't do when it comes to creative works.
Let me explain. I've always considered creativity to be something that a person either has or does not have. In my head, I've maintained this notion that people come by their artistic talents naturally. (I mean, surely da Vinci was able to draw and paint like that all of his life, right?) Even though I know some artists who have had to work at their craft, learn and apply new techniques, and work through trial-and-error, I never really put it together that creativity could be something that a person could work at. I guess I never did that because working at creativity means that some of your works might not be as good as the rest; some of them might be total flops and failures. I never thought that creativity could be a failure because I only thought of creativity as being something that succeeds. Something creative is always amazing. I never considered the fact that something that sucked could also be creative because I always thought that the things that I produced which--in my eyes--sucked, were totally lacking in creativity.
I haven't been practicing what I preach. I haven't been showing up when it comes to creativity. I haven't been writing as much lately because I feel like I have nothing creative or worthwhile to say. I don't contemplate writing other things. I don't push myself to come up with a concept. I don't even sit with my laptop and fake an attempt at writing something. I simply let it slide on past me. I never thought that I could be creative even in things that aren't as interesting because they help me to grow to a more creative end. I need to start showing up, doing my part in the creative dance. I need to start doing for the sake of doing and having faith that some of the things that come of it will be creative and good.
This is step one in the process of showing up. Producing something. Let's hope I can make a more concentrated effort on that front.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Privacy in the Modern Age
I read an article today that really got me thinking. In the past, the girls and I have had discussions at the dorms about the nature of rumors, privacy, and libel. I have been of the belief for quite some time now that privacy, in the modern age, is dead. Let me tell you why.
First of all, we live in an era where everything is available online. You can do a quick Google search and find out just about anything that you want about a person without having to work too hard for it. I know that this is true because I google people all the time. You can put a lot of pieces together with a well-thought foray into the joys of Internet search engines. In the past, I've started with a name and found websites, interviews, personal information, and even images of a person's home residence. It's all out there, one just has to know how to find it.
Secondly, we're coming to find that we have a generation of people who are putting their every thought out there on the web without even thinking about it. Facebook and Twitter have only added to that trend. It's possible to whip out a mobile phone and toss out 140 characters of whatever you want. It's a cultural ideal that encourages people to update, to share, to network, but it doesn't encourage them to think. It's too easy to drunk-text a Twitter update without considering the ramifications of what you're doing. It's too easy to put out a status update that outs someone as a bad friend without considering the fact that it also makes you a bad friend for putting it all over Facebook. Even the author of the aforementioned article notes that she didn't think, at the age that she started her sex blog, that people would think it was a big deal or that they'd go out of their way to hurt her for it. She didn't consider the ramifications of her writing.
Thirdly, if you're not putting it out there, someone else will or has. If you're not telling Facebook that you got hammered with your besties last night, you'd better monitor what your besties are saying. Odds are fair that one of them wrote to someone or even made a status about how you embarrassed yourself by puking in the pool. It goes beyond just personal circumstances, though. Information is disseminated pretty freely these days. Winning a contest or tournament means that your name will be out there for the world to see. More to the point, your address is on google right now, and you probably didn't put it there yourself. You don't always have control over what is written about you.
People are ugly. We hurt each other. This is what we do. There is always going to be some hater who looks at what you've written and wants to find a way to use it to destroy you. There will always be a person that wants you to feel terrible, even if there is no logic to those feelings. Perfect strangers will find a way to hate you for no reason at all. Trolls on the Internet will use whatever they can to get to the people that they dislike. This comes as no surprise at all.
Privacy is dead because we have slain it ourselves. The information age comes at a price. Having widely disseminated information out there means that some of that information might be about you. Is that a price that you're willing to pay for the knowledge that Angelina Jolie prefers her underwear white and Hunter S. Thompson was really fond of grilled cheese? (Those are totally made up facts. I have no idea about Angelina's underwear or Hunter's food-loving ways. Frankly, those subjects are too boring for me to google.) The instant-update attitude that Facebook and Twitter add to our lifestyles only exacerbate the death of privacy, and those are based in choice. No one makes you update Facebook or Twitter with personal information that may be damning. In some ways, we play a major role in our own lack of privacy, so it makes no sense to blame others for it.
Here's my feeling about privacy: If you don't want someone to know that you did something, then don't do it. It's simple. People can't find out about what didn't happen. Not committing an act means that you don't have to find ways to lie about it. It also saves you the embarrassment of a friend calling you out on actions that you didn't want them to find out about. If you'll feel bad for it later, if you might have to apologize for it (and apologies aren't your thing), then just don't do it. Privacy isn't an issue if you're not doing things that you feel like you might need to hide.This world is too populated and small for people to think that they would be able to have a space or forum totally free from other people and judgment.
