Internets and Disenchantment

After being without internet for several days, having the internet back at my fingertips is kind of a blessing. I suppose I didn't really realize how dependent I was on the web for entertainment until I didn't have it around for a few days. I'm not incapable of surviving, but trivial knowledge was much harder to come by. (We found ourselves saying, "Well, I'd get online and google it, but..." a lot!) Our internet and phone service was down and we were missing several cable channels (and by several, I mean something like half) because of a service problem in our area.

I will say one thing, however. I was reluctant to purchase my Android phone because I was certain I'd never use it that often, and I was sure that many of its features would be wasted on me. I no longer fear that with my phone. My phone was the only internet connection in the house while it was down, and I was never more glad to have gotten an Android phone than I was these last few days. My phone kept me connected to Facebook and Twitter. While I didn't peruse those things with the same eye that I would have had I been sitting at my laptop, it was nice to have the ability to be on the social network despite the at-home technical malfunctions.

Upon having the world at my leisurely access again, I started looking a little more at Vancouver and UBC. I'm not going to lie, I'm afraid that I'm not going to have the money to go there like I want. I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to afford school there at all, let alone housing and transportation and incidentals. Of course, I'm devastated at that prospect because I want to be in Vancouver more than I've ever wanted anything, really. I need to figure out this money situation, and I need to do it now so that I can save up for grad school. I need a car and a job, and I needed them yesterday.

I'm not trying to be bitter about my life, but I'm pretty sure that no one ever told me when I was a child that the entirety of my adult life would be spent struggling to make ends even come near meeting, let alone focusing on fulfilling my dreams. If someone would have just told me that I would be miserable no matter how hard I tried, I might not feel quite so cheated right now. But then, I don't suppose that any amount of preparation--proper or otherwise--could really prepare a person for the harsh realities of life.

It's just that, as a child, people always tell you that you can be whatever you want to be. They don't tell you that you'll never be able to afford to be what you want to be. They don't tell you that, even if you do pull off the money to be what you want to be, it's not going to be what you thought it would be and you'll end up disillusioned. No one prepares you for the let down. They build you up with all of these magnificent possibilities, but they don't tell you how impossible those are to achieve. They don't tell you about the let-down.

I realize that I'm being terribly pessimistic because I'm not sure I'm going to get what I want. It's just that I'm a little crestfallen right now. I'm still going to strive for what I want. I'm still going to do my best to make it happen. I'm just feeling the burden of how incredibly difficult that's going to be right now. I need advice. How do you make the world cough up the life that you want? Ah, why couldn't I just get a trust fund and have everything handed to me?! Woe to the unfairness of life!

Don't mind my whining. Give me a few days. It'll pass. I just need to find my motivation again. I need to find the desire to dust myself off and give it all that I have. And I need to face the dark reality that I'm going to be doing that without anyone else's support, fiscally or otherwise. It's going to be scary and difficult and I might not like it at all, but that's how it's going to be. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go ponder the hysterical and radical magnitude of the fact that Lindsey Lohan has enough money to do drugs until the cows come home, but I can't afford to go to school to better myself. Good one, Jesus!

Oh...Canada?

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the future. I've been thinking about what it is that I want to do with myself, where I want to be, and where I see myself. I've been thinking about Canada.

I realize that this may seem random, but let's chat about that. You see, I've always wanted to live in a more major metro area. I like the idea of a city that never sleeps, the idea of being able to go out at 4 AM and know that I'll find people and I'll have something to do. What I don't like about most cities in the United States is how unsafe they are. Plus, let's be honest here, Citizens: people in the U.S. are a little bit twisted. Canada is safer. Canadians respect each other. Sure, there are bad eggs, but Canadians don't really have the same kind of rudeness that we have here in the States. It's just different.

That's not the only reason that Canada appeals to me, and I'm sure that, at this point, I'm not really seeming any less random. It's just that Canada feels like possibility. Canada feels like America but better. I could see myself living in Canada. I could see myself being able to thrive there. Canada could be the place that turns my life around. I've been wanting to go there for a while now. We visited Niagara and Toronto when I was about 12, and they were amazing cities. I would go back in a heartbeat. I don't have to explain all the great reasons to live in Canada or why it matters to me. I guess I just really need to put it out there to the universe that this is what I want.

I really need to start over, and I think I'd like to do that somewhere completely different. I need things to change so much. I know I have a ways to go before I'll be out of school here in Ohio, so I'm thinking that maybe Canada will have to wait until I'm ready for grad school. Yet, I think grad school will be the perfect opportunity to make that happen for me. I've been looking at graduate schools in Canada, more specifically in Vancouver. The University of British Columbia is in Vancouver, and they have a pretty good rating in Canada. Not only that, but they have MA and Ph.D. programs in English.

The more I think about going, the more scary the prospect becomes, though. I'd be starting a life (or, at the very least, a new chapter of my life) in a totally unfamiliar place--not just city-wise, but country-wise. I wouldn't know anyone there. I wouldn't know the best places to shop or who to talk to if I have car or computer troubles. I'd have to discover everything. Completely. As much as that idea appeals to me, it's also terrifying to think that I would be--for the first time in my life--totally without a safety net. Canada is also a pretty expensive place to live, so it's a pretty daunting task to go there and try to make it on my own.

For some reason, though, I can't get the idea of moving to Vancouver out of my head. It's where I want to be. It's calling me. As unnerving as it is to face the idea of heading to another country, it's even more intimidating to have to face myself and my own disappointment if I completely ignore my urge to follow my dreams. Going to grad school, going to Vancouver, those are definitely my dreams. I don't want to wait until I'm 40 to have my self-actualization moment. I want to have the courage to do these things while I'm still young enough to love them and have plenty of time to look back on them and rejoice having had those experiences.

I just need to do something for myself. I need to do what makes me happy, and I really think that this would. Does this seem selfish? Should I care if it does? I mean, at the end of the day, this is my life and I'm the one that has to be happy with it. Ultimately, it's me that has to live with me. I don't want to regret not doing this for the rest of my life. I want to do it. I want to make it happen. Is that so wrong of me?