My first inclination with this letter was to write to you in an elaborately cobbled-together mesh of brilliant song lyrics. However, because I waited to write this until the wee hours of the morn, that will not be happening. It's not that you're not worth it, Stranger. It's simply that it would take a lot of time and effort on my part to put together something cohesive and as brilliant as I want to be. It would take me quite a long time to be happy with my work. Alas, we don't have that kind of time. Also, I lack the necessary energy and creativity.
Instead, I have opted to follow a list format. Here are the things that you'll need to know to get along with me. Also, sprinkled in is some free advice (like that one about spandex--you'll see!) and some random Jessica factoids. Enjoy!
- The quickest way to irk me is to challenge me somehow.
- Once challenged, I will go for broke--usually in the ugliest way possible. NEVER challenge me if you'd like to be friends.
- I have a softer, romantic-comedy type side, but you will never see it if you make fun of my love of feminine things.
- I like pink.
- Generally, it is poor form to tell someone that they look terrible. This is especially true if it occurs in the late hours of the night or the early hours of the morning.
- Never say, "God, what's wrong with you?!" It is impolite to insinuate that I have a problem. In fact, if I didn't have a problem before you asked me that question, I have one now.
- Spandex is never acceptable.
- Children are usually unwelcome in my presence. This may be amended for the well-behaved.
- Obsession du jour: Marianas Trench. Don't insult the Trench.
- I have a weakness for Degrassi, a Canadian teen drama. Don't you judge me, dammit.
- I can forgive just about any negative qualities in a person who has the ability to make me laugh. Humor is very important.
- Smelling good is vital. Deodorant is not expensive, people.
- Poor grammar or vocabulary KILLS me. Please be intelligent or fake it until you make it.
- I still believe in love. Real, true, sweep-you-off-your-feet love.
- Always be honest with me. You may be an excellent liar, but I will always find out the truth. Always. This never fails. And, once I find out that you have lied, it will go badly for you. Very badly.
- I can be a tad on the melodramatic sometimes. Usually, if you just let me bitch for about fifteen minutes, this will go away. Just be patient.
- I don't trust people. Not at all. I will always assume that you are lying until you can prove that you are not. This is especially true of people that claim to like or love me.
- I love to read.
- One of my biggest pet peeves is when people attempt to speak to me while I'm on the phone. If you see a phone stuck to my face and you're not on fire, wait until I'm done with my conversation.
- I love getting flowers, but I never feel like I deserve them.
- I love hand-written letters. I feel like there's an art to sitting down and actually writing a letter which has fallen by the wayside.
- The Harlequin romance-esque idea of the strong, manly, cowboy type is appealing to me--in the basest of ways.
- I love a man that can sing.
- I like dancing, but never enough to do it in public.
- I know that I can't really sing that well, but I love it when people make me feel like I'm good at it.
- If you have an urge to insinuate that women are of lesser value than men, keep yourself from doing it in my presence.