As far as I'm concerned, there isn't a reasonable expectation of privacy any more. I live my life like people are watching what I'm doing because, let's be honest, they might be.
First of all, we live in an era where everything is available online. You can do a quick Google search and find out just about anything that you want about a person without having to work too hard for it. I know that this is true because I google people all the time. You can put a lot of pieces together with a well-thought foray into the joys of Internet search engines. In the past, I've started with a name and found websites, interviews, personal information, and even images of a person's home residence. It's all out there, one just has to know how to find it.
Secondly, we're coming to find that we have a generation of people who are putting their every thought out there on the web without even thinking about it. Facebook and Twitter have only added to that trend. It's possible to whip out a mobile phone and toss out 140 characters of whatever you want. It's a cultural ideal that encourages people to update, to share, to network, but it doesn't encourage them to think. It's too easy to drunk-text a Twitter update without considering the ramifications of what you're doing. It's too easy to put out a status update that outs someone as a bad friend without considering the fact that it also makes you a bad friend for putting it all over Facebook. Even the author of the aforementioned article notes that she didn't think, at the age that she started her sex blog, that people would think it was a big deal or that they'd go out of their way to hurt her for it. She didn't consider the ramifications of her writing.
Thirdly, if you're not putting it out there, someone else will or has. If you're not telling Facebook that you got hammered with your besties last night, you'd better monitor what your besties are saying. Odds are fair that one of them wrote to someone or even made a status about how you embarrassed yourself by puking in the pool. It goes beyond just personal circumstances, though. Information is disseminated pretty freely these days. Winning a contest or tournament means that your name will be out there for the world to see. More to the point, your address is on google right now, and you probably didn't put it there yourself. You don't always have control over what is written about you.
People are ugly. We hurt each other. This is what we do. There is always going to be some hater who looks at what you've written and wants to find a way to use it to destroy you. There will always be a person that wants you to feel terrible, even if there is no logic to those feelings. Perfect strangers will find a way to hate you for no reason at all. Trolls on the Internet will use whatever they can to get to the people that they dislike. This comes as no surprise at all.
Privacy is dead because we have slain it ourselves. The information age comes at a price. Having widely disseminated information out there means that some of that information might be about you. Is that a price that you're willing to pay for the knowledge that Angelina Jolie prefers her underwear white and Hunter S. Thompson was really fond of grilled cheese? (Those are totally made up facts. I have no idea about Angelina's underwear or Hunter's food-loving ways. Frankly, those subjects are too boring for me to google.) The instant-update attitude that Facebook and Twitter add to our lifestyles only exacerbate the death of privacy, and those are based in choice. No one makes you update Facebook or Twitter with personal information that may be damning. In some ways, we play a major role in our own lack of privacy, so it makes no sense to blame others for it.
Here's my feeling about privacy: If you don't want someone to know that you did something, then don't do it. It's simple. People can't find out about what didn't happen. Not committing an act means that you don't have to find ways to lie about it. It also saves you the embarrassment of a friend calling you out on actions that you didn't want them to find out about. If you'll feel bad for it later, if you might have to apologize for it (and apologies aren't your thing), then just don't do it. Privacy isn't an issue if you're not doing things that you feel like you might need to hide.This world is too populated and small for people to think that they would be able to have a space or forum totally free from other people and judgment.
As far as I'm concerned, there isn't a reasonable expectation of privacy any more. I live my life like people are watching what I'm doing because, let's be honest, they might be.
Discomfort and Disappointments
Well, I clearly fail at updating my blog more frequently. On the upside, I'm finally getting to a place where I'm starting to sort through all the clutter in my brain--which sort of works for me because I'm doing the same thing in my actual living space as well.
I mean, I guess calling it my living space is probably stretching things a little bit. I'm back at my parents' house for the time being, until I can get my settlement from the car accident, followed soon after by a car and, subsequently, a job. Let me just say that this is certainly not an ideal arrangement. My family is under a lot of financial strain right now, and adding another person to this mix is probably not making things much easier for them on that front. More than that, it's a personal strain for me. There are a lot of things that I'm struggling to figure out right now, and my family is not making that any easier for me.
