As we speak, I am putting off what I could be doing right now. Mostly because I just can't seem to gather my thoughts. And, as the old saying goes, "Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?"
My teeth (or lack thereof) and jaw are feeling much better today. Only one of the sockets is still a little on the ache-y side. My head is much clearer. School is going well so far. Finals are next week, so I'm a little freaked out about that. I feel like I still have so much to do--like the pharmaceutical project I'm putting off in lieu of screwing around on the Internet and arbitrarily wasting my time. In my defense, however, Percocet--while fun to take--is crap to write about.
I just finished reading Julie & Julia by Julie Powell this morning. I have to say, I enjoyed it immensely! My aunt, Maria, awesome woman that she is, lent it to me. She's witty in a way that makes her reader think, "Oh my God, me too!" as they progress through her novel. I loved every page of it. In fact, I am seriously considering purchasing her second book, Cleaving: A Story of Marriage, Meat, and Obsession.
The interesting effect that Julie Powell has on me is that she makes me want to cook. This, of course, is thwarted by the fact that (1) I don't cook for my family because they are never grateful for it, (2) I don't cook for others because it never ends up being worth the stress, and (3) I don't particularly like the heat and the movement and the effort all for something someone else is just going to scarf down without even noticing. Mostly, I think it's due to the kinship that I feel for Julie Powell. I'm certain that I would never be able to get that across in a conversation with her without seeming the creepy stalker.
At any rate, a renewed focus is necessary. My sleepy husband is getting pissy with me, which I have little patience for. Plus, I'd kind of like to sleep at some point.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Thanksgiving Weekend and a Lack of Witty Titles
My week has been a long one, Reader. First, I had school and work on Monday. However, blissfully, we didn't have any classes for the rest of the week. In fact, the campus is closed until this coming Monday. Unfortunately, as I may have previously mentioned, I was scheduled for a wisdom tooth extraction on Tuesday morning--the 24th, for those keeping track.
Loyal to my word, I didn't eat or drink after midnight the night before. I showered and brushed my teeth the morning of and took my two Valium with a sip of water as required. (I mentioned that I was freaked out at the idea of surgery, the doctor handed me a prescription. What ever happened to calming words? Better living through chemistry, I suppose.) When we got to the office, I was feeling pretty damned mellow. In fact, I can easily see how so many people can enjoy Valium. You're coherent. There's no drug fog. You just don't really care about much of anything. There's no anxiety. There's no feeling. You just kinda are.
I was hooked up to several annoying, beeping machines. I was left in the room with my husband. The doctor finally came in and tried to get a vein so they could give me the sodium pentathol. First, I have to mention that his technique was awful. For a man who spends much of his time giving injections, he was really really bad at finding my vein. In fact, he did the worst thing ever, which was smack the spots on my arms and hands that he was trying to find them. Other than the amazing ability to piss off a patient, this technique also boasts the joy of actually making veins HARDER to find. Smart, doc. Somewhere after that injection, I recall something being fitted over my face. After that, I don't recall.
What I do recall, however, is waking up during the procedure to intense pain. I was waking up while they were still pulling teeth!! With fingers and instruments in my mouth, I couldn't do much other than moan, but it was enough to get the message across. I couldn't really open my eyes. I heard them tell me that I was doing great and that it was almost over--is that just something people tell you in the midst of pain? I distinctly recall having heard those words associated with childbirth as well--and then I was waking up later. I recall asking to see my teeth and being told that someone else already took them out of the room. (Hell, I figure if I had to pay $1400 to have them removed, the least you could do is show the bitches to me, right?!) Then, I was being walked to a recovery room.
I was surprisingly awake afterward. My mouth was numb, which all the nurses and people knew, and yet they insisted on asking me questions. Really? How in the hell do you expect me to respond when I can't feel my tongue and my mouth is stuffed with cotton?! But, you make the requisite noises in response and the struggle to understand what you said that ensues you have the misfortune of trying to find vaguely comical somehow. I bled for the rest of the day, but I slept pretty damned well.
The pain hasn't been that bad. The doctor gave me percocet, roxan, and clindamycin to have filled before the day of the surgery. All I had to do was take them when I got home. He also gave me an additional prescription for darvocet. I was thinking they were crazy during the first few days because the pain wasn't bad enough to warrant another round of narcotics. Now, however, I think I'm changing my mind. The pain is a little bit worse, but it's not the sockets themselves. It's all the surrounding tissues. Even my sinuses ache. I'm a little worried about dry socket, which doesn't seem to be happening, but I'll worry until I know more because that's just how I am. At any rate, if the pain doesn't significantly lessen by the time Tuesday rolls back around, I'll be calling their offices. As it stands, ice packs and heat are helping, so I'm not too worked up about it.
Thanksgiving wasn't all that bad. I had anticipated that things would be much much worse. My father had been angry with the family for a few days before. I don't blame him. Things get too crazy around here. But, of course, because he was upset, they had to be upset too. Then, we play the game where we try to pull everyone else into the middle. Mostly, I just don't care to hear it. I get really tired of the attitudes. I work too hard to have to put up with the bullshit.
My twin came into town as well as my great aunt and uncle, who we call Grandma Linda and Grandpa Jack--we've always called them that. It wasn't that bad. Things were a little rough at first, but by dinner people were warming up to each other. All in all, we had a nice time. The food was good, though I may have overdone it, being fresh out of surgery like I was. I should have avoided the turkey and focused more attention on the potatoes.
