My Spring semester at Lourdes has come to a close. It was much more difficult than I had thought it would be, and in many ways, more rewarding to finish it than I could ever have assumed it would be. During my semester, I started counseling, which has been both good and bad. It was, above all, certainly needed. My counselor has been pretty amazing, and it's nice to have a place to go to spill one's guts. There is a therapeutic value to being able to allow your feelings to gush forth like water from a broken pipe. (I fought the urge there, for the record, to compare it to blood and veins, but then I thought I might be giving the wrong impression, what with the mention of counseling in the very same paragraph and all.)
Being out of the dorms is both wonderful and awful. I made some great friends there, and I will miss them greatly. The drama, on the other hand, was getting to be a little too much to handle with my sanity in tact. Being home is imperfect, but it's also temporary. I'm almost hesitant to unpack my things because it feels like the time I spent living with all my friends at the dorms will truly be at an end. It also feels like the weight of the choices that face me will crush me.
Choice is big for me right now. I have to choose where to live, choose what to do with friends, choose what to do with my marriage, choose what to do in difficult situations, choose to stay sober. Every time I turn around, there's another tough call to make, another situation that requires the full magnitude of all of my thought. Staying sober has been difficult in all of this, but it's also been great. I am, in the face of all the questions I get day-to-day (from everyone, including my counselor), still sober. In a little less than a month, it'll be six months sober for me. While I don't go to AA or anything (yet...), I still feel pretty accomplished.
Mostly, I just wanted to update this blog before going to sleep. I know it's been a while, but I'm still here. I'm still hanging in. I'll expand on feelings-type crap tomorrow. For now, I'm content to still be. And to get a little sleep.
Showing posts with label dorms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dorms. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, August 16, 2010
Explanations and Weekend Excursions
I mentioned on Sunday that I would explain why one of my letter project posts was so late. Saturday, I took a trip over to Indiana to spend the day with my husband. There has been a plethora of family drama surrounding that little trip. Personally, I just wish that I could have spent a little more time with him without the pressure of having to meet a time limit imposed by a family member. It would have been nice to have time to relax, chill, and just sort of hang out for a while--maybe even take a nap (you know how I love to nap!).
It was nice to have some time together for the first time in well over a month. We went out to lunch together, watched Blade Runner, and just kinda chatted. I dozed off a little bit a few times. It would have been nicer if I hadn't been so tired, but we had to leave early so that I could maximize my time. I brought him a teddy bear wearing a t-shirt that read "Someone from Lourdes L<3VES Me!" which I purchased for him when I bought my text books and sprayed with my perfume. In an effort to feel a little more connected, I've sprayed a little penguin that he bought me at Owens with his cologne. I realize that that sounds cheesy and a little bit pathetic, but I think it makes it a little bit easier to adjust to the loneliness.
Surprisingly, my mother has been supportive about the whole situation. My little brother has been cool about it. My dad, in a startling twist, has been kind of a douche about it. Mostly, I'm just really ready to be alone. I'm ready for dorm life just so that I don't have to answer questions about it or defend my feelings--not that all of them are asking that of me. It's just that it gets super wearing, even if it's only coming from one person. It just makes me feel so tired, like I could sleep for weeks.
Today, I've been full of tears. It's been awful. I'm sure that it has a great deal to do with being menstrual right now, but I really can't stand myself when I get like this. I cry at everything. I had to struggle not to cry when I wrote my letter blog earlier. I had to struggle not to cry while listening to Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here." Hell, I'll be honest about it, I'm struggling not to cry right now, and I don't really even have anything to cry about! I wish it could all be blamed on female hormones, but I think stress has a little something to do with it as well.
Friday, I move into the dorms. I'm nervous, excited, and a plethora of other emotions about it. My roommate seems like a pretty nice girl. She's pretty quiet, but I'm confident that we'll get along. I met up with her and her fiance last week. They both seem like they'll be fairly easy for me to get along with--and I say both because I get the impression that he'll be spending a lot of time around, which is totally fine with me. There's potential that we might have a third roommate with us, but so far, we haven't had any more notifications about that. I also have to keep studying, finish packing, and do some dorm room shopping all before Friday morning, when I move in. My dad also wants me to work on stupid data entry crap too. Frankly, I'm starting to freak out about how little time I have left to get my shit together.
