Internet Dreamin' (To The Tune of California Dreamin')

In the interest of writing a real blog (which I seem to have yet to do since the letter-writing excursion), I opted to take a moment here to write about a dream that I just had. To be clear, a friend of mine invited me out for the first time since JJ and I separated tonight. Eager to get out of the house and have some fucking fun, I agreed. I'm sure I don't need to say it, but in the interest of clarity, here's the important fact: there was a lot of alcohol consumed tonight. In fact, I haven't gotten that drunk in quite some time. It's nice, but it's not nice at the same time.

When I got home, I got online to update Twitter and blog. JJ was online. Of course, talking turned into fighting. I'm not a very good fighter when I'm drunk. I'm also sad to report that it really kills any kind of pleasant buzz that you have going to be fighting while you're drunk. The downside is that then the alcohol turns on you, and you just feel pathetic, worthless, used up, and ruinous...or maybe that's just me?

So, resigned to my fate of being the worst wife and human being on the face of planet Earth, I lay me down to sleep. I awakened myself only a few minutes ago with pathetic dreams, and I do mean pathetic. For example, the first thing that I dreamt about was responding to other people's tweets on Twitter. Let me repeat that: I dreamt about fucking Twitter, for Christ's sakes. My next dream included me talking about my blog. When someone asked what it was about, I responded by saying, "It's a about a woman who wishes she could be someone else and all the lives that she destroys." Apparently, this is how I'm describing myself these days. Fantastic.

There's really something just the littlest bit pathological about describing yourself that way in a dream. That's deep-seated. I'm really uncomfortable with that. When I'm describing myself as a life-ruiner even in my dreams, we have problems. Big ones. Clearly, I can't keep doing this. I know why I keep feeling this way, and I can't keep it up. Something has to change. I really need to isolate for a little while.

For now, I'm going back to sleep. I'll try not to dream myself into any more self-esteem problems.