The tension at least dissipated. Things just get a little crowded around here. They spend so much time around each other that eventually they just want to blow up about it. The only thing that JJ and I have going for us here is that we get out of the house regularly. We have obligations and things that keep us occupied, so when we're home, we tend to appreciate the fact that we're home a little more. The rest of them not having jobs--save my twin, of course, who is down at college the rest of the year--just puts them around each other too much. They just need to stick to their separate corners more often...or at least, more often around family holidays when feelings are already strained.
The only good thing to come of being post-op in the midst of family warfare was that I got to use the phrase, "Seriously, guys, stop it. You're ruining my buzz." Much to my shock, it actually worked at diffusing the situation. Chalk one up for the selfish, stoned girl at the table.
I don't mean to neglect the blog, but my pain meds are kicking in again. (I can tell when they do, too. It's a very distinct reality shift. Very very distinct.) I think I need to get myself a little more sleep. I'll try to write more later. A Belated Happy Thanksgiving to all!
Loyal to my word, I didn't eat or drink after midnight the night before. I showered and brushed my teeth the morning of and took my two Valium with a sip of water as required. (I mentioned that I was freaked out at the idea of surgery, the doctor handed me a prescription. What ever happened to calming words? Better living through chemistry, I suppose.) When we got to the office, I was feeling pretty damned mellow. In fact, I can easily see how so many people can enjoy Valium. You're coherent. There's no drug fog. You just don't really care about much of anything. There's no anxiety. There's no feeling. You just kinda are.
I was hooked up to several annoying, beeping machines. I was left in the room with my husband. The doctor finally came in and tried to get a vein so they could give me the sodium pentathol. First, I have to mention that his technique was awful. For a man who spends much of his time giving injections, he was really really bad at finding my vein. In fact, he did the worst thing ever, which was smack the spots on my arms and hands that he was trying to find them. Other than the amazing ability to piss off a patient, this technique also boasts the joy of actually making veins HARDER to find. Smart, doc. Somewhere after that injection, I recall something being fitted over my face. After that, I don't recall.
What I do recall, however, is waking up during the procedure to intense pain. I was waking up while they were still pulling teeth!! With fingers and instruments in my mouth, I couldn't do much other than moan, but it was enough to get the message across. I couldn't really open my eyes. I heard them tell me that I was doing great and that it was almost over--is that just something people tell you in the midst of pain? I distinctly recall having heard those words associated with childbirth as well--and then I was waking up later. I recall asking to see my teeth and being told that someone else already took them out of the room. (Hell, I figure if I had to pay $1400 to have them removed, the least you could do is show the bitches to me, right?!) Then, I was being walked to a recovery room.
I was surprisingly awake afterward. My mouth was numb, which all the nurses and people knew, and yet they insisted on asking me questions. Really? How in the hell do you expect me to respond when I can't feel my tongue and my mouth is stuffed with cotton?! But, you make the requisite noises in response and the struggle to understand what you said that ensues you have the misfortune of trying to find vaguely comical somehow. I bled for the rest of the day, but I slept pretty damned well.
The pain hasn't been that bad. The doctor gave me percocet, roxan, and clindamycin to have filled before the day of the surgery. All I had to do was take them when I got home. He also gave me an additional prescription for darvocet. I was thinking they were crazy during the first few days because the pain wasn't bad enough to warrant another round of narcotics. Now, however, I think I'm changing my mind. The pain is a little bit worse, but it's not the sockets themselves. It's all the surrounding tissues. Even my sinuses ache. I'm a little worried about dry socket, which doesn't seem to be happening, but I'll worry until I know more because that's just how I am. At any rate, if the pain doesn't significantly lessen by the time Tuesday rolls back around, I'll be calling their offices. As it stands, ice packs and heat are helping, so I'm not too worked up about it.
Thanksgiving wasn't all that bad. I had anticipated that things would be much much worse. My father had been angry with the family for a few days before. I don't blame him. Things get too crazy around here. But, of course, because he was upset, they had to be upset too. Then, we play the game where we try to pull everyone else into the middle. Mostly, I just don't care to hear it. I get really tired of the attitudes. I work too hard to have to put up with the bullshit.
My twin came into town as well as my great aunt and uncle, who we call Grandma Linda and Grandpa Jack--we've always called them that. It wasn't that bad. Things were a little rough at first, but by dinner people were warming up to each other. All in all, we had a nice time. The food was good, though I may have overdone it, being fresh out of surgery like I was. I should have avoided the turkey and focused more attention on the potatoes.
The tension at least dissipated. Things just get a little crowded around here. They spend so much time around each other that eventually they just want to blow up about it. The only thing that JJ and I have going for us here is that we get out of the house regularly. We have obligations and things that keep us occupied, so when we're home, we tend to appreciate the fact that we're home a little more. The rest of them not having jobs--save my twin, of course, who is down at college the rest of the year--just puts them around each other too much. They just need to stick to their separate corners more often...or at least, more often around family holidays when feelings are already strained.
The only good thing to come of being post-op in the midst of family warfare was that I got to use the phrase, "Seriously, guys, stop it. You're ruining my buzz." Much to my shock, it actually worked at diffusing the situation. Chalk one up for the selfish, stoned girl at the table.
I don't mean to neglect the blog, but my pain meds are kicking in again. (I can tell when they do, too. It's a very distinct reality shift. Very very distinct.) I think I need to get myself a little more sleep. I'll try to write more later. A Belated Happy Thanksgiving to all!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Happy Anniversary!
First, Happy Anniversary to my husband! Today marks our second year of marriage!
