The Neglectful Author

Oh, long neglected blog, I pine! Well, that's a lie. I don't really pine. At least, I don't really pine for blogging. I do pine for the creative gumption to get around to writing something that isn't trite and stupid, but I don't think that counts as pining for blogging per se. I can happily report, however, that I'm so busy keeping my resolutions that I've been unable to think for myself--or, at least, that's what I'm going to claim.

Clearly, I'm not keeping all of my resolutions. After all, here we are at almost 6 AM, and I find myself blogging. Needless to say, some will be harder to crack than others. I can cheerfully report that I've had earrings in my ears every single day since that last post. I've put on make up more than just once since that post as well. I finished one book and started another. I've been varying my music tastes. I've been committed to trying to listen to the little voice in my head that feeds me nothing but quiet degradations--because, let's be honest, I really do need to listen to that little voice that tells me that I can't sing worth a damn and should shut up. (If you've heard my singing, you'll agree with that.) It's an uphill battle, but I am at least still making the effort. I'm also happy to report that I have not cried drunkenly since my last post!

My turkey slaughtering holiday found itself appropriately thankful, as the title would seem to require. It's funny, though, that spending time with my family mostly just makes me yearn for my roommate and our apartment. It makes me long for a place where no one screams at me for little-to-no reason. It makes me want the peace and quiet that comes in the night there. It makes me crave the friendship and the solitude--though I do recognize that those are conflicting ideas, I have them both in a lovely balance back at school. It makes me wonder what will happen to my poor mental state when the Christmas break comes. I'm fairly certain I'll lose my mind.

My room here in Delta is so terribly boring now. All I have is my laptop and the bed. I don't even have a TV in here anymore because it's in our living room at school. In lieu of any other form of watchable entertainment, I turned to Netflix tonight. There's a movie that I've recently fallen in love with that I opted to watch again called Teenage Dirtbag. It's an independent film, and it would be impossible for me to describe it without giving too much away. The best part about it is how deeply it makes you feel. The emotion is so subtle, but so palpable and real. It leaves me feeling gloriously empty, sad to the core.

Strangely, sadness is an emotion that I have always embraced--much to the chagrin of others around me, I think. Many people don't seem to understand it, and it bothers them. I think sadness is an integral part of the human experience. We have to understand our own pain, embrace it, in order to be able to empathize with the pain of others. We have to examine our pain to be able to move through it, make it a part of ourselves. Of course, that's an idea that I've always embraced. Pain is part of life. Sadness can be painful, but that doesn't mean we can shove it under the rug and ignore it. We have to see it, to acknowledge it. Sometimes, we have to live in it for a while. Too many people let it overwhelm them, suck them in, because they've never tried to walk in it.

Apologies, sparse readers. My mind is trailing off because of the late hour and because of my own distraction. My thin attempts at depth are failing me, indeed. As a result, I think I shall call this entry off.

Resolutions Without the New Year

Time has been harsh with me lately. It seems that I never have enough. It passes so quickly that I feel as though I cannot manage to catch my breath. Circumstances have been so cruel lately.

To begin with, AW no longer wishes to be friends with me. He claims he will keep in touch, but this seems a moot point now. JJ has been terribly demanding as of late, even necessitating at one point that I call the Indiana police to get him. This is a little bit complicated because I live in Ohio. I'm still very angry with him for putting me through that. I feel like it's been incredibly difficult for me to talk to him even though he needs me because my fury hasn't faded yet. I feel as though he hangs things over my head in an attempt to make me love him, but what really ends up happening is that he can't even comprehend how much it makes me resent him.

Yesterday, after going to the club with my group of friends, I made a fool of myself. In an attempt to further preserve what little dignity I happen to have left, I will simply say that the high school crush that I wrote of before is well aware of what I think of him now. This, of course, wouldn't have been a complete humiliation if it hadn't been for the drunken crying. Thankfully, this happened back at the apartments and not in public. I'm pretty sure that it will be best if I simply wallow in my embarrassment for a while so that I get a complete reminder of why I don't speak to males. "Hi, my name is Jessica, and I'm incompetent." Oh, if only there were a support group for that!

I've decided that, in spite of my recent cluster of faux pas, I'm going to make a few little resolutions here for my life. They may seem silly, but I think they're important, so here they are:

• Wear earrings more often. What's the point of having the holes if I'm not using them? (Please, control yourself and stifle the "that's what she said" response that we all know is rolling around your brain right now.)
• Try to put on make-up every now and again. It actually does look good on me and it really doesn't take all that long to put on.
• Read more. I have some time right now, and I ought to be making use of it, dammit.
• Keep working out. This is a good thing! It must continue!
• Enjoy more R&B instead of immediately judging it. Vary your tastes, Jessica! DO IT!
• Drink less. Nothing good ever comes of it, and I don't know how to keep my mouth shut when I do it.
• Lie to myself more often and tell myself the brutal truth. Seriously. I need to stop living in the scenarios that play out beautifully in my head. What I need to hear more of is that I don't have feelings or prospects. It would be great if someone could tell me no. It would also be great if I started to believe that little voice in my head that says things like, "You look stupid when you dance" or "He doesn't like you!" or "Please stop talking."
• Go to bed earlier. This 5 and 6 AM shit isn't working anymore.

We'll see how much of these things that I can manage. Hopefully, more than I thought I could.

For the time being, I'm in the middle of a cynical patch. I really just need to chill for a while. I need to wallow in it for a day or so. I need to stay in bed and do next to nothing, drift in and out of a comfortable sleep. Oddly, I'm very comfortable with my cynicism. This is like putting on a favorite shirt from high school that you forgot you had. You're surprised at how well it still fits, how much you forgot that you sort of enjoyed it, how it feels against your skin. I remember this cynicism well. I just forgot about how good I am at it.