I suppose if I'm going to be a real person, I'm going to go ahead and be real about my extreme egotism. The person that I miss the most is the person that I used to be, my teenage self.
When I was a teenager, everything was so different. It wasn't just the lack of fiscal responsibility--though I did have a job and take care of myself fairly well, I think. It was the friends, my personal level of honesty, the way that the world felt to me. So many of my friends, I think, are starting to give up on their lives. Once you hit the mid twenties, the possibilities aren't so endless anymore. People start to give up on their dreams, and it's sort of heartbreaking to watch.
I guess the centrality of what I miss about you, Teenage Jessica, is your honesty. When you get to be an adult, you have to sacrifice the idea of being honest with yourself and with everyone around you. Social graces and responsibilities start to stand in the way. You start to have to conform a lot more for the sake of making your life just a little bit easier. You don't have the luxury of being careless with your possibilities and the feelings of others. When you're a teenager, you get over things so much more quickly. You move on, you forget and forgive. As adults, there's much more bitterness. People don't forgive as easily, and when they do, they certainly don't ever forget.
It's not just your honesty with other people that changes, though. It's your honesty with yourself. You start to accept things that you never would have accepted before because you keep telling yourself that it's a part of being an adult, part of growing up. You think you're obligated to settle down and take some things, so you start to take 'em. Hopefully, if you're like me, you have a wake up call and you start to rethink your life, rethink why you're thinking the way you're thinking.
The world just felt so different when I was a teenager. There were so many possibilities. I had much more hope, more faith in people. I've definitely become jaded over the years. I felt things so much more deeply. I allowed people into my heart so much more quickly. Time has made me cautious, less trusting. Conversely, I'm so much riskier with my choices now--perhaps as a side effect of being so tired of this rut I'm in. Emotionally, I'm closed off, but I'm reckless. If I could combine my recklessness with my emotions back then, I'd have been a much more interesting person. Maybe I'd have compromised less.
Teenage Jessica, this is me in the throes of my mid-midlife crisis. If I could go back to where you are right now, I might take that opportunity. I think there's more of a chance when you're younger to follow your heart--the main problem with that being that, when you're young, your heart has no idea what it wants.
In an effort to stop missing myself so much, I will be doing the following things to bring me back to me:
- Blogging more often--when I was in high school, I wrote in my LJ about EVERYTHING. I also kept a real journal for when I felt like writing in cursive. Good times.
- Acknowledging and owning my feelings.
- Being more outgoing--meeting and trusting new people is important.
- Sleeping. (This may sound ridiculous, but I used to LOVE sleeping. My friend Sam and I used to take purposeful naps.)
- Embracing emotional honesty, even if it's a situation that makes me uncomfortable.
- Trying a little harder at poetry and writing because they used to be so important to me.
- Setting aside some quiet time for me each week.
I hate to think that I need to start all that self-exploration all over, but I need to know who I am now. If that means starting over, then I'm starting over. Just help me, Teenage Self, to recall what it felt like to know who I was. I don't always remember.
Yours,
You!
