Books, Challenges, and Fears

Being that I'm having an awful time attempting to focus on the book I'm half-heartedly reading, I thought it might be a good time to get some blogging out of my system. This break, I've been trying to read as much as possible, since the crux of my reading material during my semesters revolves around class work. I'm on my third book in the last two weeks, all of them by Nora Roberts. It's not exactly brain food, but I like to read simple, quick books when I'm on break. I enjoy reading for pleasure, but it's really not possible while I'm trying to read for assignments as well. (It might have been more possible for me last semester, but that's got more to do with the classes I ended up dropping, really.)

This semester is going to be a bit of a change for me. I might actually have more time to read because I'll be doing precious little partying, which will be a very big changed compared to last semester. (While other people are grinding drunkenly, I'll be laying on my uncomfortable twin bed and getting closer to Dickens, Bronte [any of the Bronte sisters, really], or some other fascinating author.) So far, I'm sticking very well to sobriety. I have two weeks and two days sober, which I'm pleased about. New Year's Eve might be a bit of a challenge, but I'm thinking about staying home, despite some very tempting party invitations. It might be in my best interest to spend New Year's Eve with some old movies, books, and tea. In fact, that's what I'm very much prepared to do.

Anyways, this next semester will be a challenge for some very personal reasons. One, I'm very new to this sobriety idea, and I'll be very tempted to stray from it. Two, one of my very close friends is struggling with an eating disorder. While I want to beat her about the head and neck for not seeking the help that she very well knows that she needs, I also desperately want to help her find happiness and health. I've been thinking about her all break, worrying over what she's going through on her own right now. I also know that it will be harder for me to maintain my sobriety and composure in the presence of people who haven't got all their control themselves. Dorms, young people (and their natural tendency to drink), and friends with their own struggles could be the perfect storm of pressure that's enough to set me back.

I'm worried. I'm worried that I won't be able to help my friend, and she'll make herself more ill. I'm worried that the dorms will be too much for me to handle and that I might have to move back home or find a new place to live. I'm worried about slipping. I'm worried that people will think of me differently when I'm sober and might like me less--which is entirely conceivable, but not as plausible as one might think. I'm actually more sensitive to other people when I'm sober; when I'm drunk, I'll say whatever comes to my head, regardless of whether it might hurt feelings or spill secrets. There are also more worries on my mind, but it would be impossible to reveal them here without revealing the identity of the friend who has trusted me with her secrets, which would be entirely unfair to her. The point of the whole thing, really, is that there are a lot of fears for me to face this Spring.

Basically, it's time for me to gird my loins. Time to put on the big girl panties and learn how to deal. I'm not thrilled at the prospects ahead of me, but I've faced tougher times than this in my life. I know I can make it through. I might just need some periodic moments to bitch about how afraid I am of failure. But then, I'm a perfectionist. Sometimes, I need to check and make sure that my standards are within normal parameters and not Jessica parameters. Is there some unit of measure for these things? Can someone just get me a guidebook for this life or something? Please?