I love my family, but we don't get along terribly well. We've never been a feelings sharing kind of family. We tend to be more of a family that places the blame, slams the doors, and makes passive aggressive quips at the dinner table. "Ketchup you say? I couldn't hear you over the sound of how much you suck." (Okay, so maybe no one said those exact words, but it's not far off!) Ultimately, we love each other, but there's never been an adequate way of showing it. And living with a group of people who may or may not love or hate you (depending on the time of day and what you've done for them lately) can be ridiculously exhausting.
Being here makes me feel like I'll never be good enough to garner the acceptance of my mother. I feel like, no matter what I do, it won't be enough to be worthy. It's my action or inaction in the house. It's my choice to get an English degree instead of a nursing degree--which she is in a constant state of trying to change my mind about with little comments like, "I never liked English. I don't really see the need for it." It's my relationships with my friends. It's my marriage. There's always something about me that just doesn't make the cut.
Then, I find myself wondering why it matters at all. If I'm never going to be good enough, then it doesn't really matter what I do at all, does it? It's time for me to start living my life for what makes me happy, not what makes everyone else happy. Of course, that's easier said than done, and it raises a whole set of questions in and of itself: What is it that makes me happy? How can I find a balance between doing what makes me happy and keeping the peace while I'm still at home? Do I have to apologize for who I am?
Mostly, being here just makes me yearn to be back out on my own again. I miss independence. I crave the ability to actually buy my own groceries, have control over my own kitchen and refrigerator. I want to the be the one who calls all the shots about how to arrange the furniture. I want to look at a mess and not be filled with resentment because I have to clean it up when I didn't make it--I want to look at a mess and know that it was all me and that cleaning it up is worth it because making it was worth it. I want to feel like I'm at peace in my own home again. Cleaning up my bedroom, arranging my desk and closets and drawers doesn't matter if I'm only coming up to my room to escape all the discord in the rest of the house. I want to be comfortable with where I'm living again.
I feel like my youth is wasting away. I should be able to go out and have a good time. I should be able to be comfortable with my life and my home. I should be having experiences, rather than sitting in my room at home and waiting for money to come to me so I can fix my fucked up life. I'm so angry about my circumstances. I'm staring to feel consumed by all the bitterness that's accumulating in me. It's not a good bitterness. It's not like the bitterness of dark chocolate which only makes the sweetness that much sweeter, the bitterness that you learn from. It's rough, tearing, horrible bitterness. It's collecting inside of me faster than I can make it go away. This bitterness just makes my need to have a life of my own again all that much more urgent to me.
It would be really great if a car and an apartment just fell into my lap. In the mean time, how do I figure out how to get it together? My counselor wants me to figure out what it is that I want to accomplish with her in my sessions. I suppose this entry alone will give me a decent place to start. The main thing I'd really like to figure out is how to lose all this anger all the time. How do I stop getting angry at other people for trying to commandeer my life? How do I stop the anger that results when other people try to make me feel like a failure for not living my life in the way that they expected me to live it? How do I do what's right for me without caring about disappointing people? I suppose if I could figure out the answers to those questions, I'd be solving everyone's problems.
I mean, I guess calling it my living space is probably stretching things a little bit. I'm back at my parents' house for the time being, until I can get my settlement from the car accident, followed soon after by a car and, subsequently, a job. Let me just say that this is certainly not an ideal arrangement. My family is under a lot of financial strain right now, and adding another person to this mix is probably not making things much easier for them on that front. More than that, it's a personal strain for me. There are a lot of things that I'm struggling to figure out right now, and my family is not making that any easier for me.
I love my family, but we don't get along terribly well. We've never been a feelings sharing kind of family. We tend to be more of a family that places the blame, slams the doors, and makes passive aggressive quips at the dinner table. "Ketchup you say? I couldn't hear you over the sound of how much you suck." (Okay, so maybe no one said those exact words, but it's not far off!) Ultimately, we love each other, but there's never been an adequate way of showing it. And living with a group of people who may or may not love or hate you (depending on the time of day and what you've done for them lately) can be ridiculously exhausting.
Being here makes me feel like I'll never be good enough to garner the acceptance of my mother. I feel like, no matter what I do, it won't be enough to be worthy. It's my action or inaction in the house. It's my choice to get an English degree instead of a nursing degree--which she is in a constant state of trying to change my mind about with little comments like, "I never liked English. I don't really see the need for it." It's my relationships with my friends. It's my marriage. There's always something about me that just doesn't make the cut.