Today, I'm feeling very positive. My paper for English tonight is complete, and I think it's a very good paper. Indeed, I wouldn't have been able to make it so great if not for Kevin, who helped me immensely. Not only that, he also complemented me liberally which was nice because it's always horrible for one's ego to have another critique one's writing. It was nice that someone else had faith in my abilities.
This morning, Jim helped me work on a scholarship essay. He was really very helpful, and I feel like I came out with a much better essay because of him. I turned in a final product that I was very confident about, but now it's just a waiting game. We'll see who ends up getting nominated for Owens. (The scholarship in question is the Jack Kent Cooke scholarship. It's $30,000 a year for up to 3 years. Super important! Fingers crossed for me, okay?!) Needless to say, it's been a day of writing for me, a theme that I'll have to continue well into tomorrow in order to finish my essay about the common traits suffragists share. At any rate, I'm feeling productive.
Scholarship essay: done. English paper: done. History paper: in progress and coming along nicely. Take-home Chem test: not begun. All in all, not bad.
Today, I'm feeling very positive. My paper for English tonight is complete, and I think it's a very good paper. Indeed, I wouldn't have been able to make it so great if not for Kevin, who helped me immensely. Not only that, he also complemented me liberally which was nice because it's always horrible for one's ego to have another critique one's writing. It was nice that someone else had faith in my abilities.
This morning, Jim helped me work on a scholarship essay. He was really very helpful, and I feel like I came out with a much better essay because of him. I turned in a final product that I was very confident about, but now it's just a waiting game. We'll see who ends up getting nominated for Owens. (The scholarship in question is the Jack Kent Cooke scholarship. It's $30,000 a year for up to 3 years. Super important! Fingers crossed for me, okay?!) Needless to say, it's been a day of writing for me, a theme that I'll have to continue well into tomorrow in order to finish my essay about the common traits suffragists share. At any rate, I'm feeling productive.
Scholarship essay: done. English paper: done. History paper: in progress and coming along nicely. Take-home Chem test: not begun. All in all, not bad.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
As Aimee Mann Says...
Alright, so here we are again, dear old friends! It's been a while, I know. Forgive me! My life is hectic and chaotic. As the blog says, overworked and underpaid.
My car has been leaking oil furiously, which, of course, is going to cost copious amounts of money. I have to pay for my oral surgery still, however, and thus I will not be able to pay for both. So, do I keep the car and postpone the surgery, or do I keep the surgery date and postpone the car? To drive to classes and work or to be finished with the pressure in my mouth, that is the question. (I have always had the feeling that people who add the phrase "that is the question" to the end of a sentence feel that Hamlet had nothing on them. Yet, how many of us can claim to have had to fight our kingdoms away from our adultering uncle who killed our father? Not many, I'm willing to bet. Hamlet is still worse off than I am.)
This, of course, does not mention my academic strain. I skipped a class last night, despite my better judgment. I felt horrible and depressed about my car and the state of my finances. It was really better that I wasn't there. I wouldn't have been paying attention because I was sick, and then I'd have been paying even less attention because I'd be too preoccupied with paying for my life, which is the one thing that I can't seem to manage to do. It was a good thing that we went home too, because later that night I had a crying jag. In fact, that seems to be something that I've been doing a lot of lately.
I cry when something is sad. I cry when something is happy. I cry when something is triumphant. I cry when something is overwhelming. I cry when something is underwhelming. I am beginning to wonder if I have some kind of hormonal imbalance or something. Lord knows I'm not usually this emotional. In the past, I was irritated with myself if I didn't seem to cry enough at sad things. Now, I cry at things that aren't sad at all! I found myself fighting off tears watching movies about women's suffrage in history class! How ridiculous am I these days? I mean, really!
I keep thinking that JJ and I would be better off living on our own again, but then I wonder where we'd get the money to be able to do that. We're a burden on my parents who can't make enough to support themselves as it is. Normally, we'd be contributing to them, but we haven't been able to do that lately either with all the car issues. So what are we supposed to do? The sad part is that if we had been stupid and had kids early, we'd be basically taken care of, especially being back in school like this. It makes me sad that intelligent, hard-working people like my husband and I can't make it in this world, but ignorant, lazy welfare parents can do just fine.
I'm feeling jaded and sad today. It's like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, but it never goes away. Just when I shift the weight to a comfortable position, more of it gets heaped on top.
My car has been leaking oil furiously, which, of course, is going to cost copious amounts of money. I have to pay for my oral surgery still, however, and thus I will not be able to pay for both. So, do I keep the car and postpone the surgery, or do I keep the surgery date and postpone the car? To drive to classes and work or to be finished with the pressure in my mouth, that is the question. (I have always had the feeling that people who add the phrase "that is the question" to the end of a sentence feel that Hamlet had nothing on them. Yet, how many of us can claim to have had to fight our kingdoms away from our adultering uncle who killed our father? Not many, I'm willing to bet. Hamlet is still worse off than I am.)
This, of course, does not mention my academic strain. I skipped a class last night, despite my better judgment. I felt horrible and depressed about my car and the state of my finances. It was really better that I wasn't there. I wouldn't have been paying attention because I was sick, and then I'd have been paying even less attention because I'd be too preoccupied with paying for my life, which is the one thing that I can't seem to manage to do. It was a good thing that we went home too, because later that night I had a crying jag. In fact, that seems to be something that I've been doing a lot of lately.
I cry when something is sad. I cry when something is happy. I cry when something is triumphant. I cry when something is overwhelming. I cry when something is underwhelming. I am beginning to wonder if I have some kind of hormonal imbalance or something. Lord knows I'm not usually this emotional. In the past, I was irritated with myself if I didn't seem to cry enough at sad things. Now, I cry at things that aren't sad at all! I found myself fighting off tears watching movies about women's suffrage in history class! How ridiculous am I these days? I mean, really!