I'm pretty sure, though, given my teary state--because, let's face it, I'm acting like the poster child for female hysteria--that I need to get some rest. At the very least, I ought to lie down and explore the idea of taking some quiet time for myself. We used to have Quiet Time as children. We couldn't leave our rooms and we had to be quiet, but we didn't have to take naps. We just had to be quiet. I did a lot of reading and thinking back then. I remember wondering what it would be like when I was a grown up, when I got married, wondering what it was like to be in love. Maybe Quiet Time is a good idea for adult. There should be mandatory afternoon Quiet Time in offices, I think. We might be a much more well adjusted society if we could observe that.
In fact, I think I'll go observe a little bit of my own quiet time right now...
It was nice to have some time together for the first time in well over a month. We went out to lunch together, watched Blade Runner, and just kinda chatted. I dozed off a little bit a few times. It would have been nicer if I hadn't been so tired, but we had to leave early so that I could maximize my time. I brought him a teddy bear wearing a t-shirt that read "Someone from Lourdes L<3VES Me!" which I purchased for him when I bought my text books and sprayed with my perfume. In an effort to feel a little more connected, I've sprayed a little penguin that he bought me at Owens with his cologne. I realize that that sounds cheesy and a little bit pathetic, but I think it makes it a little bit easier to adjust to the loneliness.
 |
| The bear, being held by JJ. We're calling him Francis because Lourdes is a Franciscan college. |
Surprisingly, my mother has been supportive about the whole situation. My little brother has been cool about it. My dad, in a startling twist, has been kind of a douche about it. Mostly, I'm just really ready to be alone. I'm ready for dorm life just so that I don't have to answer questions about it or defend my feelings--not that all of them are asking that of me. It's just that it gets super wearing, even if it's only coming from one person. It just makes me feel so tired, like I could sleep for weeks.
Today, I've been full of tears. It's been awful. I'm sure that it has a great deal to do with being menstrual right now, but I really can't stand myself when I get like this. I cry at everything. I had to struggle not to cry when I wrote my letter blog earlier. I had to struggle not to cry while listening to Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here." Hell, I'll be honest about it, I'm struggling not to cry right now, and I don't really even have anything to cry about! I wish it could all be blamed on female hormones, but I think stress has a little something to do with it as well.
Friday, I move into the dorms. I'm nervous, excited, and a plethora of other emotions about it. My roommate seems like a pretty nice girl. She's pretty quiet, but I'm confident that we'll get along. I met up with her and her fiance last week. They both seem like they'll be fairly easy for me to get along with--and I say both because I get the impression that he'll be spending a lot of time around, which is totally fine with me. There's potential that we might have a third roommate with us, but so far, we haven't had any more notifications about that. I also have to keep studying, finish packing, and do some dorm room shopping all before Friday morning, when I move in. My dad also wants me to work on stupid data entry crap too. Frankly, I'm starting to freak out about how little time I have left to get my shit together.
I'm pretty sure, though, given my teary state--because, let's face it, I'm acting like the poster child for female hysteria--that I need to get some rest. At the very least, I ought to lie down and explore the idea of taking some quiet time for myself. We used to have Quiet Time as children. We couldn't leave our rooms and we had to be quiet, but we didn't have to take naps. We just had to be quiet. I did a lot of reading and thinking back then. I remember wondering what it would be like when I was a grown up, when I got married, wondering what it was like to be in love. Maybe Quiet Time is a good idea for adult. There should be mandatory afternoon Quiet Time in offices, I think. We might be a much more well adjusted society if we could observe that.
In fact, I think I'll go observe a little bit of my own quiet time right now...
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Losing My Cool
At the risk of surrendering some of my hard-won cool points, I am forced to admit that I am a fan of the Twilight saga. Not a HUGE fan. Don't get me wrong. I don't have tattoos or t-shirts or jewelry or anything, but I did toy with the idea of buying a Team Jacob water bottle. However, due to my Twilight love--mostly, my love of Taylor Lautner, if we're being really honest--my husband decided that we needed to go see Eclipse tonight.
I was kind of surprised because I'm pretty sure that JJ actually hates Twilight. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if he did, to be honest. I spent an awful lot of time gushing about it when I first read it. I have to imagine that it's easy for men to hate that which they hear too much about from starry-eyed women.