Then, I find myself wondering why it matters at all. If I'm never going to be good enough, then it doesn't really matter what I do at all, does it? It's time for me to start living my life for what makes me happy, not what makes everyone else happy. Of course, that's easier said than done, and it raises a whole set of questions in and of itself: What is it that makes me happy? How can I find a balance between doing what makes me happy and keeping the peace while I'm still at home? Do I have to apologize for who I am?
Mostly, being here just makes me yearn to be back out on my own again. I miss independence. I crave the ability to actually buy my own groceries, have control over my own kitchen and refrigerator. I want to the be the one who calls all the shots about how to arrange the furniture. I want to look at a mess and not be filled with resentment because I have to clean it up when I didn't make it--I want to look at a mess and know that it was all me and that cleaning it up is worth it because making it was worth it. I want to feel like I'm at peace in my own home again. Cleaning up my bedroom, arranging my desk and closets and drawers doesn't matter if I'm only coming up to my room to escape all the discord in the rest of the house. I want to be comfortable with where I'm living again.
I feel like my youth is wasting away. I should be able to go out and have a good time. I should be able to be comfortable with my life and my home. I should be having experiences, rather than sitting in my room at home and waiting for money to come to me so I can fix my fucked up life. I'm so angry about my circumstances. I'm staring to feel consumed by all the bitterness that's accumulating in me. It's not a good bitterness. It's not like the bitterness of dark chocolate which only makes the sweetness that much sweeter, the bitterness that you learn from. It's rough, tearing, horrible bitterness. It's collecting inside of me faster than I can make it go away. This bitterness just makes my need to have a life of my own again all that much more urgent to me.
It would be really great if a car and an apartment just fell into my lap. In the mean time, how do I figure out how to get it together? My counselor wants me to figure out what it is that I want to accomplish with her in my sessions. I suppose this entry alone will give me a decent place to start. The main thing I'd really like to figure out is how to lose all this anger all the time. How do I stop getting angry at other people for trying to commandeer my life? How do I stop the anger that results when other people try to make me feel like a failure for not living my life in the way that they expected me to live it? How do I do what's right for me without caring about disappointing people? I suppose if I could figure out the answers to those questions, I'd be solving everyone's problems.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Semester's End
My Spring semester at Lourdes has come to a close. It was much more difficult than I had thought it would be, and in many ways, more rewarding to finish it than I could ever have assumed it would be. During my semester, I started counseling, which has been both good and bad. It was, above all, certainly needed. My counselor has been pretty amazing, and it's nice to have a place to go to spill one's guts. There is a therapeutic value to being able to allow your feelings to gush forth like water from a broken pipe. (I fought the urge there, for the record, to compare it to blood and veins, but then I thought I might be giving the wrong impression, what with the mention of counseling in the very same paragraph and all.)
Being out of the dorms is both wonderful and awful. I made some great friends there, and I will miss them greatly. The drama, on the other hand, was getting to be a little too much to handle with my sanity in tact. Being home is imperfect, but it's also temporary. I'm almost hesitant to unpack my things because it feels like the time I spent living with all my friends at the dorms will truly be at an end. It also feels like the weight of the choices that face me will crush me.
Choice is big for me right now. I have to choose where to live, choose what to do with friends, choose what to do with my marriage, choose what to do in difficult situations, choose to stay sober. Every time I turn around, there's another tough call to make, another situation that requires the full magnitude of all of my thought. Staying sober has been difficult in all of this, but it's also been great. I am, in the face of all the questions I get day-to-day (from everyone, including my counselor), still sober. In a little less than a month, it'll be six months sober for me. While I don't go to AA or anything (yet...), I still feel pretty accomplished.
Mostly, I just wanted to update this blog before going to sleep. I know it's been a while, but I'm still here. I'm still hanging in. I'll expand on feelings-type crap tomorrow. For now, I'm content to still be. And to get a little sleep.
Being out of the dorms is both wonderful and awful. I made some great friends there, and I will miss them greatly. The drama, on the other hand, was getting to be a little too much to handle with my sanity in tact. Being home is imperfect, but it's also temporary. I'm almost hesitant to unpack my things because it feels like the time I spent living with all my friends at the dorms will truly be at an end. It also feels like the weight of the choices that face me will crush me.
Choice is big for me right now. I have to choose where to live, choose what to do with friends, choose what to do with my marriage, choose what to do in difficult situations, choose to stay sober. Every time I turn around, there's another tough call to make, another situation that requires the full magnitude of all of my thought. Staying sober has been difficult in all of this, but it's also been great. I am, in the face of all the questions I get day-to-day (from everyone, including my counselor), still sober. In a little less than a month, it'll be six months sober for me. While I don't go to AA or anything (yet...), I still feel pretty accomplished.