I keep thinking that JJ and I would be better off living on our own again, but then I wonder where we'd get the money to be able to do that. We're a burden on my parents who can't make enough to support themselves as it is. Normally, we'd be contributing to them, but we haven't been able to do that lately either with all the car issues. So what are we supposed to do? The sad part is that if we had been stupid and had kids early, we'd be basically taken care of, especially being back in school like this. It makes me sad that intelligent, hard-working people like my husband and I can't make it in this world, but ignorant, lazy welfare parents can do just fine.
I'm feeling jaded and sad today. It's like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, but it never goes away. Just when I shift the weight to a comfortable position, more of it gets heaped on top.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
More, More, More
I have gotten the call to let me know that my car is finished and, evidently, driving well. Meanwhile, we still have to buy the air intake boot since the mechanic couldn't find one locally. Alas, we will have to pay the cost, the shipping, and the labor. Granted, we may have had to pay for these anyway, but it would have been at at once, not three separate transactions.
Now, to save for my teeth. I'm thrilled, can you tell? I love being poor. I love being unable to pay the bills that we need to pay and getting nasty calls in the middle of my class to try to persuade me to spend money that I don't have. Awesome.
I'm stressed about the test I have coming up in History tomorrow. I'm stressed about the test I'll have in statistics on Thursday. I'm stressed about the two major papers that I have to write. I'm stressed about what people think of me and making sure that I'm doing enough to make everyone happy. Will I have enough money to do the things that I need to do? Will I have enough nerves to keep from going off?
I'm conflicted about everything. I have a Halloween party coming up this weekend, and I'm not even sure I really want to think about it. I want to go to be with my friends, but I don't want to go be in the cold and hang out with the people that I don't know. I know there will be a lot of drunk people there. I know they'll be people I won't know, which really severely limits the patience that I'll have with them.
I'm just kinda blah today. I feel like my husband is hovering over my shoulder lately. I never go anywhere without him, which can be grating at times. I'm dreading student government at 4. I'm dreading stats and the idea of a quiz or "opportunity exercise." I should have stayed in bed today.
Now, to save for my teeth. I'm thrilled, can you tell? I love being poor. I love being unable to pay the bills that we need to pay and getting nasty calls in the middle of my class to try to persuade me to spend money that I don't have. Awesome.
I'm stressed about the test I have coming up in History tomorrow. I'm stressed about the test I'll have in statistics on Thursday. I'm stressed about the two major papers that I have to write. I'm stressed about what people think of me and making sure that I'm doing enough to make everyone happy. Will I have enough money to do the things that I need to do? Will I have enough nerves to keep from going off?
I'm conflicted about everything. I have a Halloween party coming up this weekend, and I'm not even sure I really want to think about it. I want to go to be with my friends, but I don't want to go be in the cold and hang out with the people that I don't know. I know there will be a lot of drunk people there. I know they'll be people I won't know, which really severely limits the patience that I'll have with them.
I'm just kinda blah today. I feel like my husband is hovering over my shoulder lately. I never go anywhere without him, which can be grating at times. I'm dreading student government at 4. I'm dreading stats and the idea of a quiz or "opportunity exercise." I should have stayed in bed today.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Updates All Around!
It turns out my silly little blog does have a reader! How delightful! Even if my +1 came from the need to explain my "'tude," it's still a good enough reason for me! Lesson learned from this: being a bitch gains readership. (Haha, just kidding, Jim. Really, I'm working on it.)
However, I promised actual updates, so here they are. I have found out that my great aunt Katy is doing well enough. She didn't break her hip as we suspected. She wore out the cartilage between the bones. Needless to say, she is in pain, but they believe that some rehab will help her situation. She'll be in the hospital for longer than she wants, but at least she's being taken care of. She's really the sweetest little lady, and I only hope the hospital staff comes to see that and treats her accordingly. (She broke her hip the first time when she was in her earlier eighties while volunteering at the local old folk's home. She used to wheel the ailing down to the church service on Saturday evenings--they're Catholic.)
My car is another matter. Additional hoses and an air intake boot (?) need to be replaced. Meaning, of course, that I will need to spend more money. Of course, this is money that I do not have. Alas, I require a vehicle. Can you see the conundrum here? The other thing that this has added to my equation is time, which we also do not really have. Being a one car family is a little taxing on all of us.
On the job front, it seems that my bosses feel that I may have misinterpreted the initial e-mail. If this is the case, I will be simply over-joyed. If this is not the case, I'll be out of a job. At any rate, my fears here have not yet diminished, but I'll just let the cards fall where they fall. Who knows, the end result could be a blessing rather than curse. Only time will tell and other such cliches.
I'm at a very strange impasse right now in my life. I feel like I'm not doing enough, and I feel like there's nothing I can do. It's like there's something missing, but I can't figure out what it is. Maybe church? Surprising as it seems that I would be comfortable with organized religion, I am a little bit. We haven't been to church on a regular basis since before we moved her because we had no vehicle then. I would really like to find a local church.
For some reason, though, what keeps me from finding a church in the area is the level of attachment that I have to my old church. I'm fifth generation at that church. People attend that church who were friends with my maternal grandmother and great grandmother. They have stories. I have history there. I don't want to be the new young folks at some new place that has its own history. Sadly, I'm a state away from that portion of my personal and familial history. I can't just drive out whenever I choose. I'm almost afraid that if I make a new connection here, it negates what I have there. Maybe part of me is afraid that if we make a commitment to a new church here, we might never go back to the old one, that we might abandon the idea of moving back to Indiana in general.
