And Hope To Die

Alright, so I need to blog more frequently. I even received a Facebook comment about my lack of blog--which was surprising and flattering! In my defense, however, most of the blogs that I follow seem to be lacking as of late too, so I'm not inclined to feel quite so bad about it. To be realistic, though, I probably wouldn't have felt all that bad about it anyways.

Things have been more or less uneventful for me lately. I dropped my nursing courses, which was quick and mostly painless. Part of me still feels a bit like a quitter, but I know that I'm doing the right thing for myself. I don't think that nursing would have made me all that happy in the long run. The most unfortunate part of the whole endeavor is that I now have a ton of science credits, which will probably do very little for me when I switch to an English major. Needless to say, this sets back any potential graduation date as well.

The dorms are interesting, and there's always something to do here. My issues with my roommate were resolved after an R.A. meeting. She's still Crazy McCrazyton, but at least she's resolved to doing some things like putting her stuff away and cleaning the bathroom on a rotating schedule. (If calling her crazy seems unfair, consider the fact that I politely asked her to put her cereal away and replace the toilet paper roll when empty and she didn't speak to me for two days.) She did tell our R.A.'s that I make her feel awkward, which I took a little bit personally. She also said that I got an attitude with her, which I had been really careful not to do in light of her personality. I know how bipolar people operate. You don't rattle the cages. So to tell me that I got an attitude with you when I was attempting to do my best to be nice sort of irks me.

I guess it makes me wonder how exactly it is that I'm required to approach her. I mean, if the usual adult methods don't work, what in the hell am I supposed to do? Is there a formula for this sort of interaction? Is there a manual available somewhere? I'm having extreme difficulty not losing my patience with her.

Not much else is really going on around me. Last night, the girls and I watched Steel Magnolias. We felt there was a need for a chick flick movie night. Three out of five of us are menstruating on the same cycle, so God help anyone else in the building. It's going to be Apocalypse Now when the other two sync up. Even worse will be if my roommate ever syncs up with us and gets extra dramatic--I will probably lose my shit on her.

I was at home this weekend. I'm sure that the universe had a grand laugh at my expense because, no sooner than I got home, I started my period. That, of course, was an adventure since all of my tampons were back at the dorms. Fantastic! Thrillingly, I had to go purchase some. Of course, my mother--helpful as she is--reminded me in her nastiest tone that my period was not anyone else's fault. What a coincidence, since I never blamed anyone else! My mother has an uncanny knack for saying the things that truly irritate me. She continues to remind me of this each weekend that I go home.

Yet, despite that unpleasantness, it was nice to be able to sleep in my own bed and spend some time with my family. Though they do occasionally get on my nerves, I do like being around them for the most part. My grandfather came in for lunch on Sunday afternoon, which was also very nice. He seems to like me much better than he used to, and it makes me grateful. My grandfather has a wealth of interesting stories. I enjoy talking to him, especially when he starts to talk about how things were during the war. It always interests me to hear about how things were in the 30s and 40s.

My plans for the week are vague at best. I have to find some sources for a pathophysiology paper. I also have to study for my biochemistry midterm this week. Gotta love having an eight week course! It's over before you know it! It would be nice if all of my classes were like that. I really do need to buckle down, though. I feel like, as the semester wears on, it's getting harder and harder for me to actually focus, to study. All of this is very complicated, though, because I'm good at studying. I just need to actually get around to doing it.

I feel like an addict, restless and discontent, disconnected. It's too easy to slip back into this apathy, too easy to embrace that high school laziness, high school attitude. The worst part about all of that is how much more prone I am to making terrible choices. I get to a point where I don't really care who I hurt--even if that means hurting myself--or what I'm doing. I fear that I don't really care about myself at all, that my selfishness and egotism is all a grand illusion. Perhaps this is true. Perhaps it's a great facade. Perhaps all my most honest truths are really lies. Wouldn't that just shatter my tiny little world?