Destructive Urges

My life is changing rapidly before me. I'm starting to feel like all of my nights alone in this giant bed are spent in the strangest of ways. One night, I'm talking to AW. Later, I'm talking to JJ. Maybe I'm surfing LiveJournal or Blogger. Maybe I'm checking out stupid YouTube videos until 5 AM. I spend so many nights so strangely.

I feel so much like I need to change things even further. While the rest of my world spirals further beyond my control, I yearn for the things that I could do to make my life make sense again. I feel like doing something reckless. I feel like doing something strange.

I want to get my nipples pierced again. I've been thinking a lot about it. Nipple piercings were secretly sexy. They were something that I did for myself so that I could feel in control and bad and sexy all at the same time. I think I need to reconnect with THAT Jessica. Through my life, the only thing that I regret is not getting a little bit wilder, being a little bit crazier. I should have been more brazen in high school. I shouldn't have settled down so quickly. I should be in the middle of a series of terrible decisions that I lovingly refer to as my early twenties.

I feel the compulsion to dye my hair again too. I want Nick to cut it again in the style that I had before. Maybe we can dye it black with some bright red streaks. I need something dark, something daring. I want something bold. I want to be bold.

There's only one thing that I'm sure of in my life right now: I need some change. I'm starting to feel manic about it, possessed with it. I need my life to be different. I need to be in control again.