Day Six: Stranger

Stranger,

My first inclination with this letter was to write to you in an elaborately cobbled-together mesh of brilliant song lyrics. However, because I waited to write this until the wee hours of the morn, that will not be happening. It's not that you're not worth it, Stranger. It's simply that it would take a lot of time and effort on my part to put together something cohesive and as brilliant as I want to be. It would take me quite a long time to be happy with my work. Alas, we don't have that kind of time. Also, I lack the necessary energy and creativity.

Instead, I have opted to follow a list format. Here are the things that you'll need to know to get along with me. Also, sprinkled in is some free advice (like that one about spandex--you'll see!) and some random Jessica factoids. Enjoy!

• The quickest way to irk me is to challenge me somehow.
• Once challenged, I will go for broke--usually in the ugliest way possible. NEVER challenge me if you'd like to be friends.
• I have a softer, romantic-comedy type side, but you will never see it if you make fun of my love of feminine things.
• I like pink.
• Generally, it is poor form to tell someone that they look terrible. This is especially true if it occurs in the late hours of the night or the early hours of the morning.
• Never say, "God, what's wrong with you?!" It is impolite to insinuate that I have a problem. In fact, if I didn't have a problem before you asked me that question, I have one now.
• Spandex is never acceptable.
• Children are usually unwelcome in my presence. This may be amended for the well-behaved.
• Obsession du jour: Marianas Trench. Don't insult the Trench.
• I have a weakness for Degrassi, a Canadian teen drama. Don't you judge me, dammit.
• I can forgive just about any negative qualities in a person who has the ability to make me laugh. Humor is very important.
• Smelling good is vital. Deodorant is not expensive, people.
• Poor grammar or vocabulary KILLS me. Please be intelligent or fake it until you make it.
• I still believe in love. Real, true, sweep-you-off-your-feet love.
• Always be honest with me. You may be an excellent liar, but I will always find out the truth. Always. This never fails. And, once I find out that you have lied, it will go badly for you. Very badly.
• I can be a tad on the melodramatic sometimes. Usually, if you just let me bitch for about fifteen minutes, this will go away. Just be patient.
• I don't trust people. Not at all. I will always assume that you are lying until you can prove that you are not. This is especially true of people that claim to like or love me.
• I love to read.
• One of my biggest pet peeves is when people attempt to speak to me while I'm on the phone. If you see a phone stuck to my face and you're not on fire, wait until I'm done with my conversation.
• I love getting flowers, but I never feel like I deserve them.
• I love hand-written letters. I feel like there's an art to sitting down and actually writing a letter which has fallen by the wayside.
• The Harlequin romance-esque idea of the strong, manly, cowboy type is appealing to me--in the basest of ways.
• I love a man that can sing.
• I like dancing, but never enough to do it in public.
• I know that I can't really sing that well, but I love it when people make me feel like I'm good at it.
• If you have an urge to insinuate that women are of lesser value than men, keep yourself from doing it in my presence.

I'm pretty sure that these are the most vital advice, facts, and tips for getting along with me that I can offer right now. I mean, half the fun of getting to know someone is discovering what makes them tick, right? If that's your goal with me, good luck! It'll take time, and it will be hard-won. In the end, however, I like to think that it will be worth it.

Web Traffick--A Blog About Blogging

In an effort to be more internet savvy, I've taken some steps to monitor my blog. Unlike my last technological failure, I actually figured out how to do things with HTML code (I know, you're impressed. I am too, quite frankly). Turns out, it's all in reading the directions. When you stop and do that, you might actually have some success. Also, I fumbled around until I actually got somewhere with it.

First step, I got my webmaster tools working. That, of course, doesn't mean I actually know what to do with them, but they work! Second step, Google Analytics. Why? Because I have a need to see how many people actually read this blog. The answer is three--just in case you were wondering. They spent an average of three minutes per visit.

Of course, doing this had me thinking about what I could possibly do to boost my readership. So, I joined BlogHer. I'm somewhat incredulous about being one of those people that constantly tweets or Facebook updates about their blog posts, but it seems to work for some people. I mean, I do check the updates when others tweet about them. I worry about overstaying my friendlist welcome--chalk it up to low self-esteem.

I did, however, put some serious thought into what I like in another blog. (Yes, that's right. Behold the irony! I am blogging about blogging. I have become a parody of myself.) I thought I might compile a list of what attracts me to other people's blogs:

• Sex--it may be juvenile, but it works, okay? You mention cocks or tits and I'm listening. Just sayin'! (This is as open an invitation as you can get, internet. Pour some perversity on me--and not in a gross, bukkake sort of way, either.)
• Humor. If you're funny, I'm into it. In a big way.
• Photography or pictures. Call me third grade here, but what makes a person pay attention more than a picture of what someone else is actually talking about? You're blogging about food? Awesome. Pictures, please. Sex? Pictures, please. Life in general? Pictures, please.
• Lists. Whether they be top tens or bullet points, I love a simple break-down. (See here? I even take my own advice.)
• Foreign things. I love other cultures--especially Asian cultures. If there's a decently written blog about another country or travel or life abroad, I'll read it.
• Single life. Chalk this one up to my being married and living vicariously through the sexual misadventures and misgivings of others.
• LGBTQA life. Almost all of my friends are gay. My favorite bars are gay bars (or at least have a very strong metrosexual vibe). I would totally be with a woman--I was looking for a relationship with a woman when I met my husband (Figure out whether he should be insulted or flattered by that one!). Part of me wants a glimpse into the life I missed out on. Part of me wants to support members of the LGBTQA community. It's a balance, really.

 How can this all be rolled into one? Maybe if we talked about the gay sex scene in Japan for a single woman looking to make some lists and laugh at some photos. If that blog existed, I'd follow it through blogger, twitter, facebook, and whatever else I could find. I'd bookmark that shit, and I seldom find anything worth bookmarking.

Anyways, I'm taking some steps. We'll see how it goes.