Mostly, I just wanted to update this blog before going to sleep. I know it's been a while, but I'm still here. I'm still hanging in. I'll expand on feelings-type crap tomorrow. For now, I'm content to still be. And to get a little sleep.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Best Night Ever
I'm relatively certain that tonight was, by far, the best night of my life. As some of you readers (all two of you) may know, I'm desperately in love with all things Marianas Trench. I found out a while back that they were coming to the United States--as they are a Canadian band--and I bought tickets for their show in Columbus, Ohio, the day that they went on sale. Tonight was the night of their concert, and, Readers, I must say it was epic!
First, Josh and Mike did a signing at the F.Y.E. in the Columbus mall. Kaitlin and I went early to be sure that we got to meet them, which we did. We were the second people in line, and I got all my stuff signed, including an awesome necklace that Kaitlin gave me just before the concert. If you don't believe roommate love is possible, visit Kaitlin and I for a while. It's love up in this bitch. Love.
I also took a picture with the guys.
After the signing was over, we headed to the venue to wait to see the show. We had to park way out in the boondocks because we couldn't find a place to park near the venue. (We were later informed by a friend we happened to make at the signing that there was a parking garage literally across the street from the venue. Balls!) We ended up parking in front of some residence. Kaitlin almost stepped on a dead rat when she got out of her car. It was unpleasant, to say the least. We waited outside in the cold with our friends from the F.Y.E. signing for an hour and a half at least, but then we finally made it inside.
The show was amazing. Josh Ramsay sings live in the same way that he sings on his albums. Mike Ayley, Matt Webb, and Ian Casselman were all amazing. They sounded so great! Lots of bands can be utterly disappointing live, but not Marianas Trench. The crowd was excited and knew a surprising amount of words to the songs. They played a five song set including (in no particular order): "All To Myself," "Cross My Heart," "Celebrity Status," "Shake Tramp," and "Beside You." It was wonderful!
Kaitlin and I left after Marianas Trench was done playing. The walk back to the car had us walking past an alley that was in the back of the venue, and I begged Kaitlin to go down with me to see if the band was outside. Just my luck, they were! After begging Kaitlin to walk further down and talk with them with me, I eventually left her side to talk to Josh Ramsay solo.
The talk that I had with him was amazing. You know that feeling that you get when you really want to meet someone and you just know it's going to be awesome? I had that feeling all day. Josh Ramsay is every bit as accommodating and cool as he seems like he ought to be. We chatted about their tour, about how I introduced my dorm friends to their music, and about sobriety, which was amazing. He was totally understanding. He asked me if I was going to meetings (A.A. for those of you that don't speak fuck-up), and he suggested that I go to them because they can be really supportive. When I asked, he made a little video to greet my friends at the dorms. When I asked, he gave me a hug, which was pretty much perfect. He thanked me for coming out to the show, and I thanked him for the awesome music.
I really don't know what to say other than that it was truly awesome to be able to converse with my favorite person. I don't think that there would have been a more ideal way for me to meet Josh or for things to go down. It was really nice to be able to talk to him about sobriety especially and to know that he understands where I'm coming from with it. It was also nice to hear him support me when there are people in my life right now that know me and don't even offer me support. (In fact, I've been told I'm going to fail. More than once. I've also been told that "Jessica plus alcohol equals a good time." Winners, all around.)
On the way home, we got lost. The good part is that we were only lost for a little while. The GPS malfunctioned, but Kaitlin had a GPS system on her phone. We made it back in one piece and incredibly happy.
Marianas Trench will definitely not lose their place as my favorite band. They've earned it for sure. And Josh Ramsay has my loyalty for sure. Today makes me feel like things are finally turning around for me, like things might be looking up for me in life. Maybe it's because this is my 77th day sober--lucky 7's. Maybe my life is going to be better than it seems. So, Readers, before I gush any more about my amazing night, I leave you with this lovely video.
Josh Ramsay is pretty sure Mike Ayley's hair is awful.
Same picture, different angle. I like this one better, I think.
First, Josh and Mike did a signing at the F.Y.E. in the Columbus mall. Kaitlin and I went early to be sure that we got to meet them, which we did. We were the second people in line, and I got all my stuff signed, including an awesome necklace that Kaitlin gave me just before the concert. If you don't believe roommate love is possible, visit Kaitlin and I for a while. It's love up in this bitch. Love.
Perfect for the occasion!
I also took a picture with the guys.
