Day Seven: Ex-boyfriend

Adam,

Where do I begin? I feel like we went through a lot together, but the truth is that I went through a lot and you sort of stood by my side for a little bit of my journey. You were a part of my life at one of my worst points. It makes sense to me now that you would not want to be a part of that train wreck, but at the time it felt like such a betrayal. I understand much more now.

My relationship with you was my first ever taste of something more than just the lonely bitterness. It was my first time feeling like some one might actually want me, might see me for more than just that fat girl. Part of the reason that I was so incredibly crushed when we broke up (when you broke up with me, specifically) was because I felt like everything that you told me--every whispered I love you, every soft little kiss, every joke you laughed at, every late night phone call that lasted for hours--was a lie. I felt like maybe I wasn't lovable. Maybe I was too broken to ever really find love. I felt bruised and battered, lost and sold off to the lowest bidder.

Interestingly, when Dennis broke up with me later, I almost expected it. It never made me happy, but it was sort of softened by the initial loss of you. My heart had already been broken, so what could hurt worse than that? Besides, I'd been telling myself all along after you that I wasn't the kind of girl that someone could love, so I wasn't terribly surprised. I don't know how to word it, but I just felt like I was starting to deserve that rejection, starting to deserve to be unlovable. But I digress...

I still think about all the times that we had together. I think about the night that we watched Girl, Interrupted in your mom's house. I leaned against you, and I could hear your heart beating the whole time. I remember that every time I moved, it beat just a little faster. I remember how shaky and nervous I was our first time, but how you made me feel like you wanted me, which was something that I'd never experienced before and certainly never could have imagined until I had it. I was much more in love with you than I wanted to be, and I was so scared of fucking it up that, in the end, I did fuck it up. (Also, I realize that love can be so relative when you're sixteen years old and you're stupid, but I really felt like I loved you. It doesn't matter if it was "real" love or not because it's about how it felt.)

Yet, despite all the hurt feelings and the drama (remember that mix tape I made you? HA!),  I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for our relationship, going through the things that I went through with you. Even years later, when we made some poor choices in the back of that minivan, I still learned from you. It wasn't always easy, and it certainly wasn't pain-free. Yet, these things, these early experiences, they shape us and build us. My lack of faith in others set the stage  for me to build up some faith in myself. My lack of trust in you and your feelings for me taught me that I had to learn to trust myself. I learned how to value myself despite the opinions of others, and that's not something that I could have learned if we hadn't fallen together so unexpectedly and fallen apart so suddenly.

So, thank you. Thank you for helping to shape me. And thank you for supporting me at a time in my life when I really needed another person. I might've been even more unhappy if I hadn't had you. You also lead to some really great blog posts and some really insightful journal entries, so my writing thanks you too. There was also this really awesome poem that, inadvertently, you helped me write (so did a few other people). So thanks for that too.

My biggest hope is that I affected your life in some sort of positive way. Hopefully, I wasn't just the bitter girl in your Japanese class that you made some stupid mistakes with. I hope that when you think of me, you occasionally do it fondly, as I do with you. We may never be friends, but we'll always be firsts. That means something to me. My hope is that it also means something to you.

Yours,

Jessica