Strange as it seems and as long as I've lived here in Ohio, it still doesn't feel like home to me. I love being around my father. I love being near my family. But Ohio just doesn't feel like where I'm supposed to be. Indiana is what feels like home to me. I regret the fact that I can't just decide to head over to JJ's grandmother's for an evening just because we feel like seeing her. I don't like that I can't think about going to MY church whenever I feel like it. I don't like that it's a two hour drive for me to go to a wedding or baby shower or birthday party. This year we're actually missing JJ's grandmother's 80th birthday because I'm having my oral surgery and we can't afford to make it out after that kind of spending. I hate that we can't celebrate a major milestone with a family member because we're broke and we moved.
The worst part is the irony that we moved over here to get out of poverty, and we still live in poverty. In fact, it actually got worse because, rather than it being just the two of us, we are now working to support the five of us. We added three people to our worries. I keep wondering what would have happened if we had just stayed in Indiana. All of our school stuff is loans, so we wouldn't be worse off. We would have been paying all in-state tuition, so we might have actually been better off. A greater portion of me is kicking myself for ever thinking that this would be a good idea.
Maybe the weather is just making me cranky. It's cold and wet out, and it will probably snow in the next couple of days here. Actually, from what JJ's been telling me, it's already snowing in Indiana. That and I'm all hormonal and crampy. At any given point in the last few days I have been mere inches from tears. I'm just waiting for the moment that someone says something to me at work and, in my rush to get out my response, I start to cry. (It's coming, I can just feel it.) I hate crying in front of people. They always look at you with that pitying facial expression. Nothing makes me feel weaker than crying in front of other people who don't know how to respond to you. You keep crying, they keep looking confused and uncomfortable, and you just feel increasingly pathetic--which, of course, makes you continue crying.
I hate being a woman. Why anyone would choose to be a woman is beyond me--not that we're given a choice. Welcome to all the responsibilty, none of the credit, and the added bonus of feeling "not so fresh" once a month! Enjoy, ladies! Yeah, right. And the fact that some women call it, ironically, a "monthly gift" just makes me want to punch them. Ugh, seriously, shut up.
Better for me to quit now before I inspire myself to burst into tears.
Also, for the record, Blogger hates me. I had to repost this freakin' blog 3 times before it didn't tell me that there was an HTML error, and I didn't even use HTML posting!
However, I promised actual updates, so here they are. I have found out that my great aunt Katy is doing well enough. She didn't break her hip as we suspected. She wore out the cartilage between the bones. Needless to say, she is in pain, but they believe that some rehab will help her situation. She'll be in the hospital for longer than she wants, but at least she's being taken care of. She's really the sweetest little lady, and I only hope the hospital staff comes to see that and treats her accordingly. (She broke her hip the first time when she was in her earlier eighties while volunteering at the local old folk's home. She used to wheel the ailing down to the church service on Saturday evenings--they're Catholic.)
My car is another matter. Additional hoses and an air intake boot (?) need to be replaced. Meaning, of course, that I will need to spend more money. Of course, this is money that I do not have. Alas, I require a vehicle. Can you see the conundrum here? The other thing that this has added to my equation is time, which we also do not really have. Being a one car family is a little taxing on all of us.
On the job front, it seems that my bosses feel that I may have misinterpreted the initial e-mail. If this is the case, I will be simply over-joyed. If this is not the case, I'll be out of a job. At any rate, my fears here have not yet diminished, but I'll just let the cards fall where they fall. Who knows, the end result could be a blessing rather than curse. Only time will tell and other such cliches.
I'm at a very strange impasse right now in my life. I feel like I'm not doing enough, and I feel like there's nothing I can do. It's like there's something missing, but I can't figure out what it is. Maybe church? Surprising as it seems that I would be comfortable with organized religion, I am a little bit. We haven't been to church on a regular basis since before we moved her because we had no vehicle then. I would really like to find a local church.
For some reason, though, what keeps me from finding a church in the area is the level of attachment that I have to my old church. I'm fifth generation at that church. People attend that church who were friends with my maternal grandmother and great grandmother. They have stories. I have history there. I don't want to be the new young folks at some new place that has its own history. Sadly, I'm a state away from that portion of my personal and familial history. I can't just drive out whenever I choose. I'm almost afraid that if I make a new connection here, it negates what I have there. Maybe part of me is afraid that if we make a commitment to a new church here, we might never go back to the old one, that we might abandon the idea of moving back to Indiana in general.
Strange as it seems and as long as I've lived here in Ohio, it still doesn't feel like home to me. I love being around my father. I love being near my family. But Ohio just doesn't feel like where I'm supposed to be. Indiana is what feels like home to me. I regret the fact that I can't just decide to head over to JJ's grandmother's for an evening just because we feel like seeing her. I don't like that I can't think about going to MY church whenever I feel like it. I don't like that it's a two hour drive for me to go to a wedding or baby shower or birthday party. This year we're actually missing JJ's grandmother's 80th birthday because I'm having my oral surgery and we can't afford to make it out after that kind of spending. I hate that we can't celebrate a major milestone with a family member because we're broke and we moved.
The worst part is the irony that we moved over here to get out of poverty, and we still live in poverty. In fact, it actually got worse because, rather than it being just the two of us, we are now working to support the five of us. We added three people to our worries. I keep wondering what would have happened if we had just stayed in Indiana. All of our school stuff is loans, so we wouldn't be worse off. We would have been paying all in-state tuition, so we might have actually been better off. A greater portion of me is kicking myself for ever thinking that this would be a good idea.