Please ignore how utterly pasty I look when compared to regular people.
The show was amazing. Josh Ramsay sings live in the same way that he sings on his albums. Mike Ayley, Matt Webb, and Ian Casselman were all amazing. They sounded so great! Lots of bands can be utterly disappointing live, but not Marianas Trench. The crowd was excited and knew a surprising amount of words to the songs. They played a five song set including (in no particular order): "All To Myself," "Cross My Heart," "Celebrity Status," "Shake Tramp," and "Beside You." It was wonderful!
Kaitlin and I left after Marianas Trench was done playing. The walk back to the car had us walking past an alley that was in the back of the venue, and I begged Kaitlin to go down with me to see if the band was outside. Just my luck, they were! After begging Kaitlin to walk further down and talk with them with me, I eventually left her side to talk to Josh Ramsay solo.
The talk that I had with him was amazing. You know that feeling that you get when you really want to meet someone and you just know it's going to be awesome? I had that feeling all day. Josh Ramsay is every bit as accommodating and cool as he seems like he ought to be. We chatted about their tour, about how I introduced my dorm friends to their music, and about sobriety, which was amazing. He was totally understanding. He asked me if I was going to meetings (A.A. for those of you that don't speak fuck-up), and he suggested that I go to them because they can be really supportive. When I asked, he made a little video to greet my friends at the dorms. When I asked, he gave me a hug, which was pretty much perfect. He thanked me for coming out to the show, and I thanked him for the awesome music.
I really don't know what to say other than that it was truly awesome to be able to converse with my favorite person. I don't think that there would have been a more ideal way for me to meet Josh or for things to go down. It was really nice to be able to talk to him about sobriety especially and to know that he understands where I'm coming from with it. It was also nice to hear him support me when there are people in my life right now that know me and don't even offer me support. (In fact, I've been told I'm going to fail. More than once. I've also been told that "Jessica plus alcohol equals a good time." Winners, all around.)
On the way home, we got lost. The good part is that we were only lost for a little while. The GPS malfunctioned, but Kaitlin had a GPS system on her phone. We made it back in one piece and incredibly happy.
Marianas Trench will definitely not lose their place as my favorite band. They've earned it for sure. And Josh Ramsay has my loyalty for sure. Today makes me feel like things are finally turning around for me, like things might be looking up for me in life. Maybe it's because this is my 77th day sober--lucky 7's. Maybe my life is going to be better than it seems. So, Readers, before I gush any more about my amazing night, I leave you with this lovely video.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Meanwhile...
Being back at school has been an interesting experience this semester. I seem to have much less patience for the people around me, as previously stated. It all seems to come in waves. I have my good days, when being around everyone is fun and enjoyable. Then, I have my bad days, when I find the people around me totally insufferable, with a few notable exceptions.
Today, I'm just feeling incredibly left out. I'm sure it seems awfully teenage and emo, but I guess blogging about it is my way of coping with it without having a childish breakdown or crying jag. I'm pretty sure that's on it's way at some point, though. Lord knows that I always manage to have a crying jag at the most inconvenient of times. Of course, all of these feelings were, in a way, precipitated by something even more childish than I'm feeling already, so it all serves to make me feel even more ridiculous. I don't really see any point in rehashing the whole situation in written form because it will just serve to make me seem as ridiculous as I am, which I'm not really interested in right now.
Mostly, I'm just tired of my circumstances. I'm tired of not having a car. I'm irritated with never having any money to do anything with. I'm sick of having to base my life around living with other people when what I really want is some solitude. I hate that I missed two classes last week because I was sick. I hate desperately trying to play catch-up when I can't because the work just keeps getting piled up higher and higher on top of me. I'm tired of doing favors for people who give me attitude or lip.
I guess I'm tired of everything. I wish that I didn't have to think or act or pay attention. It would suit me very well to simply slip away on my own. I'd love to live as a hermit in the woods for a while, shunning the physical and mental ardor that comes along with the expectations associated with being a part of a community. If I thought that going home would serve for me as some kind of small vacation, I might go there. However, it's much easier to be here than it is to be there for a large variety of reasons.
I suppose that I simply have a stunning lack of faith when it comes to other people. I would love to act like I have patience for everyone that happens my way, but the fact of the matter is that my patience is seriously limited. People never fail to disappoint me, but always fail to understand me. I don't know what's more frustrating to me: my anger with them for failing to understand me or my anger with myself for expecting that they might understand me.