Let me just say that tonight's excursion was an exercise in frustration and self-loathing. I'm pretty sure that JJ and I were the oldest ones at the theater besides the parental units who were morally obligated to accompany their underage children. I'm also pretty sure that we were the only ones that weren't content to giggle like babies during the whole movie. Most of the things that they giggled about weren't even that funny. Mostly, what I really enjoyed about the movie was the shirtless Taylor Lautner. (Let me just say this: I understand that I'm older than him. That's okay with me. He's ADORABLE.)
The longer we sat around the teeny-boppers, the more I thought, "What am I doing here?! Why are we here on the second night of this movie at an evening showing?" Next time, JJ and I will behave like the old people that we are and see this on like a Thursday at 3 PM or something. No more regular show times. It made me feel just a little bit too pathetic.
On the amusing side, I got to witness a young man full-on crying because of the movie. I thought it was the girl next to me at first, but I could see her face. No tears were shining. It was the Hispanic guy next to her. As we left, JJ spotted a beer bottle on the floor where they had been sitting. We might be inclined to chalk his emotions up to the alcohol he may or may not have consumed, but I'm pretty sure that he was just overcome by the sweet, sweet emotion of Robert Pattinson proposing. Or maybe it was Taylor Lautner's abs. I'd cry about those too. They're basically perfection.
On the upside of the night, JJ and I were able to have a discussion about the things that I feel like I'm missing out on. For example, having a dorm room experience at college. I really want that. I know it's something that doesn't please him, and it complicates things. I just don't want to look back on these years and have regrets. I know I'd regret it if I never ever tried to live in a dorm. It just seems so vital to the college experience. I want that!
We also discussed the fact that I've reached a point in my life now where I was a teenager a decade ago. I remember things from a decade ago quite clearly. Hell, I can say that we took vacations to places OVER a decade ago. This, for some ugly reason, makes me feel old. Compound that with my Eclipse experience and you can see that I've had a fairly disheartening age day.
Despite my age-related disillusionment, I've had a pretty good day. I got out of the house, which was quite nice. Very needed!
I was kind of surprised because I'm pretty sure that JJ actually hates Twilight. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if he did, to be honest. I spent an awful lot of time gushing about it when I first read it. I have to imagine that it's easy for men to hate that which they hear too much about from starry-eyed women.
Let me just say that tonight's excursion was an exercise in frustration and self-loathing. I'm pretty sure that JJ and I were the oldest ones at the theater besides the parental units who were morally obligated to accompany their underage children. I'm also pretty sure that we were the only ones that weren't content to giggle like babies during the whole movie. Most of the things that they giggled about weren't even that funny. Mostly, what I really enjoyed about the movie was the shirtless Taylor Lautner. (Let me just say this: I understand that I'm older than him. That's okay with me. He's ADORABLE.)
The longer we sat around the teeny-boppers, the more I thought, "What am I doing here?! Why are we here on the second night of this movie at an evening showing?" Next time, JJ and I will behave like the old people that we are and see this on like a Thursday at 3 PM or something. No more regular show times. It made me feel just a little bit too pathetic.
On the amusing side, I got to witness a young man full-on crying because of the movie. I thought it was the girl next to me at first, but I could see her face. No tears were shining. It was the Hispanic guy next to her. As we left, JJ spotted a beer bottle on the floor where they had been sitting. We might be inclined to chalk his emotions up to the alcohol he may or may not have consumed, but I'm pretty sure that he was just overcome by the sweet, sweet emotion of Robert Pattinson proposing. Or maybe it was Taylor Lautner's abs. I'd cry about those too. They're basically perfection.
On the upside of the night, JJ and I were able to have a discussion about the things that I feel like I'm missing out on. For example, having a dorm room experience at college. I really want that. I know it's something that doesn't please him, and it complicates things. I just don't want to look back on these years and have regrets. I know I'd regret it if I never ever tried to live in a dorm. It just seems so vital to the college experience. I want that!
We also discussed the fact that I've reached a point in my life now where I was a teenager a decade ago. I remember things from a decade ago quite clearly. Hell, I can say that we took vacations to places OVER a decade ago. This, for some ugly reason, makes me feel old. Compound that with my Eclipse experience and you can see that I've had a fairly disheartening age day.
Despite my age-related disillusionment, I've had a pretty good day. I got out of the house, which was quite nice. Very needed!
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