Maybe the weather is just making me cranky. It's cold and wet out, and it will probably snow in the next couple of days here. Actually, from what JJ's been telling me, it's already snowing in Indiana. That and I'm all hormonal and crampy. At any given point in the last few days I have been mere inches from tears. I'm just waiting for the moment that someone says something to me at work and, in my rush to get out my response, I start to cry. (It's coming, I can just feel it.) I hate crying in front of people. They always look at you with that pitying facial expression. Nothing makes me feel weaker than crying in front of other people who don't know how to respond to you. You keep crying, they keep looking confused and uncomfortable, and you just feel increasingly pathetic--which, of course, makes you continue crying.
I hate being a woman. Why anyone would choose to be a woman is beyond me--not that we're given a choice. Welcome to all the responsibilty, none of the credit, and the added bonus of feeling "not so fresh" once a month! Enjoy, ladies! Yeah, right. And the fact that some women call it, ironically, a "monthly gift" just makes me want to punch them. Ugh, seriously, shut up.
Better for me to quit now before I inspire myself to burst into tears.
Also, for the record, Blogger hates me. I had to repost this freakin' blog 3 times before it didn't tell me that there was an HTML error, and I didn't even use HTML posting!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Overextension and the VP of SG
So here we are again. I have built myself a golden prison. I have committed to far too many things, and I am unable to handle the pressure. I am frustrated, tired, and feeling like everything I do is futile. Other people say they're committed, but too many things are falling by the wayside, and I--stupidly, as usual--have proven myself to be reliable. Fuck.
So now, like always, tons of the work falls on me. Fuck. I have to give something up. I have to sacrifice something for my sanity. Yet, I don't want to feel guilty. I don't want to feel like I'm letting a bunch of people down, which I will, of course. But I can't keep doing this. It's turning me into a terribly unpleasant person.
My car is still in the shop, too. My teeth still need to be pulled. I still make minimum wage. The administration at Owens has now decided that students who are transferring to another institution can't work at Owens anymore either. So, in addition to everything else that I have to worry about, I also have to think about losing my job. Not to mention the fact that my great aunt Katy is in the hospital.
The worst part about Katy being in the hospital is that no one bothered to call us and let us know that she was in the hospital. Apparently, she fell and broke her hip, which she had a total replacement on before. Essentially, she re-broke her hip. How long was she there? Is she doing alright? Is she having another surgery? All of these are questions that I would like to ask, but I have no answers to. No one on Dad's side of the family will call us back. (This great aunt is my father's aunt.)
It is because of this that I fear JJ and I will be making a trip to Indiana this weekend. Unless I can get some answers on the phone today--which I will have to spend the afternoon doing rather than attending Student Government--we're going to drive over. I'm way too worried about her to let this go.
The thing is that my Great Aunt Katy has been around me since I was a baby. She and her sister, Josephine, never married. They were my paternal grandmother's sisters, and they lived across the street from my grandmother and grandfather. Much of my childhood was spent at Auntie Jo and Auntie Katy's house. I drew in their living room, slept in their guest bedroom, played on their patio. They made me breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They let me paint ceramics and crochet with them. My childhood was spent in a way that allowed me to have three grandmothers. Since then, my grandmother and my great aunt Jo have passed away. Katy is the only one left.
One of my biggest fears with this whole situation is that she'll pass away and I'll never get to say good-bye. I'll never get to tell her that I love her and appreciate her. I'll never get to let her know that she meant so much to me. I'm so afraid for that. She's older. There are a million complications that could happen as the result of a broken hip. She's in her late eighties, for God's sake!
I just can't decide right now if I'm more angry or scared. Am I more angry at that side of the family for not bothering to tell us what happened? Am I more angry that my father has called them and they never bothered to call us back? Or am I more scared that something is going to happen? Am I more scared of losing her? I can't decide if I want to go scream at my stupid cousins for being selfish and horrid or cry because I haven't been affectionate or appreciative enough.
I just need a little break. RIGHT NOW.
So now, like always, tons of the work falls on me. Fuck. I have to give something up. I have to sacrifice something for my sanity. Yet, I don't want to feel guilty. I don't want to feel like I'm letting a bunch of people down, which I will, of course. But I can't keep doing this. It's turning me into a terribly unpleasant person.
My car is still in the shop, too. My teeth still need to be pulled. I still make minimum wage. The administration at Owens has now decided that students who are transferring to another institution can't work at Owens anymore either. So, in addition to everything else that I have to worry about, I also have to think about losing my job. Not to mention the fact that my great aunt Katy is in the hospital.
The worst part about Katy being in the hospital is that no one bothered to call us and let us know that she was in the hospital. Apparently, she fell and broke her hip, which she had a total replacement on before. Essentially, she re-broke her hip. How long was she there? Is she doing alright? Is she having another surgery? All of these are questions that I would like to ask, but I have no answers to. No one on Dad's side of the family will call us back. (This great aunt is my father's aunt.)
It is because of this that I fear JJ and I will be making a trip to Indiana this weekend. Unless I can get some answers on the phone today--which I will have to spend the afternoon doing rather than attending Student Government--we're going to drive over. I'm way too worried about her to let this go.