Of course, this blog has predictably turned to brain vomit, but I'll go ahead and post it anyways. It's true to the blogosphere to post what you're really thinking. For now, this pessimistic drivel is what's swimming in my tired and pissy head. Sorry, world!
Today, I'm just feeling incredibly left out. I'm sure it seems awfully teenage and emo, but I guess blogging about it is my way of coping with it without having a childish breakdown or crying jag. I'm pretty sure that's on it's way at some point, though. Lord knows that I always manage to have a crying jag at the most inconvenient of times. Of course, all of these feelings were, in a way, precipitated by something even more childish than I'm feeling already, so it all serves to make me feel even more ridiculous. I don't really see any point in rehashing the whole situation in written form because it will just serve to make me seem as ridiculous as I am, which I'm not really interested in right now.
Mostly, I'm just tired of my circumstances. I'm tired of not having a car. I'm irritated with never having any money to do anything with. I'm sick of having to base my life around living with other people when what I really want is some solitude. I hate that I missed two classes last week because I was sick. I hate desperately trying to play catch-up when I can't because the work just keeps getting piled up higher and higher on top of me. I'm tired of doing favors for people who give me attitude or lip.
I guess I'm tired of everything. I wish that I didn't have to think or act or pay attention. It would suit me very well to simply slip away on my own. I'd love to live as a hermit in the woods for a while, shunning the physical and mental ardor that comes along with the expectations associated with being a part of a community. If I thought that going home would serve for me as some kind of small vacation, I might go there. However, it's much easier to be here than it is to be there for a large variety of reasons.
I suppose that I simply have a stunning lack of faith when it comes to other people. I would love to act like I have patience for everyone that happens my way, but the fact of the matter is that my patience is seriously limited. People never fail to disappoint me, but always fail to understand me. I don't know what's more frustrating to me: my anger with them for failing to understand me or my anger with myself for expecting that they might understand me.
Of course, this blog has predictably turned to brain vomit, but I'll go ahead and post it anyways. It's true to the blogosphere to post what you're really thinking. For now, this pessimistic drivel is what's swimming in my tired and pissy head. Sorry, world!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Return to the College Life
I have been back at the dorms since Friday evening. It's been nice to be surrounded by my friends again, but I'm surprised at how used to solitude I became during break. The thing I often take for granted about dorm living is how very few and far between any hours of solitude happen to be. There have been days when I haven't even been lucky enough to get a shower without a knock on the door, a call, a text message, or various other interruptions.
I guess I'm just having issues adjusting to the lack of personal space. Being away from the constant barrage of people and things to do and opinions to share and stories to tell sort of got me used to being able to do my own thing again. I forgot what it's like to have people want to be around me, want to share things with me, want to tell me their stories. Being in a sour mood almost makes me feel a little big guilty because I know they mean well and they want to share their joys and sorrows with me. Of the same token, I don't really know how to explain to them that, sometimes, I just need time to myself. Hopefully, classes starting will give me a decent excuse to retreat back into myself.
For some reason, I found myself in an especially foul mood this evening. There wasn't any particular reason. I missed all my girls, and I have enjoyed spending time with the new people that we've added to our group. I just found myself in a terrible mood, and there wasn't really any end to it. Of course, my roommates were accommodating and allowed me to bitch my black little heart out about it. That was nice. It's nice to have people to whom you can say all the mean things you think of without them judging you. Not that I'm all that scathing or witty--frankly, I've been too tired to be all that witty lately--but it's nice to give vent to all the socially unacceptable things that pop into my brain.
Mostly, I'm just ready for an end to all this collegiate nonsense. It would be really wonderful if someone could bestow upon me a degree for being myself. I'd really love to have a career based completely on Internet musings, critiques of other people's hard work, and a night-time lounge singing act. That's my pipe dream. Silly, considering the fact that I don't really sing acceptably well.
I guess I'm just having issues adjusting to the lack of personal space. Being away from the constant barrage of people and things to do and opinions to share and stories to tell sort of got me used to being able to do my own thing again. I forgot what it's like to have people want to be around me, want to share things with me, want to tell me their stories. Being in a sour mood almost makes me feel a little big guilty because I know they mean well and they want to share their joys and sorrows with me. Of the same token, I don't really know how to explain to them that, sometimes, I just need time to myself. Hopefully, classes starting will give me a decent excuse to retreat back into myself.