The thing is that my Great Aunt Katy has been around me since I was a baby. She and her sister, Josephine, never married. They were my paternal grandmother's sisters, and they lived across the street from my grandmother and grandfather. Much of my childhood was spent at Auntie Jo and Auntie Katy's house. I drew in their living room, slept in their guest bedroom, played on their patio. They made me breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They let me paint ceramics and crochet with them. My childhood was spent in a way that allowed me to have three grandmothers. Since then, my grandmother and my great aunt Jo have passed away. Katy is the only one left.
One of my biggest fears with this whole situation is that she'll pass away and I'll never get to say good-bye. I'll never get to tell her that I love her and appreciate her. I'll never get to let her know that she meant so much to me. I'm so afraid for that. She's older. There are a million complications that could happen as the result of a broken hip. She's in her late eighties, for God's sake!
I just can't decide right now if I'm more angry or scared. Am I more angry at that side of the family for not bothering to tell us what happened? Am I more angry that my father has called them and they never bothered to call us back? Or am I more scared that something is going to happen? Am I more scared of losing her? I can't decide if I want to go scream at my stupid cousins for being selfish and horrid or cry because I haven't been affectionate or appreciative enough.
I just need a little break. RIGHT NOW.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Post-Birthday Post
So, it turns out that my optimism about my birthday this year was greatly exaggerated. In fact, there was no reason for it at all. Here's a little list of the disasters that helped make my birthday unforgettably terrible:
-car started acting funny on the way in to work
-got into bathroom at work only to have the power go out and have to feel my way right back out again
-left work for oral surgeon appointment
-car broke down a mile and half away from oral surgeon's office...in a work zone
-work men have to move my car because it's deadness is in their way. I bawl.
-work men have to move my car AGAIN because they need to re-open the entryway they moved me into
-get to the oral surgeon's office at 12:15 for a 10:45 appointment. I bawl.
-get toothpaste on my shirt
-oral surgeon rudely accuses me of being a habitual sugar-eater
-find out that my wisdom tooth extraction will cost $1465
-have an exam in Literature
It was a banner day, let me tell you.
Further, I discovered yesterday that the problem with my car is the transmission. It has to be replaced or refurbished. This will cost between $1500 and $2000. As I am of limited means, this is quite crippling. I have no choice but to fix the car. I can't afford to get another. Unfortunately, it also means that I will have to scrimp and save in order to be able to pay for my surgery by November 24th. I have to decide whether to refurbish the transmission for $2000 with a one year warranty or replace with a used transmission for $1500 with a three month warranty. I'll probably end up refurbishing, but I'm scared to death that I'll be making the wrong choice either way.
I am truly tired of being poor. My father tells me that it's acceptable to be living in poverty because my husband and I are still "becoming," but I would much rather be "became." I just wish we had some money for once. I wish we had something to rely on except optimism and the hope that it will one day be better. What if it never gets better? What if we are poor and dejected for the rest of our unhappy days?
Why can't I just have a trust fund and a BMW? Is that too much to ask?
-car started acting funny on the way in to work
-got into bathroom at work only to have the power go out and have to feel my way right back out again
-left work for oral surgeon appointment
-car broke down a mile and half away from oral surgeon's office...in a work zone
-work men have to move my car because it's deadness is in their way. I bawl.
-work men have to move my car AGAIN because they need to re-open the entryway they moved me into
-get to the oral surgeon's office at 12:15 for a 10:45 appointment. I bawl.
-get toothpaste on my shirt
-oral surgeon rudely accuses me of being a habitual sugar-eater
-find out that my wisdom tooth extraction will cost $1465
-have an exam in Literature
It was a banner day, let me tell you.
Further, I discovered yesterday that the problem with my car is the transmission. It has to be replaced or refurbished. This will cost between $1500 and $2000. As I am of limited means, this is quite crippling. I have no choice but to fix the car. I can't afford to get another. Unfortunately, it also means that I will have to scrimp and save in order to be able to pay for my surgery by November 24th. I have to decide whether to refurbish the transmission for $2000 with a one year warranty or replace with a used transmission for $1500 with a three month warranty. I'll probably end up refurbishing, but I'm scared to death that I'll be making the wrong choice either way.
I am truly tired of being poor. My father tells me that it's acceptable to be living in poverty because my husband and I are still "becoming," but I would much rather be "became." I just wish we had some money for once. I wish we had something to rely on except optimism and the hope that it will one day be better. What if it never gets better? What if we are poor and dejected for the rest of our unhappy days?
Why can't I just have a trust fund and a BMW? Is that too much to ask?
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Pre-Birthday Post
After a weekend of actually applying myself (well, as applied as I happen to get, anyways), I have managed to accomplish a few things. For one, I got my take-home test done for Chemistry. For two, I got part of my Statistics take-home done (to be finished post-post!). All of this is terribly amazing considering how very little I actually feel like doing. I'm having a very lazy weekend.
Last night, I "mastered" (according to my mother) the "art" of making mashed potato-based potato pancakes. You basically make a mashed potato patty and then fry it in a lot of butter. And, when I say a lot, I mean my mom uses like a half a stick for 3-4 pancakes. It's a LOT of butter. But I learned how, which made me feel vaguely culinary, so that was nice.
Then, post-pancake, we went over to Amie's for a little time by the bonfire. It was pretty nice, but most of the people there were raucous and drunk. JJ and I don't really deal well with raucous and drunk. We like low-key, debates about politics, quotes from literature kind of drunk. We're not really huge fans of screaming drunkards. Especially when you consider the fact that last weekend one of our fellow party-goers was so drunk that he felt it would be a good idea to walk across the fire and fell out of the fire pit. All I can say is that I'm glad his injuries were minimal and that he fell out of the fire pit rather than into it. Still, it makes a clear case for the addition of chlorine to his gene pool.
Today, I didn't even want to get out of bed. The last two weekends, however, JJ has skipped his Catia class, and I have irresponsibly let him. So, today I felt that it was utterly necessary to make him attend. Besides, I get quite a bit done myself while I'm with him in the classroom. I return e-mails, surf Facebook, blog, and then do homework. Today, I had the opportunity to surf ThinkGeek, where I saw a really awesome spork that I want desperately. (Save the comments about me being a nerd. I know I am, so shush.)
I find myself really looking forward to tonight though. It's going to be my pre-birthday family birthday dinner. I have requested a special menu of bruschetta, steak, Brussels sprouts, baked potatoes, and oatmeal scotchies. The oatmeal scotchies are a clever alternative to cake because I'm caked out. That and they sounded really really good.
Tomorrow, my actual birthday, won't be quite as nice. In fact, it's going to be pretty unpleasant. I have work at 7:30 AM, which will be interrupted by a lovely visit to the oral surgeon. Hopefully, we can put off the wisdom tooth extraction until Thanksgiving break. At any rate, I'm still not looking forward to spending that much money only to result in pain and swelling. Then, after I come back to work for another 6ish hours, I have an exam in Literature.
My birthday is going to be sucky. At any rate, I'm hoping for a slightly better outcome to the unpleasantries (Yes, I made that word up. Focus, will you?!) because I'm going to play up the birthday thing. "Aww, really? You know it's my birthday, right?"
At any rate, I'm off to do some actual work. Statistics waits for no one.
Last night, I "mastered" (according to my mother) the "art" of making mashed potato-based potato pancakes. You basically make a mashed potato patty and then fry it in a lot of butter. And, when I say a lot, I mean my mom uses like a half a stick for 3-4 pancakes. It's a LOT of butter. But I learned how, which made me feel vaguely culinary, so that was nice.
Then, post-pancake, we went over to Amie's for a little time by the bonfire. It was pretty nice, but most of the people there were raucous and drunk. JJ and I don't really deal well with raucous and drunk. We like low-key, debates about politics, quotes from literature kind of drunk. We're not really huge fans of screaming drunkards. Especially when you consider the fact that last weekend one of our fellow party-goers was so drunk that he felt it would be a good idea to walk across the fire and fell out of the fire pit. All I can say is that I'm glad his injuries were minimal and that he fell out of the fire pit rather than into it. Still, it makes a clear case for the addition of chlorine to his gene pool.
Today, I didn't even want to get out of bed. The last two weekends, however, JJ has skipped his Catia class, and I have irresponsibly let him. So, today I felt that it was utterly necessary to make him attend. Besides, I get quite a bit done myself while I'm with him in the classroom. I return e-mails, surf Facebook, blog, and then do homework. Today, I had the opportunity to surf ThinkGeek, where I saw a really awesome spork that I want desperately. (Save the comments about me being a nerd. I know I am, so shush.)
I find myself really looking forward to tonight though. It's going to be my pre-birthday family birthday dinner. I have requested a special menu of bruschetta, steak, Brussels sprouts, baked potatoes, and oatmeal scotchies. The oatmeal scotchies are a clever alternative to cake because I'm caked out. That and they sounded really really good.
Tomorrow, my actual birthday, won't be quite as nice. In fact, it's going to be pretty unpleasant. I have work at 7:30 AM, which will be interrupted by a lovely visit to the oral surgeon. Hopefully, we can put off the wisdom tooth extraction until Thanksgiving break. At any rate, I'm still not looking forward to spending that much money only to result in pain and swelling. Then, after I come back to work for another 6ish hours, I have an exam in Literature.
My birthday is going to be sucky. At any rate, I'm hoping for a slightly better outcome to the unpleasantries (Yes, I made that word up. Focus, will you?!) because I'm going to play up the birthday thing. "Aww, really? You know it's my birthday, right?"
At any rate, I'm off to do some actual work. Statistics waits for no one.
Friday, October 2, 2009
One Down!
Alright, one test down, two to go.
Actually, I am surprised to say that last night's stats exam wasn't that bad. I guess doing all the homework online is turning out to be in my favor, even though it sucks out loud to do it. I was really worried about it because I felt like I didn't understand how to logic the problems out. Yet, when the test was set before me, I knew exactly how to solve the things that I was so unsure of. I remembered seeing problems that we had gone over in class, problems that I had worked out online, and problems that I had in my notes.
Luckily, my sainted instructor also lets us use our books and our notes on the test. So, the few things that I wasn't totally sure of I was able to look up relatively easy. Hurray for good study habits!
This weekend, I'll be working on the take-home portion of my stats test, the take-home portion of my chemistry exam, and making a note sheet for my literature exam. Great.
I don't really have much else to update about right now. This is pretty much all that I'm concerned with.
Actually, I am surprised to say that last night's stats exam wasn't that bad. I guess doing all the homework online is turning out to be in my favor, even though it sucks out loud to do it. I was really worried about it because I felt like I didn't understand how to logic the problems out. Yet, when the test was set before me, I knew exactly how to solve the things that I was so unsure of. I remembered seeing problems that we had gone over in class, problems that I had worked out online, and problems that I had in my notes.
Luckily, my sainted instructor also lets us use our books and our notes on the test. So, the few things that I wasn't totally sure of I was able to look up relatively easy. Hurray for good study habits!
This weekend, I'll be working on the take-home portion of my stats test, the take-home portion of my chemistry exam, and making a note sheet for my literature exam. Great.
I don't really have much else to update about right now. This is pretty much all that I'm concerned with.
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