For some reason, I found myself in an especially foul mood this evening. There wasn't any particular reason. I missed all my girls, and I have enjoyed spending time with the new people that we've added to our group. I just found myself in a terrible mood, and there wasn't really any end to it. Of course, my roommates were accommodating and allowed me to bitch my black little heart out about it. That was nice. It's nice to have people to whom you can say all the mean things you think of without them judging you. Not that I'm all that scathing or witty--frankly, I've been too tired to be all that witty lately--but it's nice to give vent to all the socially unacceptable things that pop into my brain.
Mostly, I'm just ready for an end to all this collegiate nonsense. It would be really wonderful if someone could bestow upon me a degree for being myself. I'd really love to have a career based completely on Internet musings, critiques of other people's hard work, and a night-time lounge singing act. That's my pipe dream. Silly, considering the fact that I don't really sing acceptably well.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Health and Wellness
I'm pleased to announce that my general health is much improved. I'm still suffering some coughing and a slight bouts of troubled breathing, but it doesn't feel like anyone's sitting on my chest anymore. This is what I would call a victory.
On the subject of life in general, I'm definitely ready to return to the dorms. I love my family for the most part, but they are starting to wear very thin on my nerves. Very thin, indeed. Apart from some minor family annoyances or skirmishes, my life has been very boring. The major joy of my last few days has been loading my CDs into iTunes. With this done, I am satisfied. That's really been the only excitement of my week.
I'd love to talk about the majority of the things that are on my mind lately, but I'm not really sure that they're entirely appropriate to blog about. Frankly, I'm totally amused by a situation that has gone down between me and someone that I thought was my friend who I have blogged about here before, AW. To say that I have not been injured would be a total lie, but to say that I'm hurt to the extent that he and others probably think I am is a total falsehood as well. More ore less, I'm actually kind of laughing about it. My reasons for that would require explanation and back-story, but I'm sure they're not what you're thinking.
I know it's awkward to mention a situation and not explain it, but it's a lot more personal than it seems. And, quite honestly, I don't know if AW reads this blog, and I don't want to write something that seems like it was intended to be scathing or hurtful. I don't want to be scathing or hurtful, but I know that's how my thoughts will come across, so it's probably best to not put them out there. More than that, this a blog for me. Not a blog for my responses to people who have irked me, hurt me, pissed me off, whatever. (Don't get me wrong, I know it becomes that from time to time, but it's not the actual intent.) Plus, I'm just not that upset about it. For a plethora of reasons. It's not as big a letdown as I think he thought it would be.
This is the part of the blog where you think to yourself, "Wow. Jessica might be growing up a little..." Hopefully, you are right.
I'd love to say that I have it in me to drop some great truth or say something deep and meaningful right now, but I don't. Not really. That said, I think I'm going to take my sense of moral superiority off to bed. Extra rest should help me kick the cough a little faster. I leave you with this little joy because it's oddly fitting.
On the subject of life in general, I'm definitely ready to return to the dorms. I love my family for the most part, but they are starting to wear very thin on my nerves. Very thin, indeed. Apart from some minor family annoyances or skirmishes, my life has been very boring. The major joy of my last few days has been loading my CDs into iTunes. With this done, I am satisfied. That's really been the only excitement of my week.
I'd love to talk about the majority of the things that are on my mind lately, but I'm not really sure that they're entirely appropriate to blog about. Frankly, I'm totally amused by a situation that has gone down between me and someone that I thought was my friend who I have blogged about here before, AW. To say that I have not been injured would be a total lie, but to say that I'm hurt to the extent that he and others probably think I am is a total falsehood as well. More ore less, I'm actually kind of laughing about it. My reasons for that would require explanation and back-story, but I'm sure they're not what you're thinking.
I know it's awkward to mention a situation and not explain it, but it's a lot more personal than it seems. And, quite honestly, I don't know if AW reads this blog, and I don't want to write something that seems like it was intended to be scathing or hurtful. I don't want to be scathing or hurtful, but I know that's how my thoughts will come across, so it's probably best to not put them out there. More than that, this a blog for me. Not a blog for my responses to people who have irked me, hurt me, pissed me off, whatever. (Don't get me wrong, I know it becomes that from time to time, but it's not the actual intent.) Plus, I'm just not that upset about it. For a plethora of reasons. It's not as big a letdown as I think he thought it would be.
This is the part of the blog where you think to yourself, "Wow. Jessica might be growing up a little..." Hopefully, you are right.
I'd love to say that I have it in me to drop some great truth or say something deep and meaningful right now, but I don't. Not really. That said, I think I'm going to take my sense of moral superiority off to bed. Extra rest should help me kick the cough a little faster. I leave you with this little joy because it's oddly fitting.
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